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Or more to the point is DH being unreasonable

(28 Posts)
Patchworkpatty Sat 17-Jan-15 10:31:17

Hi all, first time poster but very long term lurker, need some unemotionally involved opinions, this is a difficult one. My DH has 3 children. 1 son of 15 With Special needs (attends a special needs school with excellent 4/1 pupil teaching ratio. ) plus twin girls aged 10. DH and I have been married 7 yrs, and in that time we have had the dsc eow and half all holidays. Never changed, no swaps around, no flexibility for life events (weddings, graduations etc - from either side.) Contact is absolutely set in stone and the dcs know where they stand. Relationship between DH and ex W is very very poor. They cannot have even the simplest discussion without a row. All communications now through email. So , the problem is this. Ex W has had a relationship with a local man since 6 weeks after my DH left. (So over 8 yrs) in that time he did not live with DH's ex but maintained his house nearby. This was according to dsc (so cannot be read as gospel) because he isn't keen on little kids and finds them annoying. (He has 4 of his own but divorced his wife when they were very young, they are all now in their twenties). 4 yrs ago he took up a job offer abroad in Qatar, ex wife has flown back and forth, children have been out 4 or 5 times for a holiday. Ex Wife has now married her partner, April 2014 and announced that she will be relocating to live with her husband. My DH has PR and has made it clear that he will not be giving consent. He has also refused mediation on the basis that there is nothing to mediate about. In his opinion, any contact less than the eow he currently has, would be intolerable. So , off to court ex-wife must go to get an order that varies the current contact order and allows her to move to Qatar. It will come down to a court fight with DH saying that it is not in the interests of the children for them to move to Qatar where there is no specialist school for DSS and once the place is given up here, there are over 200 children waiting to take it. one of the twins is on School action plus (international schools in Qatar do not seem to be keen on learning difficulties as it brings the league tables down) so provision for her would not be as good as UK... And of course DH will be devastated about losing them with exception of twice a year and Skype. This has to be weighed up against Ex W completely normal desire to live with her new DH, the fact that she does the lion share of Parenting on her own. (Her choice DH would love to be more involved but this is not accepted if not during his contact time)the sort of lifestyle that we could not begin to be able to give his dcs here in the UK and ultimately having discussed this with them in the most passive way possible, their desire to go. Mum has obviously 'sold 'it to them - an example being, from DSS, 'when we go I can go to a proper school' (like it's optional to be fully statemented and in a school for children with special needs, made me a bit ��) I would obviously miss them dreadfully too, as would my dcs (their step siblings who have been in their lives since they were 2 and 4yrs. So is DH (and me by supporting him) being unreasonable in making Ex W go to court and have welfare reports done on the possible effects this move could or could not have on Dcs and the huge fight and massive costs to her that will entail , to prevent them going or should he just do what the children seem to want although they have no real understanding of what it will be like to only see him twice a year.

Patchworkpatty Sat 17-Jan-15 10:35:44

Sorry, forgot to add. We have proposed children live with us. (We have enough room and with a bit of doubling up could easily accommodate) So that she could move to Qatar to be with new DH and children's lives would not be disrupted. - this was idea was labelled 'preposterous '.

loudarts Sat 17-Jan-15 10:37:37

Dh inbu, exw needs to rethink her priorities. Top of the list should be her dcs welfare and a big part of that is regular contact with their father

WooWooOwl Sat 17-Jan-15 10:44:55

Your DH isn't BU. Not at all.

I don't think 10 year olds are old enough to be able to make a decision about something like this, they will be too heavily influenced by the RP, and holidays are not the same as living somewhere. They cannot possibly know the consequences of their choice, so no, I don't think your DH should do what they say they want.

MinceSpy Sat 17-Jan-15 10:46:48

Understandably your DP thinks he knows best and ExW thinks she does. I think in this case an independent review and decision is in the children's best interests.

PhaedraIsMyName Sat 17-Jan-15 10:49:40

But so is being with their mother. You can't square the circle.

dietstartsmonday Sat 17-Jan-15 10:49:55

am sure the ex wife posted about this last week, sounds like the same story.
I think the fact the special needs will not be catered for means that child should stay. so then it will come down to if it Reasnoble to split the kids up.
I feel this is unreasonable

OVienna Sat 17-Jan-15 10:54:48

Your DH is not being unreasonable. Let a third party sort it.

kittensinmydinner Sat 17-Jan-15 10:54:50

Inmo your DH is nbu, in fact he seems to be doing exactly what is in the dcs best interests. Safe guarding them against their mother making an inappropriate choice for them. She chose to marry a man that she knew lived overseas . He could always move back home or would that mean he would have to pay tax (!) and therefore lifestyle not quite what he is used to. My other concern is that she is planning to take them to live with a man they have never lived with, who finds younger children annoying...are you really sure the new DH 'wants' them there, or is he just playing lip service to new Wife, knowing you will never give permission. We are just going through almost exactly the same thing, only the dcs don't want to go. Just had the first interviews with CAFCAS, don't know what was said as they speak to children without either parent present.

