AIBU to think perhaps BF isn't enough for me?(17 Posts)
Background: separated from abusive H 2 years ago, single for 15 m, started dating lovely chap (now bf) via dating website. Been together over8 ms (after chatting online for 4 weeks) He's lovely, been taking it slow, he gets on well with DD. We see each other at weekends and weds nights. I had 6 months counselling to deal with EA and have started counselling again a couple of months ago as I'm making changes in my life... the counselling term is that I'm at a crossroads. DD is happy and settled, just need to work on myself. Last week we touched on the fact that I am having doubts and I can't figure out if it's him or me! My counselor asked me to ponder over whether I thought he was enough for me.
Pros: He's kind, loyal, looks after himself, has nice friends, lovely family (parents divorced and remarried nice people), makes me laugh, share enough interests with each other, happy with his life, creative, works hard in a secure job, non-judgmental, says what he means.
Cons: on the few occasions we've been been drunk together we've argued and he's stormed off (no one has ever reacted to me this way before but I admit I could be to blame), he has no ambition in terms of work and earns a low wage, he has never voted and never will, has no interest in politics, has only lived in one place... as in the same neighbourhood, his response to me telling him I've applied to do a nursing degree was "as long as you don't expect me to support you" which was like a slap in the face and seemed out of character (we don't live together!), he gets defensive really quickly if he's uncomfortable with the conversation or feels even slightly challenged, hasn't been in a serious relationship since he was 26 - he's 33, admits that he doesn't express himself emotionally but says this is due to being a bloke!?
He is such a caring, kind bloke and possesses all the qualities my ex lacked. In fact they are total opposites! Something isn't sitting right even though I've met a great guy. I worry I'm being shallow and nitpicking at his qualities.
Trust your gut. If he's not enough move on.
There is nothing wrong with seeking someone with some plans/ ambitions/ motivations.
Just because he is the complete opposite to your ex it doesn't mean he's the one for you. Move on if you're not sure.
Your gut is telling you something. Listen to it.
If he's like this now, what will he be like in 1/5/10 years now?
Thanks for your replies Whether it's because he's not right for me or because I'm still not ready for a relationship, if my gut feeling is that somethings not right I should take heed. You've all said the same thing!
I think you should trust your instincts. You may well not be ready for a more committed relationship just yet and it may well be that this guy isn't the right one anyway. But it has undoubtedly been good to move on and enjoy his company in the short term.
Seems like you'd be settling if you stuck at this
YANBU - you are heading in the right direction, just not quite there yet.
The fact he's the complete opposite to your ex rings some warning bells for me. There must have been something about your ex that attracted you to him and made you think you could make a life with him? Maybe that is the bit that's missing in this new man?
You need to go with your gut, I think. Have you anyone in RL who could give you an honest assessment of how you two seem together?
Good luck, it's not an easy decision when things seem ok but you can't put your finger on quite shy you're not happy
That's a good point creampie I hadn't really considered that. I was deeply in love with my ex until I realised how manipulative and absuive he was. I have spoken with my family and they all really like him because he is a lovely person but my mum and sister understand where I'm coming from. In fact my mum reiterated my doubts about the relationship. Grrr... I hate this!!
as long as you don't expect me to support you That's very undermining.
Does he mean support of the moral or the financial variety?
This is a toughie OP! Would you be with him if your past relationship hadn't happened and you hadn't had the experiences you have had with your ex? I know that sounds a bit abstract but the very fact that your sharing your worries on here, is, it seems to me, proof that you feel deep down - that he isn't right for you. I'll wager you feel deep down, that whether he's a bit of an under achiever by choice or otherwise, you want someone who wants to strive for a little more than they've got. That doesn't mean I think you're on the look out for a Gordon Gecko, but someone with a bit of a dream and a desire to see it happen. Whatever it is..
Also, we haven't had contact since early yesterday evening, which is unusual. We had a silly disagreement on the phoen about nothing and he started saying "I can't be doing with this" and pre-empting the fact he was going to hand up I suggested we end the call and speak when we're in better moods. Normally I'm the one to initiate contact after this kind of thing but I'm now wondering... what's the point?! Silly, I know.
Maybe you just need to be single for a bit longer?
He doesn't sound like much of a catch to be honest. Hold out for someone you have more in common with and who won't resent your success or ambition.
sourdrawers I think you've hit the nail on the head there! And with regards to his comment, I think he meant financially. I've tried to talk to him about it and he said we'll cross that bridge when we come to it... I'm a planner, so it really wasn't a satisfying response! I think he's just not on my wave length. I was so focused on meeting somebody nice I've forgotten all of the other stuff that's important to me. It's been a positive experience but your responses have helped me come to terms with what I have to do.
Nancy66 I agree and I really am happier being single than in a dead end relationship!
You and him being different character types doesn't make the two of you incompatible, and we all 'settle' to some degree. But there are limits to that....
He sounds like he doesn't see anything worth seeing on the horizon, that he's happy to tread water. My experience tells me that that is going to conflict massively with who you are and what you want? I, (late 40's) had a very similar experience 10 years ago. Lovely bloke, very passionate with me, loved my DD and she him - but in broader terms, he was just unmovable and couldn't bare to think of life going any other way, or taking any other shape...... It ended.
Thanks for the perspective sourdrawers that does sound very similar to the situation I am in now!
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