My life is so bleak and hopeless

[fedup91]

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm nearly 24, live with my alcoholic mother and her boyfriend and have had a miserable life. It never gets better and it never ends. I have always been an outsider, grew up with my mother and her abusive boyfriend who she is still with (I live with them). As a child i was extremely anxious and fearful, my social anxiety started at 7. I comfort ate and was always a fat kid. My father was always critical of me and is one of the reasons why I have issues around food and feeling ashamed. I started having panic attacks constantly in school at 11, and couldn't take anymore, so took 4 overdoses between 13-14 and had some tutoring at an education centre.

I always saw the other kids and wished I could be a part of their family, a loving, stable family with a mum and a dad. I knew my mother could never give me this, so I've always been very maternal and knew I wanted children and to get married.

Unfortunately my social anxiety continued throughout my teens and I spent all of those years friendless and housebound, depressed. I have had all kinds of therapy since I was 12, psychologists, psychiatrists, psychotherapists, occupational therapists.

I have never been in a relationship, never had a job, still a virgin and desperate for a family. I was diagnosed with endometriosis last year and I feel like the odds are always stacked against me. I would make a great mother, I would be supportive and loving, understanding because of everything that I've been through. Being a mother would be the making of me. I just don't understand why i'm so unlucky, why do I always get the short straw? I just feel so hopeless, I feel like my life is some cruel joke. I'm a kind, thoughtful and loyal person. I would do anything for anyone and love to help people. I just don't understand why life is so unfair.

It doesn't help when I bump into all the girls I went to school with in town with their children, or with their partners. Again, I'm an outsider. Will I ever get a change to be on the inside?

[TimelyNameChangey]

You will. You have the chance it just means you need to take one step at a time.

Set goals. Your first goal is to go to the doctor...tell them about this...all of it...and ask for help with your anxiety, your food issues and what sounds like depression.

That is your first step. Do you think you can do it?

Actually I think it's your second step...you've made your first by posting here.x

[kittykathat]

All you are doing is feeling sorry for yourself. Life is unfair for everyone.
I raised myself from 16, im an orphan i didnt ask to be one but shit happens
You are only 23
Having a baby wont solve anything
Go to the gym it will make u feel better
Get a job and move out of that negative household

[tunaandcheesesandwich]

I'm sure you will be a mother one day if you want to. I have endometriosis and have 2 children. Make sure you get checked at a doctor as you can have laser treatment on your endometriosis to stop it increasing too much.

You are still young, so don't be too hard on yourself. Most people aren't in serious relationships at your age.

What affect does your social anxiety have on your life? Do you go out at all? I think you would feel better about yourself if you got some kind of job, even if it is voluntary work. Start small, maybe a local charity shop, or small office.

[Thisishowyoudisappear]

I am so sorry you are feeling so hopeless and that your life has been so difficult.

I echo PP, going to the dr would be a really good start I think. There are solutions to the problems you describe. Anxiety can be treated very successfully indeed.

If you are determined to become a mother one day then by hook or by crook you will become a mother one day! Right now though , perhaps you could allow yourself to try to channel some of that instinct towards yourself? You deserve it.

[MorelliOrRanger]

Of course you will, the first step is always the hardest, could you see your doctor to discuss this with them, they will help you.

I personally think moving out of you mothers house would be a good move too. House share maybe? It would introduce you to new people, give you some independence.

I'm not sure how you would do this though, as obviously there are other issues to deal with first.

Have you looked into part time college courses, again that would introduce you to new people and skills. That might help give you some confidence too.

What interests you? Childcare for instance.

Good luck. X

[Topseyt]

Just wanted to lend my support too. I'm not really able to give any further advice other than that which has already been given.

I agree that going to your doctor should be your first port of call. Also, perhaps make appointments with your local CAB and housing office to check out the possibility of moving out of your mother's place, which sounds most unsuitable for you.

[TimelyNameChangey]

It's all very well advising OP to move out but that is a huge step for someone who's never had a job! She won't be able to afford even a flatshare...and it's hard to get that on housing benefit.

OP...one step at a time...doctors first.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

The thing is that you don't really know what has gone on in others lives so its easy to idealise what you see around you. I am successful, married with DC etc. I also had one parent who developed cancer when I was 5 and died of it when I was 16. I know people who lost parents at a younger age than me yet you would never guess unless you knew them.

Your life has been tough and its not fair that you didn't have a good childhood but that doesn't mean you can't have a good adulthood. Think about what you want out of life. However, don't spend your life simply trying to recreate the family and childhood you didn't have - my Dad did that to an extent (his mum died when he was a toddler) and it put us DC under a lot of pressure to meet his idealised image of what family was.

I would see your GP and find out about counselling. Find a part time course at a local college that interests you and look into doing some voluntary work so you can get out and meet people. When you are feeling stronger then I would see about moving into a flat share away from your mum.

[notagainffffffffs]

It can and will get better :) I think once yoy get all your ducks in a row things will slot into place. Things I think will help...
A job :) any old job for now for some money tooo...
B move out - flat shares are good to meet new people
C join clubs, work oyt what you like, start dating and meeting new men/friends

[drudgetrudy]

Although I take kittythekaths point I think she is asking too much too soon.
Going to the doctor does sound like a good idea.

