To want DH to put a bit more effort in?

(11 Posts)
Hobby2014 Sat 02-May-15 11:11:54

He simply doesn't do anything properly and it's driving me insane.

For the record he doesn't do any housework or clothes washing or cooking, all he does is helps with washing up/drying up in the evening after work or helps with bathing DS (one of us clears kitchen up whilst the other baths him) - which I am totally fine with, he works, I don't, I'm on maternity leave with DS who is 8 months old.

Ok my issues. These are all really stupid & petty things but they're just a few of the hundreds of examples of things that I feel is unfair or verging on disrespectful? Not sure if they are the words I want to use or not.

Yesterday he knocked over the airer with our wet clothes on. So he picked it up and reassembled it. Great. But all the clothes had slid to one end and he didn't re-straighten them so they didn't dry and are all wrinkly (we don't iron anything). The bath mat was on the floor in a heap so didn't dry and was all misshapen. When we both worked he'd do washing so knows they need to go on straight before anyone says maybe he doesn't know.

He forgets to rinse the bath out after he has a bath so then I have to scrub the bath the next day, which is frustrating when I've cleaned the bathroom that day.

Yesterday I washed the bedding. He was sitting on the mattress. I put duvet cover on and pillow cases on. All was left was bed sheet, I asked him to do it when he next gets up. He does, but it's inside out.

Sometimes he'll make DS's bottles up. He'll boil kettle and forget when he did it, so doesn't know if the water is hot enough, or he'll start pouring the water into them, one will have 7 oz, one 9oz, then walk away, and forget when he started it all so then I have to start the process again. When DS was first born he made bottles lots so knows how to make them.

Or on the odd chance he cooks, so once so far this year whilst I was building DS's wardrobe and storage unit. He made sausage and chips. He couldn't remember when he put the chips in the oven so didn't know when he needed to put the sausages in cue burnt chips, raw sausages and nothing else. (He can cook, before DS we'd both share cooking and he'd make curries, casseroles, spag bol, pasta bakes etc)

I don't want him to do anything extra around the house but what he does do I just want him to do properly. I mentioned this to him and he said 'Fine I just won't do anything then'. I left the room and he told me to grow up.

If he needed to do something to do with his hobby, or to do with his mates, he'd put the effort in there. But for me or DS he doesn't.

AIBU to think he's got it quite easy and actually it's a bit ridiculous that he puts no effort into doing the tiny amount of stuff he does do to do it right? Or AIBU and I should give him a break?

popalot Sat 02-May-15 11:19:10

It's possible he's doing it on purpose so he doesn't get asked to help out again. Or he's tired maybe? Either way, yanbu and you both need a good old chat about responsibilities. Are you going back to work when the baby's older? You'll def need to sort it by then.

As a sahm (which I've never been, so I might have this wrong!) you probably should do the lionshare of housework, but what you're talking about is the extra stuff in the evening which I think should be shared responsibilities.

AlternativeTentacles Sat 02-May-15 11:20:27

He does it wrong/badly so that you come after him sorting it out for him.

He needs to either do it properly or find somewhere else to live, where he can do or not do and make his own decisions about his living space.

Otherwise he is utterly pathetic.

Hobby2014 Sat 02-May-15 11:22:46

Thanks for replying. Yes going back to work but only a few hours to keep my foot in the door.
I really don't mind doing the lionshare, and I know that will continue when I go back to work, but it's like he's making my life more difficult, having to clean the bath again, or now having to either rehash the clothes ore iron it all, take the sheet off and redo it. It's easier if he just doesn't help at all. So yeah you may be right that he's hoping I'll stop asking him but I didn't have him down as being sneaky. More just lack of effort.

Hobby2014 Sat 02-May-15 11:24:24

Alternative thanks.
How do I get it through to him without it being that extreme?

CupidStuntSurvivor Sat 02-May-15 11:33:42

If he's decided he's doing it badly or not at all, choose not at all and don't do any of his washing etc. He'll soon realise he's got a good thing going on.

It may well inflame the situation for a while but it's the tact I'd take...I can't abide people not pulling their weight at home.

FireflyGirl Sat 02-May-15 11:36:36

YADNBU! This parenting lark is a team effort.

You know the things you've mentioned are petty by themselves (except the bottles!!), but they are mounting up and upsetting you. What he's doing is essentially creating more work for you! It's very disrespectful.

