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People who you thought were good friends turn out not to be friends at all

(25 Posts)
monkeytree Wed 07-Jan-15 20:14:22

Hi just want to express my thoughts, I find mn a really good place to do that.

I have one or two lovely friends in my life at the moment. We are close but not really close but I feel grateful to know them

The strange thing is I have lost a couple of friendships with people who I felt would be in my life forever and I have been left thinking what have I done wrong.

One friend would call me for coffee and a chat and ring me to talk. We were providing each other with mutual support or so I thought over separate issues in our own lives both of which were fortunately resolved. I felt like I was a good friend to this person and likewise was really fond of her. Then we had a meet up with some other friends and I discovered she was getting married and she hadn't told me let alone invited me to the wedding. It just seemed really bizarre and I was left wondering what I had done wrong.

The other friend also was a good listening ear to me but in return also seemed to really open up in my company and she told me things about herself that I'm sure very few people would know. I thought we had loads in common. Then I became pregnant and after my dc was born it felt like I had been dropped like a brick. I wonder sometimes if having my dc was difficult for her as she had experienced a mc, she seemed happy to support me through the fertility issues I was experiencing, they both did but then as soon as things came right it was like they didn't want to know. It's really strange being dumped so unofficially it's like our friendship was never properly ended or the reasons why talked about and I think that's what makes it so hard to get over I'm left with that what have I done wrong feeling.

I know that I have to go on to form new friendships etc but feel really let down and a bit silly for trusting so much. weirdly despite being let down I also miss chats over cups of coffee with these ladies and the closeness I thought we once shared. I have a dysfunctional family ie siblings aren't close to me, parents separated so I do value my friendships.

anyone experienced similar?

justmyview Wed 07-Jan-15 20:18:00

Unlikely that it's your fault or something that you did, I think those feelings may stem from low self esteem? Could it be that you invested more in those friendships than your friends did, whereas they felt close to you at a certain point in their lives and then they felt the friendship had become less important over time ie drifting apart

TraceyTrickster Thu 08-Jan-15 10:14:41

I had a friend like this- close and we were always calling in one another's house.

Then she dumped me- and I realise she has done the same to many others. If you don't agree 100pct with her, you are no good to her, and she casts you aside. Only after we broke our friendship did I see how many people she had fallen out with- heaps! Very weird but I guess that's the way some people roll..

Life is better without people like this around.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Thu 08-Jan-15 10:21:35

I'm going through this with someone I considered a friend. I think Tracey is right, some people have form for creating and ending friendships arbitrarily, and if you are a bit under confident, as I am, having it happen to you can make you question yourself.

Try to find new friends, easier said than done I know, and chalk the lost friendships up to a mismatch of personalities. Or if your former friends are as bad as mine has turned out to be, a lucky escape!

LL12 Thu 08-Jan-15 10:28:16

I had similar a few years ago when my dd was in nursery, got on really well with another mum, went to each others houses, talked all the time etc
The she moved abroad and rented out her house here, she gave me the mobile number of the tenants which I thought was a bit strange as I had never meet them.
I arranged for some flowers to be delivers to her in her new home with a good luck message and checked with the local florist there that they had been delivered and then absolutely nothing, have never had any contact from her since her leaving party, not even a thank you for the flowers.

I was so upset and felt a total idiot as people were asking me if she like the flowers I had sent and I had to tell them what had happened, what made it worse was that she had contacted and sent cards to other mums from the nursery that she had never socialised with before.
I felt that she had just used me and just wanted me to be some sort of agent for her tenants as she had not used an actual agency.

DreamingofSummer Thu 08-Jan-15 10:29:05

I'm in exactly this situation now. I have/had a close friend (we've been on holiday together) who was having some personal problems. I went out of my way to help her and her husband over a long period of time. They've now cut me off completely - not even a Christmas Card - and I've no idea why

It seems I'm in a large club of her ex-friends. You are either her best mate or a total outsider.

Very sad

Guiltypleasures001 Thu 08-Jan-15 10:46:38

The old adage of misery loves company springs to mind, if one person moves on and starts getting their life in order then the other can feel left behind. I've had a couple like this, if I look back these friends are in the same place they were years ago, same shit different day.

Pumpkinette Thu 08-Jan-15 10:54:42

Some people are just strange OP.

Last year my lifelong friend (since nursery) just stopped talking to me with no explanation.

