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Aibu to be wary of my friends relationship...

(15 Posts)
Gummygummygumdrops Mon 16-Feb-15 17:26:45

My friend was with a guy for about 3 years. He was controlling and mentally abusive. When the relationship broke down she confirmed our suspicions about him being controlling and a lot of things came out of the woodwork. She has been distraught about the relationship breaking down for the past 2 years.

This all came to a head where she broke down one night about a year ago and basically had a go at every single one of us in our friendship groups for being happy in relationships. We got over this after a few weeks and she never mentioned him again as we had made our feelings very clear.

A few weeks ago she dropped a bomb shell that she was back with him and said 'don't say anything but just be happy for me.' We have all just nodded and smiled as we don't want to end our friendship over this controlling man.

Skip forward to today, we have arranged a night out on Saturday. This was arranged in December. She has txt everyone saying she's not coming due to a money thing and she doesn't want to leave him in the house on his own.

I have replied basically saying it's a joke and history is repeating itself, as previously he wouldn't let her go out or we had to give 3 months notice then she would still cancel.

We have been arguing now and she is saying 'I should be happy for her cause she is happy.'

Aibu, should we accept this relationship. I'm worried history is repeating itself and this is the first straw to be broken .

queenmools Mon 16-Feb-15 17:29:03

Be wary but don't abandon her, she might need you in the future.

LadyLuck10 Mon 16-Feb-15 17:30:06

She's a fool, but she's 'in love' so there's not much you can do about it. She knows what he's about but chooses to go back for more. You just have to leAve her to figure it out for herself.

nilbyname Mon 16-Feb-15 17:32:19

I think you have to separate the issue of her relationship with this man and her friendship with you.

You've made your position clear. Give no more comment now, but try and be a good friend.

Phrases like " I think you know how I feel about him" or " I can't support your relationship with him, but I love you". Might be helpful.

Gummygummygumdrops Mon 16-Feb-15 17:33:51

It's so hard to be there consistently, and now old memories are coming flooding back. She's normally a lovey girl, we have been friends for about 10 years and have a friendship group. I repaired our friendship after she told me 'I didn't deserve to get married and be happy' because she is not in a good place because I know how hurt she was so I let it go.

She's buying a house with him as well.

BishopBrennansArse Mon 16-Feb-15 17:37:40

Nothing you can say or do will make the slightest difference to the outcome in this. She knows how you feel.

So leave her to it. It may be she distances herself from you, at which point you decide whether you'll give her the time of day when (not if) it ends.

Voice of bitter experience here.

nilbyname Mon 16-Feb-15 17:37:53

Its so hRd to sit by and watch your friends make terrible choices!

Make sure she keeps her financial stuff separate. And joint names on mortgage!

Cantbelievethisishappening Mon 16-Feb-15 17:45:14

hmm Let her get on with it. Some people just can't be helped. No doubt she will be back on your door step at some point. Do you actually get anything positive out of this f'ship?

Gummygummygumdrops Mon 16-Feb-15 17:45:19

I just want to shake her! I hoped it would be different this time but I feel cancelling Saturday is the first strike sad

cakewitch Mon 16-Feb-15 19:03:38

I've a friend in exactly the same position. If asked my opinion, I will freely give it. I've not seen her since November. She's admitted to me that she's avoiding friends and family because she doesn't want them to know what's going on Between them. They've just got married. It's all very sad, but what can I do, other than what I am doing now.

mrsdicaprio Mon 16-Feb-15 19:57:22

Yanbu to be wary. You are right, you are but she is under his control and it's not her fault either.

She really does want you to be happy for her and she really does think she's doing the right thing for everyone and she's clearly been manipulated into giving it another go, but seriously, if he really is controlling her it won't work and she will need you when it goes to pot.

I know you may not want to deal with it, but coming out of a relationship like that and not having your friends there is awful. She really will need your support. Try to remember that she is being manipulated and controlled and she needs to see it for herself, you can't make her. But you can be "happy" for her by supporting her now, and when she sees it for herself and it all goes wrong.

mrsdicaprio Mon 16-Feb-15 20:02:05

Can'tbelievethisishappening.. seriously? I hope to god you don't ever find yourself in an abusive relationship and that if you do you're friends are nicer than you are!!
Some people just can't be helped because behind closed doors when that person is there and nobody else is they are being threatened and manipulated with all kinds. Some people just can't be helped because they need to find the strength in themselves to leave. Does that mean they shouldn't be helped? That they shouldn't have friends?

Do you think if you had been controlled and possessed by a man like that for a really long time and your friends had all abandoned you, that you would have the confidence to come crawling back to them when it goes wrong? Because lots of women don't. Lots of women are left completely alone coming out of those relationships too scared to talk to anybody.
I'm so glad you're not my friend!

Gummygummygumdrops Mon 16-Feb-15 21:46:55

I think people are very different and it is easy to see when you are on the outside. This friend has always been very 'princess' like and I know why she's back with him as she needs someone in her life and has always needed someone since we were teenagers. It's hard when all of your friends are moving on, starting families and you are still at home with your parents and single. Being a bit princessy was never an issue, we all laugh along.

As best friends we will always be there but it's so hard not to get frustrated to see someone you love dearly fucking up their life.

This person has always been a bit Self minded and can never see others opinions. I think this is where the whole, be happy for me, comes from. She can't really see that although we are happy she's happy we know what's going to happen and how he effected her last time. A few people out of our group have said a few things and the reply is... Why can't you be happy for me, I am happy for you, if you were my friend you would be happy for me.

Grr it's so frustrating!

mrsdicaprio Mon 16-Feb-15 22:03:14

She probably will know deep down gummy. But she won't be ready to admit it yet to everyone else, to herself. It's easier to go back and try again because that means there's a chance it could work this time and that the last time she just wasn't trying hard enough or he wasn't and then she doesn't have to admit it's all been a waste.
Because then like you say if she's giving it a go she in her head still has her chance of happiness like everyone else. She wants to be like everyone else but it will probably take her a while to see that it will never happen and it will go bad again. She has to be ready to face all that for herself. Can you pretend to be happy for her for a bit and if she says it's going bad again, ask her to make an appointment to talk with a local domestic violence team in confidence. They are really really good at empowering women even if it's only coercive controlling psychological abuse & manipulation they can really steer in the right direction of pointing out signs and how life can be different without them.

Gummygummygumdrops Mon 16-Feb-15 22:09:57

That's a really good idea. Thanks.
I think sometimes I'm not the best person to talk to her about it anyway. I think she thinks I don't understand as I met my husband at 19 and I have always been mostly happy. I did point out once that the most perfect looking relationships have their problems but fell on deaf ears I think. I think my opinion always comes with a 'you wouldn't understand' look.
Some great advice and I'll share some of this with my friend that is closest with her.

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