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to feel very unhappy and unsettled about my dad wanting to take Dd out on Sat?

(39 Posts)
VulvaVoom Wed 25-Jun-14 21:24:11

feel a bit sick. on phone, will try not to drip feed, excuse typos etc. very long story short, i gateway OK ish relationship with my dad. he's with a woman i don't see after he left my mum for her and she sent my mum abusive texts, made silent calls etc. its been 6 years but i just see dad on his own. he's seen Dd around 5 - 6 times since she was born but always texts to ask how she is. Ive recently moved back to where Im from and where he lives, he popped round last week (after i asked if he could do some paid handy man jobs for us) and he knelt down and said to Dd, would you like to come out with grampy soon? she is six around him and doesn't really know him buckle, so i was a bit shock. there's also the added complication about his partner - i wasn't invited to their wedding last year and even though Id told my dad i disliked her when it all happened, i was still surprised. mind you i wouldn't have gone. anyway, i digress. forward to today and i get a text asking if he can take her to a Bbq on Sat. to be honest Im a bit astounded. he doesn't know her well at all and wants to take her somewhere around people i don't know. it's all a bit weird. its not happening but now i feel really anxious about telling him and giving my reasons. i want to say over my dead body really but want to be nicer about it! his wife is really not nice, Im worried she's putting the pressure on about his rights to access or something? i know Ive already said this but Dd doesn't know him well at all, so AIBU? thanks for reading.

VulvaVoom Wed 25-Jun-14 21:25:48

so many weird typos there, sorry grin

VulvaVoom Wed 25-Jun-14 21:26:30

sorry, should say Dd is 20 months

harriet247 Wed 25-Jun-14 21:27:21

Yanbu. Similar thing goi g on in my house atm! I say always always go with your gut instinct.

CheeryName Wed 25-Jun-14 21:28:33

Say no, she's not good with people she doesn't know too well. You don't have to add 'especially fuckwits like your wife'... But you could if he presses...

Icimoi Wed 25-Jun-14 21:29:50

Don't worry about rights to access, basically he doesn't have any.

cees Wed 25-Jun-14 21:30:05


If he wants to show her off then her mother should be invited to, she is to young and as you say doesn't know him much. It would be a big fat no from me.

No need to lie and make up excuses just tell him you are not comfortable with that and leave it.

TeeBee Wed 25-Jun-14 21:30:10

Just say you've already got plans (forever).

Mrsjayy Wed 25-Jun-14 21:31:08

Just say wr could go out together for a while so she knows you

BiscuitMillionaire Wed 25-Jun-14 21:31:41

20 months? She's still just a baby. Tell him that it will take her a while to get used to spending time with him, and the first time it would be better to just go to the park or something - that's if you're OK with that.

YANBU to not want him to take her to a BBQ, where presumably lots of people will be drinking, including him.

Don't let him pressure you into something you're not comfortable with, you're in charge of your DD, you decide what's OK.

thequieterone Wed 25-Jun-14 21:32:50

I think don't let your dd go if you are not happy with it. Why don't you just say you have plans. Dd is vey young to go off to a BBQ , if she doesn't know them that well. Good luck .

Chottie Wed 25-Jun-14 21:33:24

Say no - follow your instincts. Don't be bullied into something you are uncomfortable with.

financialwizard Wed 25-Jun-14 21:34:13

'Sorry Dad but I think DD would be better getting to know you more before going to any gathering with lots of strangers yourweirdwife '

KirjavaTheCat Wed 25-Jun-14 21:35:51

You could say she won't be going without you as she doesn't do well with strangers, and see how fast he backtracks rather than extending his invitation.

Sounds like he's keeping you at arm's length either at the behest of his wife or to avoid causing issues in his marriage. You're his daughter and either reason is unacceptable.

Bedsheets4knickers Wed 25-Jun-14 21:36:51

I would say no

VulvaVoom Wed 25-Jun-14 21:38:47

fortunately we do have plans, Im worried for all the next times sad we don't have a very open relationship and the wife isn't really mentioned. Im dreading a discussion about it tbh. the oddest part for me is that he feels its appropriate. she hid behind me at the start when we saw him last.

PersonOfInterest Wed 25-Jun-14 21:39:48

"No, she doesn't know you well enough to go off with you for a day"


Don't be drawn into a debate just repeat as necessary.

brdgrl Wed 25-Jun-14 21:40:30

Just say no. And keep saying it. You aren't obliged to send her on solo outings with him for any reason.

VulvaVoom Wed 25-Jun-14 21:40:31

Kirjava, your 2nd paragraph is spot on.

PersonOfInterest Wed 25-Jun-14 21:40:45

Why are you worried? Just say "No".

fluffyraggies Wed 25-Jun-14 21:41:20

Absolutely no need to worry about saying no to this OP. Back story or not.

Your DD doesn't know him well enough for him to be taking her off without you. It's quite simple. Keep it simple for now. Don't let all the other issues cloud your mind.

She's very young, he's a virtual stranger to her, and a BBQ is not the best place for a 20 month old anyway unless surrounded by people they know and love. Smelly, noisy, crowded and probably boozy.

DoJo Wed 25-Jun-14 21:42:14

It doesn't matter what his wife is saying - he has no right to see her and there is no reason for him to spend time with her on his own if it doesn't sit right with you. It sounds like he is seeing his friends and wants to 'show off' his grand daughter, but you have to act in her best interests, not pander to his desire to impress his friends with his granddaughter.

ExcuseTypos Wed 25-Jun-14 21:52:06

Do not worry about saying no to him. Just say she's far too youngto be going off for the day. Maybe when she's 19 a bit older, he can take her out.

She's YOUR dd and you don't need to worry about doing way is right for her.

MrsRuffdiamond Wed 25-Jun-14 22:06:31

Who would be doing the nitty-gritty looking after of your dd - nappy changing, making sure she has appropriate food to eat etc., if he had her for the day?

VulvaVoom Wed 25-Jun-14 22:24:34

that's what Im worried about Mrs, don't want his cow of a wife doing it, that's for sure. don't even think he's thought about it hmm

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