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To have taken this long to realise (possibly triggering)

(9 Posts)
F1nallycl1cked Wed 19-Nov-14 15:03:18

I've NCd for this as its sensitive in nature.

I've been a MN regular for a while now and have followed the more feminist/Chad evans the latest one about the presenter and such threads with interest as I have had similar experiences in the past.

On two separate occasions now I've been raped. That's the first time I've ever acknowledged it. I've always blamed myself for getting into stupid situations, being too drunk, dressing inappropriately, generally putting myself at risk in situations that were at best questionable.

Thanks to mumsnet I've realised I was not to blame, I said no, repeatedly, tried to remove myself from the situation but was unable to. I think this has had more of an impact on my life than I've ever really realised and I feel, I don't know, free I suppose?

Having been in some pretty toxic relationships I felt I wasn't worthy of anything more, I met my now husband more by accident than design and he has treated me like a princess from the start and still does many years later, I'm currently pregnant with my first child, a daughter, and I will do everything in my power to make sure she is empowered and doesnt take any shit!

Sorry this is long, I just wanted to thank you all for opening my eyes. Keep up the good work as I'm sure there are many more like me, mores the pity x

LumpenproletariatAndProud Wed 19-Nov-14 15:06:12

Yup me too. Twice.

I never realised until I joined MN. I wasnt drunk the first time and the second time he took me to his, deliberately bought me a bottle of vodka and kept pouring huge ones for me, waited until I could barely stand and shagged me. Then drove me home because he didnt and never did drink.

What a wanker.

ithoughtofitfirst Wed 19-Nov-14 15:10:54

It's awful to think some people can't acknowledge what actually happened to them because they blame themselves.

flowers for anyone who is in this position. It's really unfair.

Callani Wed 19-Nov-14 15:15:59

Me too OP - it's surprising that, for someone so vocal against rape, I viewed my own experience as just "something that happens". I wish I'd told someone now - I'm pretty sure the guy who raped me must have targeted other girls as well.

stilltryingtoforget Wed 19-Nov-14 16:31:37

I have just posted under this nc something similar on a thread in Relationships, since being on MN, particularly recently I have become more aware of what happened to me, but I still cant bring myself to call it rape/sexual assault as I still feel ashamed, that it was my fault. I have never told in RL and tbh I dont know what to do, I feel I have no control over it, It has just come flooding back and I feel trapped by this dirty secret that I just cant admit out loud.

stilltryingtoforget Wed 19-Nov-14 16:32:08

I have just posted under this nc something similar on a thread in Relationships, since being on MN, particularly recently I have become more aware of what happened to me, but I still cant bring myself to call it rape/sexual assault as I still feel ashamed, that it was my fault. I have never told in RL and tbh I dont know what to do, I feel I have no control over it, It has just come flooding back and I feel trapped by this dirty secret that I just cant admit out loud.

fourwoodenchairs Wed 19-Nov-14 16:35:17

A horrible realisation to come to, but I'm glad you have realised what actually happened to you. All the best in moving forward, and please use all the support available. Thinking of you thanks

MyEmpireOfDirt Wed 19-Nov-14 16:43:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Florriesdragon Wed 19-Nov-14 17:26:07

My own rape was scarily similar to the ched evans case. I was at a house party with friends and very drunk, and three other men came in while i was having sex with their friend. Luckily I only have flashes of memory of it.

Only DH and mn are aware of it, i cant share it with people i know. The reaction to the ched evans case has cemented that i can never tell anyone. A female friend was there, and i told her it was consensual, it was easier. Every time i see that a local man has been prosecuted for rape, i check if it is one of them. I am so paranoid that there have been other women raped by them since, even though i know it is not my fault.

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