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To be hurt by comment over not being pregnant?

(27 Posts)
cruisepool Tue 18-Nov-14 15:45:26

I have been trying for DC2 for about a year now. I am 36 and aware time may not be on my side.

My friend started trying for her DC2 around the same time, fell pregnant quite quickly and will have her baby very soon. I am truly very happy for her.

We were chatting recently and I mentioned that it still wasn't happening for us and were getting a referral to a fertility clinic. She said 'Because you never made a pregnancy announcement, I thought you had changed your mind about wanting another baby' and that was it. She never asked anything more about it and hasn't mentioned it again.

AIBU to be a little hurt by that comment and she has shown no awareness of fertility issues at all? If I knew someone was trying and never made an announcement they were pregnant, I would probably think they were having some issues and offer some support.

ElphabaTheGreen Tue 18-Nov-14 15:48:15

I think YAB a bit U. I think you may be feeling understandably sensitive about the issue, perhaps. She may be deliberately not seeking any further information from you about it because she doesn't want you to feel under more pressure.

LadyLuck10 Tue 18-Nov-14 15:48:58

Yanbu, I would assume the same. It is insensitive of her. Why would you be giving anyone updates even so.
I guess she wasn't being thoughtful, it's still not kind though.

Andcake Tue 18-Nov-14 15:49:51

It's one of those naive things people with easy fertility often say (like relax and it will happen - see another thread on that at the moment)
annoying, lacking empathy but really just shows the innocence of many people who haven't struggled to conceive - it might also be because people don't think of secondary infertility as well and think as their is one their will be another if one tries.

CoolCat2014 Tue 18-Nov-14 15:50:56

I think some people just aren't aware that some people struggle to get pregnant. I wouldn't take it too personally unless she's mean about it, though can totally understand you wanting support... I think it's just one of those topics most people don't know how to talk about.

WorraLiberty Tue 18-Nov-14 15:54:04

I don't know really, maybe she was worried that you didn't want to talk about it?

DixieNormas Tue 18-Nov-14 15:54:51

Someone very close to me is suffering with secondary infertility. Its very difficult, you dont want to upset them by bringing it up, you dont want to upset them by not mentioning it you dont know what to say.

Ive had 2 early mc and ome late one at 20 weeks, the last thing I would ask someone is how their ttc was going. Even if they mentioned they were going to try.

She probably just doesnt know what to say now

dottytablecloth Tue 18-Nov-14 15:55:40

What does she mean you never made a pregnancy announcement? You weren't pregnant! confused. Have I missed something?

Snatchoo Tue 18-Nov-14 15:56:15

YANBU to be hurt.

A close friend I would expect to ask and not make assumptions which could prove hurtful in the long run. An acquaintance, I would expect to keep quiet about it until I'd made a pregnancy announcement, or specifically said we were having problem and we're being referred.

cruisepool Tue 18-Nov-14 15:57:55

Dotty, she just presumed because I wasn't pregnant meant I didn't want a baby and had stopped/wasn't trying. Which I think is a little ignorant.

VanitasVanitatum Tue 18-Nov-14 15:58:49

I have seen threads from women who absolutely hate being asked 'so when is it happening' etc, but it does seem like she is being a bit dense assuming that because you didn't fall pregnant immediately it must have been because you didn't want to.. Hopefully she will be more sensitive now you hav set her straight.

WorraLiberty Tue 18-Nov-14 16:11:14

she just presumed because I wasn't pregnant meant I didn't want a baby and had stopped/wasn't trying. Which I think is a little ignorant.

Why is it ignorant?

I imagine some people do cancel their plans for a second child, for whatever reason.

WhereYaFrom Tue 18-Nov-14 16:27:56

^she just presumed because I wasn't pregnant meant I didn't want a baby and had stopped/wasn't trying. Which I think is a little ignorant.

Why is it ignorant?^

I suppose it could come across as ignorant, in the fact that she just presumed OP had stopped trying rather than think there could be problems?

WhereYaFrom Tue 18-Nov-14 16:29:40

Italics fail!
Anyway I think she was a little insensitive OP, but maybe she just didn't know what to say?

dorasee Tue 18-Nov-14 16:37:00

YANBU but to be honest, if my friends aren't mentioning babies, I don't probe. There are so many things to talk about and having babies is one of many things friends share. However, like you, I relate to feeling sensitive. It is a sensitive issue for sure, especially when that next baby is taking its time to show up. I had my 2nd at 38, so don't lose faith.

PizzaLegs23 Tue 18-Nov-14 17:01:11

YABU thinking 36 is a bit of a problem. It's not really.

cruisepool Tue 18-Nov-14 17:07:05

I am not a pessimist pizzalegs but all the evidence does indicate fertility rates decline the older you get and IVF success rates, in my area anyway, are certainly significantly less in the 37 - 39 age bracket, than the 34 - 36 bracket.

Legohair Tue 18-Nov-14 17:16:01

YANBU in the least, OP. Your friend may not have struggled to conceive herself, but you'd have to be pretty dense to be completely unaware of media coverage of fertility issues, especially in relation to older mothers, IVF etc etc, and also to assume someone you knew wanted more children didn't get pregnant because she'd changed her mind.

I don't think she's unreasonable to respect your privacy by not mentioning it again, though, but her original assumptions are a bit thoughtless.

cakedcrusader Tue 18-Nov-14 17:17:21

I think yab a little u (sorry). Your friend could have handled it a little more sensitively but I imagine she didn't know what to say. It is one of those things where you can never imagine how it feels until you have been there and I bet she was worried about saying the wrong thing and making you feel even worse. There are so many threads on here from women who are having fertility problems getting upset by people asking them when they are going to have a baby or why they are not pregnant, she probably just didn't want to be one of those people!

Littlef00t Tue 18-Nov-14 17:37:24

Worra, because it didn't consider other v plausible reasons for no baby.

Bowlersarm Tue 18-Nov-14 17:43:26

Yabu. The amount of threads from people ttc on mn who hate being asked about whether they are trying, are they pregnant etc will make me never ever ask anyone again, I'm sorry to say.

cruisepool Tue 18-Nov-14 17:45:24

She is a good friend, good enough to tell her we were trying. She knew.

Adayinthelife Tue 18-Nov-14 17:50:38

YANBU - if she knew you were TTC, then her comment was very insensitive and unsupportive.

naty1 Tue 18-Nov-14 19:24:10

I think if anything your friend is just unaware of 2ndary infertility.
Over 35 does become an issue for ivf probably as numbers of eggs collected drop off.
A young woman has 50 abnormal eggs. This rises very steeply after 35 and hits 90% in 40s.

To say 36 isnt old for fertility is unhelpful as the reality is lots of people needing ivf.
I assume more people having dc1 later leads to more secondary infertility.
But not just female infertility ive seen several where secondary infertility was on the male side.
Op my Dsis has had 2 ivf dc at 37 and nearly 39 (so conceived around 37 and 38)
But yes the stats even for young people are not great around 40% per ivf cycle not great for around 5-6k.
All my friends have had natural pg at 30-35 or so.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange Tue 18-Nov-14 19:29:23

If a friend said she was ttc and within a year didn't mention it again, I to would presume she had stopped ttc.

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