to never see my parents again

[photographerlady]

AIBU to stop all visits to and from my parents since we just do not seem to get on? Its a long story and they both struggle with substance abuse like alcohol and sedatives but the behavior of my mother makes me feel like its so hard to ever want to see them again.

My parents live about a eight hour flight away and last year I visited them for a couple of months with my DD (first grand child). I find it hard to be around my mother who as my DH describes it as "reverting back to a teenager". Every few days she gets upset about something and won't talk to anyone for a day or so. Sometimes a week. So I find myself at their house sitting in silence. My parents still have huge screaming arguments just like when I was growing up. I am out pushing the buggy as they get quite heated and the police are even called on occasion. My DD is under 2 so I try and keep her from it.

Recently my mother has come to visit and about four days in we hit the first upset and she will spend days on the sofa watching the tv and she won't speak to DH, DD and I. Last month I have just wanted to avoid coming home every day. It them blows over but once again another door slamming/shouting the house down at us and blanking us. The strops end in her on the phone loudly shouting to my father/friends of hers and even if I apologize (topics to get her to ignore us for days have been things like: no hot water, hairdryer stopped working, asked her if we can turn the tv off during dinner) she still sits on the sofa and won't speak to me.

I feel like I am constantly battling with wanting them to have a relationship with DD but then when I am around them more than a few days it always ends in my mother getting upset and we have to avoid the downstairs til it blows over in a few days and my father just sits in silence as he doesn't want to get involved (as it will end in them knocking a whole in my wall while fighting about it). I am starting to feel like either I need to only stay in a hotel when visiting them or stop seeing them.

[Lottapianos]

No, you are not unreasonable at all. Its bloody exhausting humouring people like this and trying to keep a relationship going single handedly. There's no shame at all in admitting that you have just had enough.

And what sort of relationship would your DD have with a grandparent who acts like a child herself?

[photographerlady]

lotta DD is 16 months so she doesn't notice and when I am at work my DH says that when he offers for my mother to go to playgroup with them she sometimes accepts. When I am there though she blanks DD and I even if DD is trying to climb the sofa to sit next to her.

My mother didn't get on with her mother and I remember that my mother would ignore my grandmother when visiting (possibly they ignored each other but I was so young when my grandmother passed away I am not sure).

I want my DD to have a relationship with her grandparents but I don't want my DD to hear all the fights between my parents, the coldness my mother can give people when she wants to and my mother badmouthing me to my DD... all the stuff my parents did to me growing up and with these 2 major visits and the 2 times we visited only for a week it seems to fall in the same behavior and pattern.

[MonstrousRatbag]

I'm sorry your parents have been so lacking.

Run a mile. It sounds hideous. It must have damaged you and it will damage your DD. Please don't let your DD grow up thinking it is ok to be treated like this, it really isn't.

[makeitabetterplace]

I've stopped seeing my mum and the relief is ENORMOUS. I thought I'd just stop seeing her but in the end I had to tell her it was my decision to never see her again, she just never replied. I expect she's waiting for me to miss her (not going to happen). I heartily recommend it!

[MrsKoala]

What kind of twat blanks a baby?

YANBU

I would laugh in her face and tell her how ridiculously she was behaving. I would also say 'you have 30 mins to snap out of your childish behaviour before i ask you to leave my house'. Then kick her out with the address of a local hotel. Who gives people the silent treatment in their own home over such trivial issues? Nobheads, that's who.

[Purplepixiedust]

The situation must be made a hundred times worse because of the distance, extended visits and staying in the same house.

Not sure you have to cut them out all together but reduce visits to a few days and if you can stay in a hotel.

It must be very stressful.

[grumpyoldgitagain]

If you do let them visit again make it clear if they start behaving like twats that they will be packed and kicked out towards a hotel regardless of what time of day or night it is as you don't want there unreasonable behaviour being picked up by your daughter

Your house your rules

If they don't like it then they don't come

[Hatespiders]

Oh please ditch them completely. There's no need for you ever to see them again, they sound insufferable. Your mother sounds narcissistic and attention-seeking in the extreme. I too had parents like this. My sister and I dumped them years ago and never had any further contact. My sister, particularly, never wanted to expose her two little girls to this sort of behaviour from their grandparents, so they never saw them.
Once you've cut them off for good, you'll feel a huge sense of relief.

[Lottapianos]

OP, it would be lovely for your DD to have a relationship with loving devoted grandparents. However your parents are not able to offer this. I know that this hurts terribly and its not bloody fair. But both you and her need protecting from this highly dysfunctional behaviour.

You owe these people absolutely nothing. You do owe yourself and DD some peace and happiness though. You both deserve it

[Canyouforgiveher]

Is she in your house right now blanking you, then I suggest you sit in front of her and tell her she needs to go home the following day as you are not tolerating that behaviour in your home.

You owe her nothing and you certainly don't have to tolerate that kind of rudeness in your own home. Don't bother visiting them either.

[SparkyLark]

The more people 'humour' people like this and their crappy behaviour, who basically have kids to abuse them lets face it, the worse everything gets.

Tell them to off, in the nicest possible way. You will know how to do it, OP.

Just my opinion.

[SparkyLark]

Another way: grow a pair of balls when relating to these **s.

[Lottapianos]

OP, please don't feel bad if its not just as simple for you as all that. This is extremely painful stuff - they are your parents and I'm sure that you desperately wish that things could be different. But please know that you are justified in not wanting to tolerate their behaviour any longer

[Yackity]

What you want is the ideal, for your DD to have a relationship with loving grandparents who care about her. What you HAVE is an obnoxious, self centred, childish woman who will do her damnest to screw your DD up. Don't let her!

By keeping her away you will protect your DD from seeing this type of behaviour as something to be tolerated.