If you had a job what sort of thing would you be interested in?
Take baby steps-you are only 24 -you have plenty of time to become a Mum.
A good starting place would be one evening course and a bit of voluntary work related to what you would like to do.
You are more likely to meet a serious partner as a side effect of doing something you are interested in.
Also some individual counselling (sometimes available at your GP practice) would help.You could do with someone to cheer you on as you start to build a life worth living.
An exercise class is also a good idea-but don't expect people to talk to you right away-it will take time.

[IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes]

Yes fedup but its going to take you having to make small steps.

Agree with others that first port of call should be GPs.

Then you need to contact sheltered accommodation/housing and get some advice on what help there is to get you out of environment you are living in at the moment.

Those are first 2 steps you need to take first, the rest will follow. Sheltered accommodation helped me and offered support with appointments etc as I know how hard it is when you have social anxiety / panic attacks.

Nothing is going to change overnight but you can take control of making changes.

[BMW6]

I agree with those who say get away from the toxic home that you are in.
Get a job - anything will do (perhaps a job that has accommodation - nanny, au pair, care home worker).

Maybe if you take on work that involves helping others (children, elderly) your self-esteem will blossom, as you will be making a difference to others lives and consequently your own? In such work you will also socialise with others, which would again help your self image.

What do you think OP?

[monkeytree]

You can turn this around, I did. I received CBT for my social phobia, took small steps in terms of finding work - started with voluntary work before finding paid employment and then moved out of a very negative environment. Take small steps, it can be done. speak to your GP about endometreosis and any treatment options. Treat yourself kindly.

[fedup91]

Thank you all so much for your replies. I'm going to try and take small steps. My mother is my only source of emotional support so moving out would probably be even worse and I'd become even more isolated and depressed. I'm in my final year studying for my degree with the open university, hopefully things will change.

[Becca19962014]

Have you discussed your MH with your tutor at the OU? They can offer you support as well as going to speak to your GP, there may be something available locally to you as well as a student.

If you login to your OU student record you should have access to OUSA (open university student association) chat rooms and forums, there will be forums for the courses but also forums for things like mental health and looking towards the future - you are likely to find support there as well from people in a similar situation. There is also the careers service.

Ive not been a tutor for awhile so you may need to dig around the website a lot to find the forums ive mentioned.

Please do let them know, it would really benefit your studies and provide you with extra support.

[ExtraVolume]

An OU degree is a great achievement, well done.

Do you know what area you want to work in. It is worth getting into some volunteering before you finish. Even a few hours a week for six months means you can claim you have spent six months volunteering, which is much better than 2 weeks full time. Going in regularly will mean you have time to reflect on what you are picking up and will get to know people. That should give you some confidence and help your social skills. That will help in getting a job and moving out.

Having a baby is hard, hard work and you should make sure you are in a good position, friends to support you, a partner who respects you and make sure you have spent some time grieving for your childhood, as it can all hit you in the face when you are looking at a vulnerable yet demanding little person just like you were.

[AddToBasket]

What are your creative outlets, OP?

[bouncingbelle]

Your past may have been bad due to other people but your future is what you make it.

You need to have a life of your own first before worrying about having a baby. Your post is all about how a baby would improve your life and help you come to term with your issues - but that's not fair on a baby. You are only young, there are much more important things to worry about first.

See your gp and explain your situation.
Apply for social housing. Provide a medical note explaining the situation you are living in and how it affects your health. This WILL get you further up the list.
Don't use your emotional dependence on your mother as a reason not to move out. Instead, use moving out as the catalyst for further change, including working on building a social circle.
Volunteer or join a group, even a church group (even if religion isn't really your thing-but there does tend to be a good community feel about them), baby steps.
Are there any confidence building workshops in your area or that your gp could send you on?

Take control of your life.

[Aradia]

First of all well done for doing an OU degree! That's brilliant, and takes commitment and is a really good step in the right direction. Be very kind to yourself, it's all about taking small steps in the right direction now.

I can really recommend learning NLP (Neuro linguistic programming). There is a book called NLP for Dummies that is great, it will help you to start changing the way that you think and give you some practical information about how to make things go your way. Seeing a Hypnotherapist who uses this technique and something else called EFT (also known as tapping) could also be really helpful to you. I am a therapist and get really good results with these techniques.

Volunteering as a pp mentioned is also a really good idea. Something you are interested in and could make a difference to the lives of others.

Take heart. You are still young at 23! You can turn this around. Life WILL get better. You can change things. You have already taken a big step by posting here and doing your degree. Take some time to visualise what you DO want to happen. Really spend time thinking about the details of how you want your life to be. One step at a time now. Be kind and gentle with yourself.

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

You are so, so young, fedup. I really hope you can change things. You can, you know.

If it's any comfort to you, my life now bears no resemblance to my life when I was 23. I was a completely different person then.

Work out ways that you can have more independence - break away from the things you don't like about your life. Good luck with the OU - it should open up some opportunities for you.