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aibu, too loyal or a bitch?

(35 Posts)
flowerpowerspiceknicks Sun 15-Feb-15 02:23:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fizzycolagurlie Sun 15-Feb-15 02:28:11

i'm sorry I got bored about 1/3 of the way through this rant, but by that point you sounded very jealous of her and I decided that was your problem. People change, let her go.

flowerpowerspiceknicks Sun 15-Feb-15 02:40:23

Fizzy honestly don't read or comment if it 'bored you'. Mumsnet,I thought, was meant to be support and a different perspective. I'm not a materialistic person so quite happy with my security thankyou. Maybes that's what leaves me to open to someone like you just giving me a 'not very helpful' reply. Bore off and make someone else feel crap after asking for advice why dont you angry

fizzycolagurlie Sun 15-Feb-15 02:41:56

No all comments are going to be helpful. It was boring it went on too much and that's just a fact. Take it or leave it, I don't care either way.

squoosh Sun 15-Feb-15 02:48:54

You sound a bit smug and judgemental. Have an honest conversation with her.

And you need paragraphs in your life.

flowerpowerspiceknicks Sun 15-Feb-15 02:49:20

The question was if I was being a bitch/ in the wrong to feel this way after knowing the situation. Nothing to do with jealousy..but please its too boring for you to comment ..so don't as you don't sound like a supportive constructive typical mumsnetter at all.

squoosh Sun 15-Feb-15 02:49:51

Apologies if that sounds rude but it actually hurts my eyes to read a wall of text.

Lewaney3 Sun 15-Feb-15 02:50:34

Reading your post...in my humble opinion it appears you'd be better off just gradually backing away from her. If her calls and boasts bother you that much it may be better to just cut her off....yes she helped you a long time ago but you've given her years of friendship.

In your place I'd much rather spend time focusing on quality time with my husband and family and invest in healthier friendships where I'm not bothered by the friend in question.

As a passing comment I would say you cant really tell its all a cover up on your friends part and she just wants security...only she truly knows what she wants. She may well just adore the situation she's In. Just some food for thought.

In a nutshell I'd cut her off and enjoy my family rather than even thinking about her life choices

fizzycolagurlie Sun 15-Feb-15 02:51:45

Maybe its a tough love kind of support.

You got angry with my first response which told you you were ranting and sounded jealous. You did. Sometimes the truth stings but if you take a break and think about it, you might find there's some truth in that.

And you might gain some perspective on your friendship and either let it go (the friendship) or work harder at it.

Its up to you ultimately. Not everything you hear here is going to be your definition of helpful, even when ultimately that's what we're doing.

mommy2ash Sun 15-Feb-15 02:58:25

it does sound like you are being a bitch as well as being judgemental and jealous of her. why are you comparing your relationships? why does it bother you if she overcompensates material things for security? what would you possibly say to her? that you don't agree with the relationship she is in and you think she should demand security he isn't willing to give and hand back any presents given?

if you don't want to be her friend then cut her out but don't get involved with her relationship its none of your business.

VioletMoon4683 Sun 15-Feb-15 03:04:45

I think either you are a little bit jealous of her financial situation AND/OR she is very insecure about things and boasts to make herself feel better.

It does sound like the valentines discussion was a normal update friends would have about valentines gifts. A lot of my friends have no mortgages/bigger salaries/nicer cars/nice holidays but I am happy for them. We do talk about things but they don't boast.

If you feel she's boasting (which is more then nicely sharing information - more sort of rubbing it in), it might be worth jokingly pointing out that she's boasting in a warm friendly way.

VioletMoon4683 Sun 15-Feb-15 03:07:12

You can always tell her in passing that you were thrilled with your gifts (or what ever) and that you don't need much to be happy

Flyingrincewind Sun 15-Feb-15 03:11:03

You do sound terribly jealous. If you're truly not then I apologise but that's how your post came across. Even so, you don't know that she's insecure in her situation. She may be over the moon and possibly gushing because she has everything she wants in life

flowerpowerspiceknicks Sun 15-Feb-15 03:17:25

Yep its none of my business. I think because I have been worried for her as I see its damaging her in other ways and also her relationship with her ds but after all I do care for her and all I can do is distance but be there when she does need me. I just thought I would vent on here and get a different perspective.
It is her life after all so I do need to accept people change...I just hope she begins to be happy in that situation as boasts and contradictions and upset on her part suggest otherwise but I will always be there for her.
Anyways I'm off to bed after the night feed and as much as I'd take on board any constructive advice, I'm actually very content and not jealous of her situation at all...proves to me to never go online for advice! blush

fizzycolagurlie Sun 15-Feb-15 03:29:02

The other thing of course, is she could be goading you and trying to wind you up. If you've got a small one (baby) you'll be more tired and vulnerable to that - I know I was a total wreck and took things very personally and it was definitely a time when I shed a few friends here and there because I could no longer tolerate them. grin

CupidStuntSurvivor Sun 15-Feb-15 03:29:57

You don't want us to tell you to ditch her and have said not to tell you to have it out with her. The only option you've left yourself is to quietly put up with it. No magic pill to make you like your friend more I'm afraid.

