about these friends and their attitude?(7 Posts)
NC because it might be quite recognisable. I know I'm fretting about this and shouldn't, but it is bugging me.
I know friends A and B from the same period in my life. We were all studying as training for the same sort of job - A has changed her mind and is doing something different but related, B has taken longer because he had a baby, and I got a job earlier this year. I was very excited at the time, but I didn't think I rubbed it in (I didn't see it as anything to rub in, because there's no reason to think they wouldn't have got the same jobs if they had decided to/not been on paternity leave).
Friend A got married earlier this year, at the same time I was getting divorced. Obviously I did not speak about the divorce to her at the time (bit of a downer when you're planning a wedding!). But she has not once mentioned it since or got in touch to ask how I am doing with it, although I was her bridesmaid so you'd think we were quite close. She is from a fairly religious background, and I don't know if this might have to do with it.
Friend B married a little while ago and has a newborn. He is pretty religious and we have very different views on some things, but we've never had what I would call a row. He is strongly pro-life and I am pro-choice, although I have had an abortion and fertility issues. I don't think he knows this, though A does.
I recently moved to the same city he's living in, so did the usual thing of getting in touch, suggesting coffee. It didn't happen and I figured it might be because of the newborn. Recently his wife sent out a round robin asking for some decorating help (moving heavy things) and so I got in touch to offer, and heard nothing back, so assumed I wasn't welcome/needed. I was a little bit hurt because he knows I know next to no one else in the city and could have done with a little friendliness.
I just saw A and B discussing A coming to visit (she lives quite a long way away) and chimed in to say I'd love to see her while she was in town. B went quiet and A has got in touch with me privately to say she thinks it would be better not as I will 'upset' B. She's brushed me off when I asked what I've done to upset him, and I don't know if it's the abortion stuff (it is actually not massively easy for me getting lecture on the sanctity of life by someone who has a healthy newborn), or whether it's the job stuff, or whether he doesn't approve of the divorce.
I know the mature thing to do is to shrug and accept that there's little point trying to be friends with people who are more stress than they're worth. I really don't usually go in for drama-y friendships. But I would like to know what you think of their attitudes so I can stop fretting about it and letting it get to me. Or, maybe, so you can tell me a totally obvious reason for it that I've not thought of yet.
Can't think of an obvious reason but I would definitely call them on it - "Hi, look, A said something about me upsetting you and I certainly haven't meant to - can we talk about it?"
But basically, their behaviour is just rude (B+wife) and do you really want to continue a friendship where different morals/values/jealousy are held as superior emotions over affection for a friend?
You have every right to feel hurt.
I'm being a bit of a wuss, I guess, about approaching him.
To be honest, I don't hugely care about his friendship beyond feeling a little disappointed, but I feel upset she's obviously on his side.
he may feel that he has some moral high ground over you due to the reglious ideas, tbh i'd put it down to experience and accept that you move in dlfferent circles in your way of thinking,he has possibly put you down and decreed that you aren't 'acceptable ' friend material for his wife. some religious people are quite judgey about things, good luck with meeting new friends, you'll be fine !
His wife seems perfectly nice and quite friendly (and she was pregnant when they got married, so his religious views are obviously flexible!). But yes, I'd not thought of that, maybe I'm a bad influence!
How hurtful of them. They don't seem very nice, I can't see what you've done wrong
Going on what you say the only thing I can think friend B could be 'upset' about is the abortion, but given that you didn't tell him, he shouldn't even know about that! Do you think friend A might have told him, and that's why she's reluctant to come clean about what his issue is?
toomuch, his views are probably flexible when it suits him, these people are no loss in your life, she certainly isn't a friend to treat you this way.
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