Is this just something that happens after a wedding?

[KatePark1]

I got married a month ago and have just returned from honeymoon. We met up with our friends on Saturday for a pre-Christmas gathering and it was the first time we’d seen everyone since the wedding. Feeling a little deflated – no one was rude about us per se but I feel as though between them they have gone through our guest list and taken the mick out of people. “God, so and so was embarrassing”, “X took an instant dislike to X” and so on. Most upsetting was an issue which concerns an old friend from school. She is going through quite a tough time at the moment and I think it is taking its toll on her quite a lot. She’s just not herself and acting extremely out of character. She was an embarrassing nightmare at my hen night and by the sounds of it got quite drunk and said a couple of inappropriate things at the wedding. A friend on Saturday remarked how she made an idiot of herself on the dancefloor with another male friend (who by the sounds of it was quite interested in her” and had to be pulled off apparently. After the hen do, I was quite disappointed as it seems she went down like a lead balloon and was a bit of a laughing stock. After I was told about “something she had done” at the wedding I actually said to everyone that she was going through a tough time and that I was concerned about her, I’d had enough. I care about her and she is more than a source of idle amusement to me and I hate that she has become this person because she is just lovely.

I’m feeling oddly deflated. I just wonder if they spent the entire evening slagging everyone off?! I feel as though I’m going mad by questioning a group of friends we’ve known for years??! I just think that if I were in their situation I a) wouldn’t say these things in the first place and b) wouldn’t want to sour the wedding of my friends so soon

PLEASE tell me I am being over sensitive and U. They are not horrible people but I think just a little thoughtless.

[CheeseBuster]

You are. Ring ridiculously over sensitive. They are just remembering funny parts of the night. And at weddings these are generally things done by drunk people. They aren't laughing at your wedding.

[CheeseBuster]

And if this was your first meet up since wedding I'm guessing you were expecting lots of compliments on the table settings/ chair covers and tbh no one cares about all that expect the bride.

[LadyLuck10]

Yabu, people usually do talk about the parts that stand out from a wedding. If your friend behaved badly, she would have left an impression on everyone and would be talked about regardless of what's going on in her personal life.

[BreconBeBuggered]

Silly sods. As you say, they have forgotten, in their glee at your friend's perceived oddness, that she's not merely a diverting source of gossip to you. Don't let it get to you. They probably enjoyed your wedding as much as you'd intended, but their experience of it was naturally very different from yours.

[Tinkerball]

Drunk people do stupid things and provide lots of gossip at weddings, parties etc. of course people are going to talk if something happens, that's not the same as slagging your wedding off at all! I think you're deflated after all the planning and expectations are now over, quite common after your wedding for some people.

[SpicyBeat]

I actually don't think YABU. It's not very serious and I wouldn't advise confrontations or cutting people out, but they are being thoughtless jerks to talk about your other friends and your wedding that way. It's pretty common for people to treat weddings as any old giant party and not a special day though so don't take it to heart.

[JustMuddlingBobBobBobbingAlong]

You say she was an embarrassing nightmare at your hen do. She obviously repeated the performance at your wedding. My friends and I have a debriefing of any previous night out when we get together. I don't think they are souring your wedding. You organised the wedding, but you can't dictate people's thoughts on it.

[Fallingovercliffs]

Well a lot of the fun of a wedding is talking afterwards about some of the daft or odd things people did; who made a show of themselves after too much drink etc.
Maybe not very tactful to do it in front of you when your old school friend was the outrageous guest in question; but I doubt it's being done maliciously and it certainly wouldn't have detracted from their enjoyment of your wedding.

[DoJo]

I think it is normal to share all the wedding gossip with the bride and groom after the wedding - there is so much that happens that the couple won't be aware of, and most love hearing about who did what and what they might have missed whilst saying hello to everyone for hours.
If you are concerned about your friend, then that's one thing and perhaps the comments from your friends have drawn attention to the fact that she is struggling, but you yourself have called her 'an embarrassing nightmare' so I don't think you have much high ground from which to take your other friends' comments to heart.
If hearing these friends' comments has made you realise that your friend needs more support, then that's one thing, but I don't think you can expect everyone to realise that she is going through a hard time. I'm sure they didn't mean to 'sour' your wedding, just sharing some of the funny stories from the big day.

[Neverbuyheliumbalonz]

It's a bit mean if they knew she was going through a hard time, but that is a separate issue to the fact it was at your wedding. YABU to be upset that they were laughing about something that happened at your wedding.

