To worry that there might be something "wrong" with my child?

[Mickeysmonkey]

I have three children - DD(6), DS1 (3) and DS2 (9 months). DD has always been quite "hard work" for want of a better word. Often described as "spirited" and such like. Very mature and articulate, but also very emotional and prone to bursts of temper.

It's been a tough time for our family recently. I had such bad post-partum depression and anxiety that I was placed in a day treatment program for 3 weeks. I am recovering but it's been hard. I think we've been pretty good at shielding the kids from my misery but maybe we didn't do as good a job as I had hoped.

This academic year DD has struggled socially. She is not at all a girly girl and would take climbing the monkey bars over playing dolls any day of the week. The school she is in is very small - only 50 kids in the year, 18 in her class, 8 of them girls. They are primarily very quiet girls (I'm the Girl Scout troop leader so I know most of them quite well ) and she often says that she hadn't met any friends who are "a good fit" (DD's words, not mine.)

Anyway, long story short - she has been behaving particularly badly recently -extremely rough with DS1 and she told him over the weekend, when frustrated with him, that she wanted to kill him . When I disciplined her, she said "I want to do the same to you." We talked with her at length about how we never use those words and about appropriate ways of getting our frustration out.

So today I got a call from school. DD was annoyed with someone about some Legos and told them she wanted to kill them.

I just don't know what to do. I don't know why she's so angry all the time. She is fixated on the idea that DS1 is favored over her (he isn't, although he's generally more pleasant to be around) but other than treat them fairly and reassure her that I love her dearly, I'm running out of options.

I'm considering taking her to a therapist. DH is concerned but thinks I'm overreacting. I am very worried that there could be an underlying mental health issue at play. If anyone has any ideas I'd love to hear them.

[NormHonal]

I can't comment on the rest, but just to say that I have a DD and a DS the same ages as yours, and the dynamic between them is much as you describe - he behaves well, gets upset and apologises for any (rare) "bad" behaviour, she is full of bad attitude and says I treat him favourably. I explain to her that as she is older, I expect more from her.

6yo girls are not "easy" creatures to decipher or deal with. I hope someone comes along soon who can help you with the rest.

[Dinosaurdrip]

I have no advice but as i read this I felt like I could be writing it, except about my 5 year old DS. He said on Sunday that if he had a real gun he would shoot me!!! He can just turn so quickly, 1 minute he's having a 'tantrum' and two seconds later he's fine.
He's the most caring of my 3dc though and would help anyone and care for you if you were hurt etc. he can just flare up without warning sometimes.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

It sounds horrible, doesn't it, but at 6 she has no real concept of killing anyone and what that means. She knows how much attention it gets when she says it, though. That, and saying that DS is favoured and having no real friends makes me think she is lonely, bored and sad. Maybe work on those things before worrying too much.

It's very hard for the rough and tough girls at this age. My DD will be one but at 4, she can still play with all the boys. I think school will be hard.

What about getting her into activities where she can be herself? Martial arts, riding, sports and outdoor stuff.

[DeeCayed]

I'm having trouble with ds2. He'll be 5 in March

Every day he fights with dd and also with dniece. He swears, copies my voice, spits, breaks things, tantrums, goes a bit hyper, demands, says horrible things, the list goes on! He can be very loving and the complete opposite of everything I've just mentioned especially at school where he doesn't say boo to a goose. I've tried all kinds of things to see if he will change his behaviour but it still happens every single day.
Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind which doesn't help (same for df) so I end up shouting and getting angry.

After googling I think he has Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) along with some aspects of ADHD.
I'm a bit worried about taking him to the drs though as I talk myself out of it and say he's not that bad really but writing it down maybe I should

[DeeCayed]

He's also either not very danger aware or he likes taking the risk and will run on the road/bolt, touch things even if he's been told it's dangerous.

I could trust dd1 and df at that age but he's got us a complete bag of nerves if there a road near.