Short version of a very long story, DH has addiction issues. For most of our relationship these have been under control. 3 years ago something happened and he fell off the wagon very badly, doing well again now, but highlighted something has to change and he has finally been given a place in rehab to learn how to resolve his underlying issues and generally deal with life. He, hopefully, goes away this week, which will be hard for all of us, but better now lowering the risk of him relapsing when dc are no longer young enough to be unaware.
DH and MIL's relationship has always been shaped by his past. He doesnt like to say no to anything she asks as he feels very guilty about the problems and hurt he's caused her and "just wants her to be happy". She likes to look after him and spoil him to the point that before we got married I sat them down and said no more lending / borrowing / giving of money, I only want to marry someone who can stand on their own 2 feet. She seemed to get it, he didn't, but they both promised and for several years, I believe they stuck to it. Also babies him when she visits and is very good at smiling, nodding and agreeing when I ask her to help me out by not doing something and explaining why, then carrying on. On the rare occasion DH asks her not to do something she's been dismissive and refuses.
Then when he fell off the wagon the borrowing / lending / giving spending money started again. For most of the time he was off the wagon I concentrated on our dc, detached emotionally and just offered support when he asked for it and otherwise left him to sort his issues.
Now around 6 weeks ago she rang me very upset, he'd spent all his (our) money and asked her to help him out with bus fare, she rang me to say she'd said no because he'd already taken money from her and she couldnt afford her rent, etc, etc.... Now I did know he'd asked her for money to pay debts he'd run up whilst off the rails because he'd told me - my reply being that I wasnt happy about it, they'd both promised no more, it wasnt fair on her, but that I was pleased he'd been honest despite knowing that I wouldnt be happy.
Not sure she got the reaction she expected from me. I explained that I think she's lovely and care about her, but that I wasnt going to get involved, it was between her and him, I'd asked them both not to and it had caused massive arguments between us when it carried on until I decided that it was between them and not to get involved. That I'm not happy with him about it and he knows it, but asked her again to stop as it really doesnt help, it reaffirms in his head that he's incapable as mummy had to help out, makes him less careful with money as he never has to grasp the concept that when it's gone it's gone, because it isnt, encourages him to lie to me instead of fessing up when he's messed up because he has an easy way out which then leads to self loathing on his part and he detaches, etc, etc. Also suggested she get counselling to help her deal with stuff, become stronger and detach a little, because he's a grown up who is responsible for his own actions and successes / failures in life and it's not fair on her to take on any of that responsibility.
Since then she's voluntarily spent I'd guess well over £200 on him ??????????? He'd asked if I'd be happy with him buying a cheap music player for when he goes away as he won't have his phone or other entertainment and thought it would make a big difference having music to listen to when struggling with being away, facing issues, etc. He'd seen one second hand for £10 - actually pretty proud of him at the time, usually he wants the most expensive / best and is financially feckless and impulsive (one of his issues he's going away to work on). Said so long as he worked hard on being better with money for the 2 weeks prior I'd be happy with that, he beamed. Then he mentioned to his Mum that he was going to get one and she's bought him a brand new one, plus a game as an early Christmas present, plus a phone (that he can't take with him and is on a contract that we cant afford that he signed up for whilst they were in the shop together looking for a phone for her and options for a one for him "when we could afford it") and some clothes to take with him whilst away.....
Clothes convo with me:
DH I'm a bit worried I don't have enough comfortable clothes for when I'm away
Me Well why don't you go through them and see what you have, pack nice and early and I'm sure you have more than you think. Happy to go though them with you when you've had a look. Of course we'd all like new clothes, but can't afford it at the moment and pretty sure you have enough.
DH Oh, okay, thanks
Clothes convo with him Mum:
MIL Are you ready for going away?
DH Yeah, I'm just a bit worried I don't have enough clothes
MIL Why what do you need?
DH Well I'd like....
subject changes, she buys them.
Been raging for the last couple of weeks that we're all suffering financially because of his relapse / financial fecklessness, yet he's the only one not facing the consequences because a) MIL's spoiling him and b) she's bought him a game (for no real reason / occasion) to bury himself in and avoid real life. Yet trying not to say anything to either of them because he is about to take a massive step to sort his issues and don't want a huge row a few days before. Also that he didn't say "you know what Mum, kind though it is of you to want to spend all that money on me DW is in the shit financially because of me so it would rub her nose in it ?"
So then I get really dropped in it financially, by him, and, first time ever he takes responsibility for it and asks his Mum to help me out - didnt know he'd asked or she'd said yes until after he'd sorted if for me, feel like a fraud, double standards etc, but very kind of her.
Then later they have another chat on the phone and later that night I ask him what's wrong as hes been detached and out of character and I'm actually worried he might have had a minor relapsed and be beating himself up instead of fessing up. He says he had an upsetting convo with his Mum, she said she wishes she was dead because she's already been worried sick about money before helping me.
I know that I have a DH problem and my rage is displaced, I know I should be thanking her from the bottom of my heart for helping me out, BUT he does so much better with money and everything in life and surprises himself with his achievements when she butts out.
Today's our last family day before he goes away and he sprung it on me last night that she's invited us over. Said he's sorry, should have checked with me first, agrees we don't get much time together and our relationship could do with some quality time before he goes, but she put him on the spot and he didn't like to say no, but we don't have to go if I don't want to. Going to have to go now he's said yes as she'll really be looking forward to it, but am part grateful to her, still raging at them both and feeling cheated out of the chance of one last fun day for our little family before he goes away
Sorry, that was long, iabvu arent i?
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AIBU?
AIBU to be annoyed with MIL and how do I deal with it!
22 replies
turnaroundbrighteyes · 26/10/2014 14:03
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