We met up about once a month as we both had hectic lives and it was fine for years. One day she text to say she had to cancel out meet up as her dog had just died suddenly and as was distraught. Understandable and I sent condolences etc and told her we would rearrange soon and I understood why she wanted to cancel. A week later she blocked me on Facebook and ignored all my texts. No explanation. I just don't get how someone can end a lifelong friendship so suddenly with no explanation.

MarjorieMelon Thu 08-Jan-15 10:57:07

I was friends with someone I used to work with, not great friends but we went to lunch together, meals after work and cinema trips etc. After she left work I was sure that we would stay in touch as we got on so well. A few weeks after she left I sent her an email and she didn't respond I didn't think much of it she was probably busy etc. A couple of months passed and I thought I would call her and arrange an evening out, it went onto voicemail so I left a message saying that I hoped she was enjoying new job and did she fancy meeting at this restaurant we both liked and she didn't respond. It felt like a slap in the face because I had thought that we were friends. But there you go.

LL12 Thu 08-Jan-15 11:00:06

Oh how I wish I could read some people's mind's to see why they do what they do.

clairabellababy Thu 08-Jan-15 11:12:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Reekypear Thu 08-Jan-15 11:19:02

Personally after having similar heartbreak I avoid having very close friendships, I reserve. All that energy for my husband and children.

I keep it light and fun.

iammargesimpson Thu 08-Jan-15 11:29:27

I too have had this happen a few times where I had really close friendships (at least that's what I thought) and then.....nothing. Just total blanks. It's very upsetting and really makes you question yourself. I try to tell myself that the other person has got other things going on in their lives but to just end a friendship so abruptly and without any disagreements or anything is very odd. It's also very difficult to know how to ask the question 'what did I do wrong' or 'what has happened here'. Like a pp, I tend to keep my (few) friendships quite light and focus on my home life more.
I thoughtmy next dr neighbour was a close friend until one day I realised I was the one doing all the texting and calling over, I stopped to see would it be reciprocated and not a thing for at least six months until I texted and invited myself round for coffee! It's been the same since, I make the first move and everything's fine but she doesn't make any effort back so I have 'taken a step back' as they say.
Very hurtful, I wish people would think about their actions and how it impacts on others.

CrapBag Thu 08-Jan-15 12:13:25

See I am a dumpee friend but they have been for valid reasons.

Old school friends friends, treated me like shit in the last months of school. A holiday after we left was r the straw that broke the camels back.

Friends from work, were my bridesmaids, I was always there for them in a crisis. They behaved quite badly at my hen night, I had to go off work ill and it was then they sort of drifted as I couldn't do all the nights out etc that we used to do so I moved and deleted them and never bothered to tell them where I was.

Friendless for a few years as was unable to work or go out and find friends. Made new ones through toddler group who I thought would be life friends. Some in turns out were only friends because of our mutual friend, I never ever heard from the separately and I realised we were all very different people, mutual friend, we were very close and best friends but she changed, got very snobby and treated me in a way I didn't like. She goes around d telling people she doesn't know what happened with making zero effort to actually find out though. Turns out other people I know didn't like her and saw what I did long before I ever did.

The group I thought I would stick with now have done a few things that have made me feel terrible and have treated me how I would never do to so called good friend and it's made me see the very differently. I have backed off completely to see who would actually stay in touch and it's been an eye opener and I don't think they are the close friends I always thought they were.

I have newer friends but I am not going to invest quite so much into it this time, I think I will keep it more casual and see where it goes.

Laura0806 Thu 08-Jan-15 14:07:58

Certainly makes you wonder if its worth it all. I had a similar experience with a friend I adored and would have done anything for. More recently, a friend who I supported through a tough time with her other half showed her true colours over something with our daughters and Im left wondering whats the point. I have lots of friends who are great fun and I really like but haven't the energy to really put that much effort into any of them anymore. Sad really but Ive learnt how easy some people find it just to cut you out of their lives and I can't risk putting that much emotion into it all again

monkeytree Fri 09-Jan-15 18:56:19

Sorry to hear there is so much of this going on but reassuring to hear I am not alone. It's really hurtful when you give so much and feel let down, really it is their loss to lose a good friend. It has made me wary about investing too much into new friendships which is a real shame. I am a sahm now and do miss the general banter of work colleagues though none of them could be described as real friends, familiarity I guess. It seems it's really difficult to form new friendships and connect with others at least I am finding it so. I am an introvert at heart but can switch to be quite outgoing once I have gained confidence amongst a group of people. Thanks to all that have replied x

biggles50 Fri 09-Jan-15 22:44:54

It's happened to me and it's so frustrating when you think everything is tickerty boo... I recently had a friend who shared so much with me in terms of her problems. I listened and listened, sent encouraging texts, suggested nights out or in. Then I introduced her to a friend and that was it. I only see her now if I contact her. It's hurtful but I heard wise words a while back it goes something like "people don't let you down. You have an expectation of them that they can't fulfil" . So remember that each time you feel your chest tighten when you think of the "friends".

