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AIBU - random row with DH

(22 Posts)
whattheheckisgoingon Sat 15-Nov-14 00:39:14

Hello. First time poster here!

I've just had a strange row with my DH and hope you can help!

So I was talking to DH this evening about the Ched Evans case and the question over this guy getting his old job back at the football club.

I said that if someone under my employment (I run a small business) was convicted of rape, I would not re-employ them after they had served their time.

DH says IABVU and that once someone has 'done their time' that the slate is effectively wiped clean.

I've just marched up to bed - accusing DH of being creepy and weird - and told him to sleep on the sofa! Not sure why I am so annoyed but I'm quite surprised by his POV.

Sorry if this is a bit random / controversial. Sounds a bit silly now in writing.

But AIBU? Would you?

VanitasVanitatum Sat 15-Nov-14 00:41:56

YAabitU to make him sleep on the sofa for a different PoV to you, though I can see why it's such an emotive subject.

MQv2 Sat 15-Nov-14 00:46:56

Well yes of course your unreasonable.
Not in your argument, your free to hold whatever view you wish.
But in what world is it acceptable to say to a spouse "you disagree with me so here's your punishment that I've unilaterally decided is acceptable"

Fair enough if you don't want to share a bed with him because of his views, that's up to you. So you sleep somewhere else.

SusanIvanova Sat 15-Nov-14 00:48:36

Would he be comfortable for a person with child abuse convictions to work with kids again? Because they've served their time too. hmm

itiswhatitiswhatitis Sat 15-Nov-14 00:50:26

Well I agree with your opinion but if my DH told me my punishment for disagreeing with him was I had to sleep on the sofa I'd tell him to fuck off. If you don't want to be around him you should sleep on the sofa.

SocksRock Sat 15-Nov-14 00:55:11

I had this EXACT same row with my DH this morning. Am really upset about how to get my point across

AgentZigzag Sat 15-Nov-14 00:56:28

What he said is a bit of a sweeping statement with plenty of egs of times where he wouldn't want to work with an offender just because they'd served their allotted time in prison.

So I can only think he's just arguing the toss for the sake of it.

Well, I hope for your sake he is, otherwise you've just found out that he's the type of bloke who makes excuses for men who need reminding not to rape anyone when they're out on the lash.

losthermind Sat 15-Nov-14 00:57:18

Everyone is entitled to an individual opinion, just because his is wrong in you eyes, and mine for that matter, doesn't mean you have the right to be a bitch and banish him to the couch, you should apologise for the way you have reacted

AgentZigzag Sat 15-Nov-14 01:05:08

DH wouldn't be the bloke I think he is if I found out that he was a fucking rape apologist losthtermind.

And I'd do more than just banish him to the settee.

whattheheckisgoingon Sat 15-Nov-14 01:05:52

Thanks ladies appreciate that. Hmmm, sleeping on the sofa thing a bit OTT then ... heavily pregnant and have totally lost my sense of perspective, thanks for finding it for me.

losthermind Sat 15-Nov-14 01:18:03

Well I am allowed my individual opinion
I wouldnt have handled it in such a manor
Try and educate dipshit DP as to why his opinion is wrong before going bat shit

Canyouforgiveher Sat 15-Nov-14 01:21:40

I would find his opinion stupid, illogical and nasty and I would be very angry with him. I also think it highly unlikely he would apply the slate wiped clean concept to any other crime (child abuse/thieving etc). Rape (which I suspect many men actually see as "rape") is always different. It would have made me just as mad as you were.

I've had some awful arguments with dh about some political stuff (invasion of Iraq was not a good time for us). only difference was I would flounce off and sleep on the sofa not make him (but I wasn't pregnant then)

I wouldn't be arsed apologising for getting angry at such an offensive opinion.

So he'd be happy if you hired a man who spent 20 years in prison for violent rape and would wave you off merrily every morning to spend time alone with the violent rapist in your office? Because the slate is wiped clean. Extraordinary.

emotionsecho Sat 15-Nov-14 01:27:45

This "he's served his time" argument is really pissing me off, he wouldn't be re employed by the same employer if he was in any other job or profession. As other posters have said does this also apply to every other criminal and offence or is it just him? He hasn't actually served his time, he is out of jail but surely on parole until the full sentence has concluded.

Mmmfishandchips Sat 15-Nov-14 01:31:46

Well I do think ex convicts should be rehabilated and given the means to earn an honest living, if they are not given that opportunity to earn a decent wage then the chance of them returning to crime is greatly increased.
However, Ched Evans has not shown any remorse and has continued to facilitate the persecution of his victim and any woman who has voiced an opinion, He hasnt asked people to not persecute jennifer Ennis for example.
So in general as society we must do our best to allow ex offenders to find a useful place in society, but specifically to Ched Evan convicted rapist until he comes to terms with his offence and admits his guilt he is unlikely to be able to rehabiltated.

