My father left my mother when I was around 5. I did not see him again from the age of around 7/8 until I was 38.
Contact with him was cut after we moved 200 miles away due to my stepfather's job (and I do believe my mother intentionally moved to cut contact especially as she did not tell my father we were moving!)
I do have some memories of him of him doing fatherly things and of visiting after the divorce and I have always had the sense that I was very close to him and was completely devastated by him 'abandoning' me which of course I could not/was not allowed to articulate as a child especially as my mother hated his guts and would not countenance so much as his name being mentioned. He told me he changed my nappies, fed me, taught me to ride a bike etc.
My mother was disgusted that I wanted to meet him a few years back (due to having DCs of my own and always wondering about him and whether he was alive) and declared that he had had no impact on my life at all neither did their very nasty divorce apparently and said he was no more than a 'sperm donor' and referred to him as my 'biological father only'. This was something that contributed massively to her cutting contact with me completely amongst other stuff.
I have not been able to forge a relationship with my father as an adult as it really is too late now. I didn't have any trust in him as he was demonised by mother and I guess I was a bit scared of getting involved/my DC getting involved as my mother accused him of violence during their marriage although he disputes that and my mother certainly was not scared of him as I remember her screaming obscenities at him.
He moved on, has been married to his 2nd wife for over 25 years and brought up her children and I can't get past my bitterness about that as he did not financially support us despite having quite a lot of money and that's something he wanted to conveniently forget when I met him a few years ago.
I still have a lot of guilt in my 'betrayal' of my mother though and sometimes late at night irrationally think that I was in the wrong to want to meet him and open the can of worms that I did, especially as my siblings agree with my mother, that I did a 'disgusting' thing .
I do think he was more than a 'sperm donor' though and portraying him as that massively minimises the feelings that I had for him and the impact the 'loss' of him had on me. AIBU?
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AIBU?
So was my father 'just a sperm donor' so therefore I was not entitled to want to meet him?
36 replies
BubbleGirl01 · 20/01/2015 19:00
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