LuluJakey1 Sat 10-Jan-15 00:44:22

I had a very close friend who I always felt took more from the relationship than she gave but we got on really well and had lots of laughs, good times and holidays togethet. She always had a trauma in her life- was on her third marriage, 2 children, 2 step children , husband's ex-wife, problems at work , sister struggling in another country with husband with MH issues. Her 3rd marriage was breaking down and I was always really supportive of her, emotionally and practically, but then my mum became very ill and frail and I was under a lot if strain and she never contacted me once- to ask about how my mum was or how I was.

At first I just thought she must be busy and I kept ringing her but she would say she would ring me to sort out a time to meet up and she just never did. Yet she was seeing other friends regularly - not mutual friends. I was really hurt. DH said I should just let her get on with it and take it as a lesson learned about her. He always thought se wanted everything on her terms and was essentially selfish and I had always said he was wrong.

Months later she contacted me about something not personal by email and said, as she always did, she would ring me and arrange a time to do something. I thought about just letting it go but decided I should say something. So I emailed back and just said I would rather she didn't contact me. I had felt very let down and that after all of the support I had given her over the years, she had not been there to support me and I felt that had drawn a line under the friendship. She was quite shirty with me as if I had no right to speak up.

That was a few years ago now. I have bumped into her since through work a number of times and she makes a point of coming across to say hello, not to be nice but almost to make me speak to her but I simply reply the same and leave it at that. I never get drawn into any conversation. I am someone who can't go back to relationships once I have given up on them.

EmDuffers Sat 10-Jan-15 02:58:35

I am only 2 months older than my friend and born and raised on the same street, our mothers are best friends.

After 22 years of friendship she dropped me. No explanation. Nothing.

She doesn't even text happy birthday.

whitecandles Sat 10-Jan-15 05:02:08

Some of these are so sad. How can people just drop a lifelong friend with no explanation?

I recently stopped being friends with someone because she was so competitive with me, always comparing herself to me, buying stuff that I owned already, putting me down...I like her but her behaviour made me feel really weird.

In the end, she slept with a guy she knew I liked and I just knew that she would always always always be trying to outdo me. I told her I didn't want to be her friend any more and that was that. She was upset and actually I was too but I didn't want that toxic shit in my life any more.

Recently got talking to her again but she hadn't changed so won't make that mistake again.

Coyoacan Sat 10-Jan-15 05:29:55

I think it is horrible when people don't tell you what you did or why.

I went through a phase when this happened with different friends. You wrack your brain to think what you might have done of offend someone that you would never consciously offend, but they don't even give you the chance to say sorry.

Being very aware that I have my defects I would think they've twigged them and that is the problem. Then one of these people decided to be friends with me again and one day I asked her why she had stopped talking to me for six months. Too long a story to go into here, but a total invention in her own head, she had not caught on to any of my major or minor failings at all.

But I do think that if someone has been a close friend, they deserve to know what has annoyed you and to have a chance to either explain or say sorry.

sleepywombat Sat 10-Jan-15 05:40:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bulbasaur Sat 10-Jan-15 05:57:58

This will sound weird but sometimes friends simply serve a purpose for the point in your life you're at. So some friends are just party friends, some friends are friends to commiserate with, some friends are baby bump friends, some are workout buddies, some are work friends. When you move on from those phases of your life the friendship fades because the reason you were friends in the first place are no longer applicable. It's why not a lot of high school friends are still best friends anymore, they just moved on to different points of their lives. It's rare to find a lifelong best friend, and most people can barely count those types of friends on one hand.

These friends that ditched you just moved on to new phases of their lives. Don't take it personally. I'd just get out and join some clubs so that even if you don't make any close friends you're still doing something you enjoy.

Pensionerpeep Sat 10-Jan-15 10:15:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SallyStudioIsMyFriend Sat 10-Jan-15 10:28:04

Completely agree with Bulbasur.
I was told friends are there for a reason, season or a lifetime. Figure out what yupe of friend you have, it may make it easier to deal with any issues that arise.
Its not necessarily you, its just the dynamic of the friendship.

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