MQv2 Sat 15-Nov-14 01:46:45

I think there's two "he's served his time" (for want of a better term) arguments running side by side in the public debate.
I couldn't disagree more with the op's husband in saying an employer would be unreasonable to not rehire a convicted rapist. There's no way in hell I'd rehire him and I'd think less of any business that would.

But I also think there are people who are saying he has the right to seek employment as a footballer they'd just hope that no club would be willing to take him on.
So they disagree the argument that there should be any legal block or official ban but still agree that his crime and subsequent actions are so vile that the clubs should also exercise their right to say "we don't want a rapist at our club" which would be the same for many jobs.

As you rightly say most people with this conviction (bar protected prifessionals etc)would have the right to seek employment in their old job or chosen field, the employers would also have the right to not touch them with a barge pole.

MQv2 Sat 15-Nov-14 01:49:31

So (sorry to double post) he's done his time and he can legally seek any job he wants which his conviction doesn't proclude him from holding, and the employers in those jobs should tell him to go and jump

WellnowImFucked Sat 15-Nov-14 02:38:05

Ok, as emotion said above he hasn't 'served his time' he's out on licence.

Sadly at the minute legally there's nothing to stop any employer giving him a job, morally however. . . .

And honestly if I was an employee and you hired him I'd be asking what you're going to do to ensure my safety. In particular for me is the fact although he convicted himself with his own words he still believes he did nothing wrong, he appears to believe that being incapable of saying no means that you're saying yes please violate me.

I'd refuse to ever work alone with him, travel alone with him, and if that affected my job adversely I'd go straight for a case of you creating a hostile work environment.

As for the 'wiping the slate clean' in this case BIG FAT SMELLY BULLSHIT.

There are some cases (not usually rape/sexual violence/ violence cases/ child abuse) where if they show contrition, show that they know they did something wrong and actively work to prove they've changed, yeap I'll support them.

In this case as far as he's concerned he's done nothing wrong, he still thinks that he has the right to stick his dick in a woman without her active consent. That his right to sex is more important than a woman's right to not be violated.

I know his apologists are saying he can't comment because of his request to be allow to appeal, but him condemning the bullying/ attempted muck racking of the woman involved wouldn't harm him in the slightest legally. And his lack of it just goes further to prove his despicable attitude towards women. And IMO means he is at a massive risk of reoffending (not risk to him, risk to the women around him).

It maybe that your husband is a fucking arse that sees rape as being the fault of the woman, the whole short skirt/ asking for it / it was a hotel so it wasn't rape rape. If that's the case, I'm sorry the chances of him changing are slim, he'll always be an arse.

If it's a case that

No, actually, I'm trying to do Devils advocate here and I really can't, so yes like all of us he's allowed/entitled to his own opinion.

In the same way you're entitled to think/say that his opinion makes him a fuckhead.

Albertatata Sat 15-Nov-14 02:52:59

I think the aim ofour criminal penal system should be to rehabilitate offenders, I think when people have completed their prison sentence they should theoretical not be put at a disadvantage because they have completed there punishment. Obviously this doesn't happen in the real world though and that is a shame.

Albertatata Sat 15-Nov-14 02:55:19

Ps I think some of the comments on here about your husband being a rape apologist etc are unfair,inflammatory & unhelpful. Don't make him sleep on the sofa just because he has a different viewpoint

SurfsUp1 Sat 15-Nov-14 03:43:05

The fact that some arbitrary, administrative line in the sand has been crossed (time served) does not mean that someone's slate is wiped clean in any way other than legally.

Some acts are unforgivable. This was not stealing a handbag.

FastWindow Sat 15-Nov-14 03:49:45

I'm not sure you can say the guy has served his time for something like rape. You are either capable of rape or you aren't. He is, and was convicted.

The question is, can you be rehabilitated? Or are you the type of lowlife scum who always had it in him... And who may likely reoffend given the same circumstances.

I'm sorry but I feel that the offence of rape is a dealbreaker. Not one you can atone for.

KnackeredMuchly Sat 15-Nov-14 04:01:13

They don't get the slate wiped clean. He has to declare it forever. It's not a case of only knowing because he's famous - his slate is permanently scarred.

If he was a theif he'd have to declare it for X years, and then his slate is clean.

No sex offender can ever have the right to have a clean slate again - that's the punishment for the crime. If it wasn't the case it might be marginally easier to convict someone.

As it is, to be found a rapist in court - the world if employment owes you nothing.

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