And it sounds like either she's really quite insecure or you are. Probably you really as the Valentine conversation sounds like a normal bit of chit chat rather than boasty.

flowerpowerspiceknicks Sun 15-Feb-15 03:30:07

I don't mean that to sound bad towards all that 'constructive citisism' but I mean it in the way that online you don't really know me and you don't really know her either so you are judging by what I write...which obviously didn't do me any favours. I only joined mumsnet in Dec and I enjoy reading it and trying to be of use to people but this was probably my first only 'serious' worry though definitely not in my life i thought i would ask advice on as i am concerned for her but hey ho apparently I'm a bore so I'll just stick with reading from now on grin

squoosh Sun 15-Feb-15 03:32:07

'I'm actually very content and not jealous of her situation at all...proves to me to never go online for advice!'

Hmmmm, you sound awfully defensive OP. Are you sure you're not jealous?

VioletMoon4683 Sun 15-Feb-15 03:32:24

If you do feel she's stepping into boasting, can you change the subject

fizzycolagurlie Sun 15-Feb-15 03:32:43

I'm sorry I said it was boring. Its only 7pm for me but its the middle of the night for you, so you're going to be more ranting than in the day.

The thing is, you'll just get judged for what you write. of course no one knows you, its not actually personal and its hard to remember that.

Get some sleep now.

Smooshface Sun 15-Feb-15 03:37:08

Could say 'are you sure you aren't trying to make me jealous?' And try and make a joke of it.

It is up to you if you think it's worth continuing, maybe distance yourself a bit if every conversation is like this

Lottie5 Sun 15-Feb-15 03:45:35

You have my sympathy. Many of us including myself have clung onto friendships that are really not doing us any good out of a misplaced sense of loyalty.

I don't think you're jealous of her. I think it just frustrates you that she's not honest with you and talks AT you rather than with you. Does she ask you about you life at all? It sounds very one sided and by bombarding you with the gory details of her life, she is inferring that yours is rather unimportant.

You are right to value what she did for you many years ago but you don't owe her your happiness. Some people are meant to be in our lives for a long time whereas others drift away or grow apart from us. It's just the way life is and each relationship teaches us about life and ourselves. Many friendships rely on both parties feeling equal to each other but now the dynamics of your relationship have changed substantially and your diminishing willpower appears to be the only thing sustaining it. The power balance has altered - you have something she wants so to make herself feel better she goes out of her way to persuade you and herself that SHE has something YOU want.

I think once you have accepted the reality of the relationship you will find it much easier to pull back from it a little. Answer less of her calls and messages and cut the length of the phone calls down. Focus on enjoying the relationships in your life that you get something out of - for your own wellbeing and sanity.

Mammanat222 Sun 15-Feb-15 08:59:49

OP there is no sense in having a hissy fit because people disagreed with you. You asked a question and it has bee answered. Yes you are being unreasonable and I can kind of understand why you have been accused of being a bit jealous. ..... it does kind of come across that way.

I have a dear friend who is seeing a semi famous guy. She occasionally sends me pics of her with celebs she meets / her at celeb hang-outs same as I send her pics of my toddler and newborn. Our lives are very different but we still share what is significant to us. She jetted off to NYC this morning. Whereas I couldn't thinkof anything I would like to do less at the moment dear friend would of course say the same thing about getting up at 4am with a newborn

True friends enjoy the differences in thier friendships. I love to hear her tales and she loves to come and cuddle my children.

OP I would back off and let this friendship die a natural death. It doesn't sound as though you like your friend very much.

DeliciousMonster Sun 15-Feb-15 09:07:02

Are you sure you are actual friends?

Do either of you just sit and talk of stuff not related to posessions and property?

Hathall Sun 15-Feb-15 09:07:12

I don't think you sound jealous but she sounds a bit insecure and is trying to put her partner in a favourable light.
There seems to be a bit oneupmanship going in here.
If you want to continue the friendship then just listen to her or start pulling away.

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