Notnaice Sat 17-Jan-15 11:05:05

Ooh hard one. I think the education aspect is paramount. If you can get proof it is not in their best interests then I think things will swing your way. If it is just heresay then I think you will struggle.
Is there any way to get more visits to the uk agreed if they do go?

The way you write makes you come across as reasonable and wanting what is best for the children whilst still seeing the ex wife's point of view. If you keep that attitude and ask for independent guidance, then hopefully whatever really is in the best interests of the children will be decided. Unfortunately one parent is going to lose out. The children's interests are what is important. They are not emotionally or intellectually mature enough to have a say in this decision, although the impact on them being without their main carer is crucial.

Surreyblah Sat 17-Jan-15 11:32:22

Surely the SN of the eldest is really important. Wonder if it's a factor that the DC will turn 16? Have heard this can be a point when local authorities want to cut back support and funding. Your DH might want to read IPSEA info on that.

Hoppinggreen Sat 17-Jan-15 11:35:35

I think the ex wife has posted about this or at least a very similar scenario.
I think someone independent needs to look at it

LaurieFairyCake Sat 17-Jan-15 11:41:13

I don't think its a big fight, as you've put it they have different perspectives and ideas about what's best.

I would be perfectly happy to put forward my argument to the judge and abide by their decision.

Patchworkpatty Sat 17-Jan-15 12:30:30

Thanks everyone. I think you are right in the majority view, that should let a third party decide. It's really too difficult (certainly from my DH s perspective) to truly be that selfless and put the children's wishes above his feelings. I think my reasons in posting were two fold. The relationship between both parents is infantile at best and an expensive court fight is going to put the children in a difficult awkward position and make the parents relationship to each other even more hostile. Would withdrawing his opposition and therefore improving their relationship a little actually be doing the children with special needs a disservice. Perhaps there is someone on here who lives in Qatar, who can advise on SN education/provision , perhaps it's not as bad as lead to believe. a good school for Dss especially A good school could certainly make move more favourable than at present .as this seems to have been disregarded in ex wife's desire to live with her new husband and sell the idea. To me, this was a red flag. dss cannot just up and change to a 'normal' (to quote him) school. He is at a special school (at huge expense to the state) because it is appropriate for his needs, not just because his mother fancied sending him there. ..its on this basis I think we have to let the professionals in the field make the call and suck it up if they say fine. does anyone know if welfare/cafcass are sure to be instructed when application is made. ? or could this really come down to just mother v father in court without reports. that would be the worst case scenario.

diddl Sat 17-Jan-15 12:41:23

It does sound as if schooling is the issue.

If they were to go, what contact would ex be offering?

All holidays?

Notnaice Sat 17-Jan-15 12:46:52

As part of the court proceedings ask for the details of the school they will be attending and ask for proof of the special needs provision they will offer. They may not be able to provide it but at least it emphasises that your concerns are genuine and valid.

SirChenjin Sat 17-Jan-15 12:55:19

Please have a look at this - I know it's 18 months old, but education and school places seem to be a big problem over there www.telegraph.co.uk/expat/before-you-go/10053737/Moving-guide-10-things-to-know-before-relocating-to-Qatar.html I applied for a job last year over there - I didn't get it, but am very glad that I wasn't successful tbh.

Your DH is NBU. This is a massive move, to a country which is not exactly within easy flying distance, and whilst it may offer expats excellent financial benefits there is far more to life than money.

Surreyblah Sat 17-Jan-15 16:13:34

Agree with you that it seems odd and worrying that the mother hasn't thought through whether the education and pastoral care requirements of two of the DC can be met in the desired location.

TheFriar Sat 17-Jan-15 16:20:57

I would also want to talk about the fact her now DH hasn't lived with them because he is sruggling with chuldren. How he is going to cope with 3 of them full time, no EOW break and one dcs with SN??
Will that really be beneficial for the dcs?

mynewpassion Sat 17-Jan-15 16:31:33

No it was the OP posting as the ex. She admitted to the reverse. I think it was in legal.

waithorse Sat 17-Jan-15 18:05:41

Very difficult situation. I also wonder how the new dh will manage living with 3 children.

PrimalLass Sat 17-Jan-15 18:25:42

Could your DSS with SN stay here with you?

FWIW, my brothers went to DESS and Doha College. They were OK, no better than the state schools I went to in Scotland.

PrimalLass Sat 17-Jan-15 18:27:50

Although the Doha College results look impressive. IME what was lacking with my brothers was life experience, like a Saturday job.

Purplepoodle Sat 17-Jan-15 19:03:16

I wouldn't be waiting for ex wife to go to court. I would be contacting my solicitor now for a residency order

PelvicFloorGoneSouth Sat 17-Jan-15 19:51:21

I'm sure the ex wife posted in legal a week or two ago - if not it was someone with a very similar story. She was told by most posters that she was being unreasonable to consider taking a child with special needs somewhere without suitable provision.

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