Wedding post mortems are exactly for finding out who made an arse of themselves often me, not for discussing how original and beautiful the favours and the 'cards box' were.

[KatePark1]

Thanks for all your replies. I just suppose I feel as though they're waiting to jump on her for every little thing she does. I was totally the opposite of a bridezilla btw - had an entire glass of red wine spilled down me at 11pm and couldn't have given a monkey's. The issue is not that it wasn't a "perfect wedding" in their eyes it's more that i told them i was concerned about her and they persisted in telling me more and more stuff about her.

[LadyLuck10]

If everything thing your friend did was inappropriate it will be talked about. I'm sure your friends weren't actively seeking her out.

[Charlullaby]

Not the same at all but I had a birthday night out and invited a good friend and told her to bring a friend along.

My group of "friends" did nothing but slag them off when I saw them next and it really soured the night for me. So imo YANBU.

[SweetsForMySweet]

YANBU to be disappointed that your friends would rather hash over negative parts of your wedding day rather than talk about you/your dh and what a great time they had. I think you are worried about your friend but sadly, your friends didn't hold back what they thought of her or her behaviour because they don't know her. If it comes up again, just ask that they talk about the parts of your wedding that they enjoyed as you find it upsetting and disrespectful to have people mocking your friend when they don't know her and she is going through a tough time. Your friends may not realise how much they have upset you by using your friend as a source of cheap gossip and entertainment. If they persist, you will know that they are prats and best off having limited contact with them but give them the chance first to prove it was unintentional rather than mean.

[cricketpitch]

You sound like a nice friend - you clearly care about your other friend and that is a quality to be admired, We have all done stupid things and our best friends make allowances.

Others have said the gossip is normal - and it is up to a point but a little sensitivity would go a long way.

Glad that you enjoyed the wedding

[DoJo]

Perhaps they were telling you more stories about her because you said you were worried - if you have voiced your thoughts that she is acting out of character, then maybe they were sharing the stories in agreement with your assessment of her state. Either way, unless they are close enough to her to say something or offer her support, they probably just don't realise just how much of an issue this might be.

[JustMuddlingBobBobBobbingAlong]

Gossiping about someone making a tit of themself, is usually done with relief it wasn't you. IME

[Idontseeanysontarans]

Slagging off the brides guest to the bride after the wedding is not normal at all! If anybody has any thoughts about certain guests a normal person would keep it between themselves not take the first opportunity to bitch about them to the brides face, especially after you had expressed genuine concerns about her.
I would look at these people rather differently tbh unless they were expressing actual concern about her.

[LoisHatesChristmas]

Your poor friend, not nice to see someone so low. Doubt they intended to sound so harsh, just filling you in on the gossip probably not realising its insensitive. I had a friend come round after my wedding to quiz me on my choice of guest! "why was so and so there? Why didn't you invite x?" etc. Really annoyed me!

[MissBattleaxe]

Op- you sound very kind and caring.

YANBU. It's normal to have a post-match rehash of a wedding afterwards, but the number one rule is you don't do it front of the bride or groom!!

[PulpsNotFiction]

Well I couldn't wait to get the low down on mine who snogged who, who fell in the lake, who barfed before the wedding breakfast after too much champagne. But you're not BU, you're just lovely and I'm not!

[tigermoll]

There are two things going on here:

1. your concern for your troubled friend
   
2. feeling that your friends 'have gone through our guest list and taken the mick out of ...everyone'
   
   YANBU about your friend - she sounds like she needs compassion not sniggers.
   YABU about the rest of it - it's perfectly normal to feel deflated after a wedding because it's been the focus of so much attention for so long. Your friends don't have to go on pretending for ever that your wedding was a flawless occasion.

[Idontseeanysontarans]

It's not about wanting to hear that you had a flawless wedding, isn't it more about basic manners? Slagging off a friend of the bride to the brides face is just plain rude and bitchy.

[KatePark1]

thanks everyone. Your responses have helped me to realise that perhaps i am a little oversensitive, but i will continue to defend my friend on that point. Thx again.

[Tobyjugg]

Strikes me as totally normal behaviour. None of these people is as close to your old school friend as you are and, presumably, know her only from her antics on the dance floor etc. If they were as close to her as you are, it might be different. Put them out of your mind. The fact that you care for your old friend makes you a good person but there's nothing to say that your mates wouldn't feel exactly the same if it were one of their old friends.