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AIBU?

to ask DH to take DC out for a whole day so I can work?

16 replies

cottonwoolmum · 13/04/2014 18:18

DH and I both work from home. Twice this holiday I have taken DC out for a whole day so he can get on with his work in peace and quiet. And I've also taken them out and about for short bursts of time. He's taken them out for a couple of hours, but is refusing point blank to give me a whole day. He even seems to be vetoing one.

We're going to visit a relative (on DH's side of the family) tomorrow. We adore this relative and love visiting him and he's been ill recently, so I sort of understand DH insisting I come too, but in the past he's let me stay home and work. I thought I had a clear day on Thursday to catch up but now he's trying to get me to come along. He just says, 'it's hard.' I walked off in a huff and said, 'I've managed it twice.' (How hard is it to take two tweens on an outing? { Very petty I know, and Dc are old enough to amuse themselves, but I get so much more work done when there's a clear run of a few silent hours and no one coming in to my home office to show me apps they've discovered on their phones, or squabbling outside the door.

OP posts:

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StandsOnGoldenSands · 13/04/2014 18:24

No, you are not.And don't say 'let' - he doesn't get to give you permission! Just say no. What's he going to do, carry you to the car?!

sunshinysummer · 13/04/2014 18:28

Is he giving you a reason for not making it fair and giving you a full day to work? I don't see what his 'defence' could be? it's just being fair.

ICanSeeTheSun · 13/04/2014 18:32

I think that once the office door is closed the Tweens shouldn't be coming into the office.

slightlyglitterstained · 13/04/2014 18:33

YANBU, but how you got there and how you fix it is another thing.

What do you normally do during holidays, and did you discuss your expectations for this one? Was he expecting the quiet days, or has he framed it in his mind as something you wanted to do for yourself, rather than a favour to him? Does he normally expect you to do the majority of the parenting work, or is it a bit more equitably shared? If you normally do share, and he wasn't expecting to have to take the kids out for a couple of days, he might be feeling aggrieved that you're expecting him to reciprocate on something he didn't ask for in the first place. Or he might be taking you for granted. Can't really tell from your OP.

Do you have to do your work at home? Given that you both work at home, can you just stick laptop in bag and announce you're heading off to the library/coffee shop/somewhere quiet for a few hours?

Feel some sympathy as DP and I have been having the "I need to do some work" discussion recently - it's easy for it to get fraught and blamey when deadlines are coming up, harder to step back and make a fairer arrangement. And now I need to get off MN and make the most of my quiet time to work.

FunkyBoldRibena · 13/04/2014 18:36

Dear husband. Twice I have taken them out and let you have a day to catch up on work. So twice, I expect you to do the same Let me know when those two days will be by the end of today. Ta.

Littleturkish · 13/04/2014 18:45

He refuses to on the grounds that it is hard??

Well he clearly needs to work on getting better at it.

Honestly, if you dropped down dead, what would he do? Give away his own children?

Lilaclily · 13/04/2014 18:47

get him to fork out for holiday club / childcare so you can work

DoJo · 13/04/2014 20:12

I don't even understand how this has arisen - surely you both know that the other works from home? And that quiet time is important to getting that work done? In which case how is he 'refusing' or 'vetoing' taking his fair share of the childcare in order to allow you to work? What reasons has ha given (other than 'it's hard' which is not a reason so much as an excuse?

DoJo · 13/04/2014 20:12

I don't even understand how this has arisen - surely you both know that the other works from home? And that quiet time is important to getting that work done? In which case how is he 'refusing' or 'vetoing' taking his fair share of the childcare in order to allow you to work? What reasons has ha given (other than 'it's hard' which is not a reason so much as an excuse?

cottonwoolmum · 13/04/2014 22:45

DoJo, I don't really know. He's never been this pita before.

Funky, that's exactly what I've said on several occasions, but he's just ignored it all last week and next week is filling up with stuff to do and he just keeps making excuses.

Think I'll have to just leave the house and work in a café. Not ideal, as I drink tea and coffee all day long which will cost a small fortune in a caff and I don't like being ousted from my space just because he can't be arsed to do a whole day outing.

Thanks for support.

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BIWI · 13/04/2014 22:49

It sounds to me like you have to instigate some much more formal planning for childcare arrangements during the holidays.

Is he assuming that it's a holiday, so you won't be doing any work?

You need to be absolutely clear about both of your commitments not only during term time but also during holiday time.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 13/04/2014 23:01

Does your DH see your work as being equal to his in general, do you think? It sounds to me like he is viewing his work as essential & necessary but yours as entirely optional .

Pre-teens are pretty easy to take for a day out IME. It depends on where you live as to what is available, but I've managed to fill several hours with bowling, cinema & a cheap tea before now. Or a picnic in the countryside accompanied with a walk or bike ride. A theme park maybe, if the budget allows. It really shouldn't be that difficult for him to spend a day out with his own children.

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 13/04/2014 23:03

I work from home and my oh is very supportive. I think in your position I'd tell him that you are disappointed that you have taken the kids out twice and he won't do a fair share. I'd tell him you won't be doing it again without a reciprocal deal. I'd go to the library every morning and lock yourself away for a few hours each afternoon.

If I didn't get my work done I wouldn't be allowed to do it anymore and that would be a disaster. I worked from home when self employed and it was relentless, very long hours.

Sort a plan put for half term before it happens with him taking the first shift.

NoodleOodle · 13/04/2014 23:05

Library rather than cafe?

cottonwoolmum · 13/04/2014 23:18

We've always been very fair before. Don't know why he's being such a pain this time round. I'll ask him. I do tend to be the one who plans stuff with DC before holidays start and the one who has to nudge him to organise day trips, but he usually agrees to them. he's done them hundreds of times before. No idea why they are now so difficult for him.

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SolidGoldBrass · 13/04/2014 23:19

What's happened in previous school holidays? Or is both of you working from home a recent development?
It certainly sounds like he's being a cock, but if he's previously been reasonable then there's something behind his current attitude -is he more than usually overloaded with work, or threatened with redundancy or something?

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