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To hope one of my best friends could bring themselves to be happy about my pregnancy..

(22 Posts)
duein2015 Tue 18-Nov-14 13:02:28

I have been friends with H for 5 years and we have always been very close. We see each other often and when she was with her ex partner we regularly double dated.

She has always been a somewhat negative person, and struggles with other peoples happiness. Since she and her ex broke up she has really taken this bitter attitude up a notch.

Another friend, D has announced she is pregnant, now 20 weeks and H was nice to her face, although far from delighted for her. She went on to say to me how unhappy she is that D is pregnant and that she just can't bare that it isn't her first.

I am 8 weeks pregnant for the first time, very nervous and excited. I just have no idea how to tell H and frankly and scared that this could be the end of our friendship. What would everyone do? I don't want to a lose a friend but feel sure she will be devastated at my news...

formerbabe Tue 18-Nov-14 13:06:02

You can't do anything really except tell her. You can't hide it forever. I would find another friend though to discuss and be excited about prams/ baby clothes/names with!

TaliZorahVasNormandy Tue 18-Nov-14 13:07:12

She might be devastated, but thats down to her insecurity and jealous. Are you meant to put your life on hold for her?

redexpat Tue 18-Nov-14 13:08:03

Well first off, I would wait until the 12 week scan. SO you have time to consider your options.

Secondly, if and when you do tel her, do it face to face.

It sounds a bit odd that she wanted to be first. Does she have a competative nature in other areas of life?

60sname Tue 18-Nov-14 13:08:47

Congratulations! Well, she's going to find out one way or another...it's probably best coming from you. It's sad for her, but if she cuts herself off from you, it's her own doing. You don't need someone so negative around at this exciting time.

calculatorsatdawn Tue 18-Nov-14 13:10:32

In fairness, there's not a lot you or her can do about it.

If she doesn't like it then are you going to have the baby adopted? or are you thinking you just won't tell her and hope she doesn't notice?

oh, and congratulations btw

duein2015 Tue 18-Nov-14 13:12:41

She was with her ex from the age of 14 to 23, engaged and really truly felt she would be first. I think by nature she must be competitive. Her sister is 4 years older than her and she was heartbroken at 17 years old that she had a baby.

She has told me in the past that people she knows have had a miscarriage and that she "thinks its for the best." Based on nothing other than her own jealousy i'm certain.

I had a scan a few days ago and saw the heartbeat, all is well. Certainly will wait till 12 weeks though.

duein2015 Tue 18-Nov-14 13:14:18

Of course I wont give my baby up for adoption hmm, i'm asking how people would tell her?

Only1scoop Tue 18-Nov-14 13:14:21

She sounds pretty awful to be honest....I wouldn't give it much thought....

Congratulations

sparechange Tue 18-Nov-14 13:15:26

There is presumably more of a back story to this.

Did she get together with her now-ex before friend D got together with the father of her child? It might just be a stark reminder to her of what she has 'lost' since the end of that relationship.
Did her and her ex try and have fertility issues? Again, knowing friends are pg can amplify those feelings enormously.

Only1scoop Tue 18-Nov-14 13:16:03

"I'm pregnant just wanted to let you know"

Yes she sounds vile and will probably snipe behind your back like she did with you when your other friend announced.

Do you really care....

duein2015 Tue 18-Nov-14 13:20:14

Yes, D has been with her partner for far less time than H was with ex bf. This has always been her attitude, but been amplified by the relationship break down. She has a new boyfriend, is happy and taking steps towards the future with him.

They certainly were never ttc. Neither wanted that right now, but when someone else gets pregnant its like the world has ended.

She told me leading up to my own wedding that she can't wait to have a day like this that's "all about me"

The more I talk, the more I talk myself out of this friendship...

redexpat Tue 18-Nov-14 13:27:50

There you are - a real friend would share in your happiness and want only the best. It sounds as if she is not happy with her life, and until she is happy with her life, she wont be able to share anyone elses. This is something only she can do for herself.

CakeInMyFace Tue 18-Nov-14 13:32:24

Well, I don't know. Have you ever asked her why she feels the way she does? It can be very difficult seeing others having something that you, yourself desperately want. She may not openly admit to wanting children, but perhaps inside she does. I've been TTC my second for 2 years now and I find news of pregnancies very painful at the moment. I especially find it hard when people tell me face to face; I much prefer an email or facebook message, gives me time to come to terms with my own feelings that way.

To me it sounds like she is very unhappy and insecure, and most likely jealous. If you are as good friends as you say you are and want to keep the friendship, it might be worth talking about this openly.

Agree with sparechange there may be a backstory to her current behaviour.

wheresthelight Tue 18-Nov-14 13:33:09

as someone who has always been told they were infertile I can understand the pain felt when close friends get pregnant but I would never be anything but happy for them

however after getting pregnant out of the blue I was terrified of telling me best friend as she also had fertility issues ams had been actively trying for a number of years.

definitely tell her face to face and perhaps preface with an "I know how hard this is for you"

TaliZorahVasNormandy Tue 18-Nov-14 13:33:42

Yeah, you are having a baby, mumsnetters, being who dont know you are probably more happy for you than she will be, she certainly proved she wasnt happy with D.

Congrats by the way x

Aeroflotgirl Tue 18-Nov-14 13:35:57

Ddi she have a loss or I gather she has difficulties conceiving. Must be really hard for her. However you cannot put your life on hold, she will find out one way or another. I would tell her after the 12 week scan.

trufflesnout Tue 18-Nov-14 13:38:24

I can't tell if she's a very unhappy & misunderstood person or not.

I wouldn't preface your announcement with anything. & don't worry about her reaction, you haven't even told her yet! Just tell her after your scan and if she reacts badly then just deal with it at the time - I don't think it's something you can really prepare for beyond knowing it's a possibility that she might take it negatively tbh

duein2015 Tue 18-Nov-14 13:39:32

Thanks all. I am certain she does not want a baby yet and definitely has no diagnosed fertility conditions. I think it is about the attention that these events happening bring about, and not to her.

I'm certain that she would be mortified if anyone was to bring her up on this, or try and talk to her about it. I'm sure she doesn't realise how poorly she comes off. I may have to talk to her about it though, as I am keen to maintain the friendship. She certainly isn't all bad, she can be a very good friend.

middlings Tue 18-Nov-14 13:43:12

wheresthelight summed it up. DD1 was three years and a bunch of fertility treatment in the making. I remember twice having a bad reaction to the birth of friends' children. I was informed of both by text - and got over it in five minutes and then celebrated with them.

When the second of them had very kindly, and very nervously, rung me to tell me she was pregnant, I told her not to be silly, how delighted I was for her, etc., etc. I then rang a mutual friend and BAWLED about how unfair it all was. At the end of a ten minute rant my friend said "We done?" to which I sniffed "Yes." she then said, I was entirely within my rights, well done for getting it off my chest, and now please go off and be delighted. I did, and genuinely was.

You can never begrudge anyone their luck, it reflects back badly on you. If she has a problem with it, it's hers to deal with and she's not being fair on you.

Best of luck - exciting times! grin

SignoraStronza Tue 18-Nov-14 13:50:16

Just don't tell her - wait until she notices. If she gets upset that you hadn't told her before, cite her negative opinion of your mutual friend's pg as a reason for not informing her earlier.
My own mother figured it out when I was 20 weeks. She'd done a 'for the best' speech about my previous mc and questioned why we would want a third dc so I just didn't let her get involved. If she has any sense she'll understand why you've been so guarded.

Aeroflotgirl Tue 18-Nov-14 14:40:47

Oh and congratulations by the way flowers

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