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One of us is BU but is it him or me?

(20 Posts)
lbsjob87 Sun 28-Dec-14 09:50:35

We are due to go to my iL's today for a late Christmas dinner. It has been pre-arranged for months and I have no problem with going, we get on well and I think it's only fair OH sees his parents after spending Christmas Day with mine and working the rest of it.
However, my FiL is terminally ill and has spent most of Christmas in bed - he was even admitted to hospital for a night, because he has next to no immune system and picked up a bug that really laid him low.
I have a very heavy cold, sore throat and generally achy - I slept for 10 hours last night and feel no better.
My concern is that I have the start of flu and the absolute worst thing I could do is to spread it to my FiL - in his current state, it could easily kill him.
But my OH says it's probably his dad's last Christmas and if I don't go it would ruin things. He also said that as long as I don't get too close it will be fine.
My view is he should take the kids and I will stay at home, to be honest I really need a day to just veg out with no kids, to get as much rest as I can but he thinks I should go, and my iLs say it's my decision.

I also think that today is just one day, and my absence would be a lot easier to get over than if FiL ended up with pneumonia or worse, but then it is only a cold and you only get one last Christmas. The plan is to get the whole family together and be as "normal" as possible.

Me not being there would be noticeable.

WSID?

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 28-Dec-14 09:52:52

Husband I have a stinky cold and he has no immune system. You do the maths, I am going to bed.

Bunbaker Sun 28-Dec-14 09:55:51

Your husband takes the children and leaves you at home. When he gets there you Skype your FIL.

How would both of you feel if you did pass your virus on to your FIL?

WooWooOwl Sun 28-Dec-14 09:56:23

If your in laws are happy for you to go then I'd go. Is FIL still in bed? If so, couldn't you go but just stay by the door and not get too close, then stay in the other rooms?

I think if they want you to go and have accepted the risk then you should go and just be as hygienic as possible. If it is fils last Christmas and it will be noticed that you are missing, I'd suck it up. It's only a cold.

Nospringflower Sun 28-Dec-14 09:57:24

I think ILs should decide rather than leave it up to you I.e. yes we want you to come even though you might give him your bug or no don't come as its not worth the risk. You can't be responsible! Assuming you feel well enough to go.

Mammanat222 Sun 28-Dec-14 09:58:21

I'd consult the in-laws and ask them to make the decision.

If you don't go today, arrange a lunch in the New Year when you are better?

sarkymare Sun 28-Dec-14 09:58:43

I wouldn't go anywhere near somebody with a weakened immune system if I had a cold. YANBU.

The last thing FIL needs is to pick up another illness.

Could you give the PILS a call and let them know you're ill and see what they suggest? I know they are Your DP's parents but really its not down to him to decide. It's down to PIL. It's his health at risk after all.

Trazzletoes Sun 28-Dec-14 10:00:52

Call and ask your MIL.

When DS had no immune system to speak of, even people with a cold had to be kept away. In fact, DH was banned from him because he had a stye (sp?). I'd have killed anyone with my bare hands who tried to pass germs to him.

I missed saying goodbye to my DMIL because I had something that sounded a lot like whooping cough when she was dying. I spent a lot of time in a hospital car park. I hope she understood. But I couldn't have lived with myself if i had killed her sooner.

Seriously, see what your MIL says. Your FIL may well say come just because he wants to see you, but your MIL may take a different view. Sorry you are all having to go through this.

pudcat Sun 28-Dec-14 10:06:41

We kept ill people away from my Mum even though we knew it would be her last Christmas last year. We did not want her to suffer more than she was. If she had got pneumonia on top of everything else she would have been in such terrible pain.

CakeAndWineAreAFoodGroup Sun 28-Dec-14 10:08:00

I agree, ask your MIL. Word it carefully so she knows that you feel it's best not to go.

I think that your DH wants you there to support him at an emotionally difficult time, tbh but under these circs where FIL has already been in hospital because of a bug...

It's not an easy time for any of you.

Hope you feel better soon.

MinceSpy Sun 28-Dec-14 10:11:04

I'd ring MIL and ask her what they would prefer. Then if they ask you to stay away DP can take the children and you can rest.

IAmAPaleontologist Sun 28-Dec-14 10:11:16

Yes you should stay away. But I don't think your dh is being unreasonable, he is being emotional and there is a difference. I can easily imagine that he has built this last, perfect family Christmas get together up in his mind and that he is desperate for the reality to live up to expectation. He probably needs you there as emotional support more than he would like to admit.

But ultimately, you are right and you shouldn't go. Call your MIL, talk to her and hopefully with her blessing your dh will realise you are right. I hope in a few days you feel better and you can spend some time as a family then.

MrsCosmopifairylight Sun 28-Dec-14 10:21:00

Difficult. I can see the emotional side of things as I've an infirm relative who is mostly in bed.
However, my relative does not have a depressed immune system.
If you can schedule in another visit after Christmas/early new year, see if that's an option.
Otherwise, voice your concerns to IL's directly and see what they prefer. Emphasise that you do want to see them but are very worried about making FIL ill, especially as he's recently been hospitalised.

TendonQueen Sun 28-Dec-14 10:29:02

It's not actually Christmas Day so you could easily arrange another day for you to all be together and he and his family can have this one. I would tell him you couldn't live with yourself if you made your FIL ill now. Could it be that he doesn't want to deal with the kids without you there? Can you arrange something for New Year's Day as an extra?

Twooter Sun 28-Dec-14 10:32:14

Are your ILs the type who would feel rude telling you not to come. I wonder if by leaving you to make the decision they are hoping you will decide not to come.

SackAndCrack Sun 28-Dec-14 10:42:31

It clearly says in the OP that the IL's said its up to her.

Twooter Sun 28-Dec-14 11:07:21

Sack, that might be what they said but may not be what they mean.

timetoplay Sun 28-Dec-14 11:11:00

I'm wondering if since he's dying maybe he isn't bothered if he gets sicker and would rather see everyone while he still can otherwise wouldn't the ILs say? Or are they too polite to be honest?

HamPortCourt Sun 28-Dec-14 11:21:08

I wouldn't go. I would however arrange to go and see them myself, with or without DH, as soon as I felt better.

It sounds like DH just doesn't want to go without you but I think you should take yourself to bed and make lovely plans to make it up to FIL when you are better.

Babiecakes11 Sun 28-Dec-14 11:36:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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