I would have a serious chat with him. You've taken on the bulk of stuff because you're home - he now does less housework than pre-DC. That means when you ask him to do something, it needs doing, and properly. As for him saying he won't do it, then - he is not 7!!

I know how you feel about the sheets, by the way. DH does the same. But he's been up since 7.30 looking after DS and tidying up and has even managed to put lunch in the oven (jacket potatoes), so I accept he's not perfect and try and make sure I change the bed next time.

ampersandand Sat 02-May-15 11:39:02

YANBU, I can sympathise, my dp was like this in ways too and it was so frustrating.

Nothing was done 'properly' and to add to this he broke a lot of things too.

He never put a lot of care or attention into the jobs he did, rather just get them done as quick as possible.

However, he has improved a lot over the last 3 years.

It can get better, but I think it's all about your approach, my dp is only 26 and still needs 'help' although he hates to admit it running a house.

ampersandand Sat 02-May-15 11:40:09

Any by approach, I guess it's a case of picking your battles.

blushingbooty Sat 02-May-15 12:16:47

Sounds like he's doing it on purpose. I've heard DHs friends admitting to doing that and asking DH if he did, since it doesn't work for me they were a bit surprised.

Yesterday he knocked over the airer with our wet clothes on. So he picked it up and reassembled it. Great. But all the clothes had slid to one end and he didn't re-straighten them so they didn't dry and are all wrinkly (we don't iron anything). The bath mat was on the floor in a heap so didn't dry and was all misshapen. When we both worked he'd do washing so knows they need to go on straight before anyone says maybe he doesn't know.

So say to him 'are you going to sort that out, you know that they won't dry properly so why leave like that?

He forgets to rinse the bath out after he has a bath so then I have to scrub the bath the next day, which is frustrating when I've cleaned the bathroom that day.

Don't scrub it, tell him to do so if he makes the mess. If he refuses then ask him why he can't simply rinse after a bath and expects you to clean up after him as if he's a kid.

Yesterday I washed the bedding. He was sitting on the mattress. I put duvet cover on and pillow cases on. All was left was bed sheet, I asked him to do it when he next gets up. He does, but it's inside out.

Ignore it, he's doing it to get you to change it and then to do it yourself in future. He doesn't care, why should you?

Sometimes he'll make DS's bottles up. He'll boil kettle and forget when he did it, so doesn't know if the water is hot enough, or he'll start pouring the water into them, one will have 7 oz, one 9oz, then walk away, and forget when he started it all so then I have to start the process again. When DS was first born he made bottles lots so knows how to make them.

Why do you have to start again? His mess up, he does it.

Or on the odd chance he cooks, so once so far this year whilst I was building DS's wardrobe and storage unit. He made sausage and chips. He couldn't remember when he put the chips in the oven so didn't know when he needed to put the sausages in cue burnt chips, raw sausages and nothing else. (He can cook, before DS we'd both share cooking and he'd make curries, casseroles, spag bol, pasta bakes etc)

Again, on purpose, he wants you to think he's incapable so he gets an easy life. Tell him you're leaving the cooking to him since he needs the practice.

I don't want him to do anything extra around the house but what he does do I just want him to do properly. I mentioned this to him and he said 'Fine I just won't do anything then'. I left the room and he told me to grow up.

He's a lazy arse who thinks you should do it all, he's turned it around on you to make it look like your idea. Don't fall for it.

What are his 'good features' OP? You've said he does nothing for you and DS, he sounds like a self absorbed prick.

WingsofNylon Sun 03-May-15 14:55:17

Hummm, only you know if he is the kind of person to do it on purpose. An alternative view is that he is experiencing overall memory and or concentration issues? If it goes beyond housework and you notice he isn't giving the same amount of effort to other areas, maybe his own grooming/hobby/friends then that is a possibility.

I am just not a finnisher, I get things to 80% complete then lose all motivation so I have to really force myself with things that I know will bother dp to see partly done.

He handles it well when I start to slack. He won't mention it at the timee or go into a list of details but at a good time say something along the lines of 'I've noticed that you're finding it hard to finish stuff properly recently, is something causing you stress/work full on/ you getting enough sleep?' It reminds me that iy bothers him without it feeling like a moan and sometimes leads into a very helpful conversation where we both reflect on the state of play.

Other times he uses the much mire light approach of 'oh my god we have been burgled, they must have been looking for jewellery and strewn your makeup every where in the process!'

Sorry long ramble!

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