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AIBU to feel a bit sad at friendship

(4 Posts)
crispsanddips Sat 29-Mar-14 15:43:08

Hey there, just need some perspective. Will try to keep this brief.

I worked with someone for 2 years, we started at the same time so quickly became good friends as we bonded over being 'new' and then were both giving more responsibility etc, we would socialise outside of work a lot with our other workmates and just us two as well.

Two years ago, I moved to Australia.

Since then any conversation we've had has been by my initiation. I sent christmas cards and postcards and things like that, just so we would stay in contact. She never sent anything back but that is ok. I messaged her online and she would reply but would never start the conversation herself.

Anyway, last year a close family member was dying and I flew back to the UK to say my goodbye. I made sure I had one day to see friends, and we met as a large group which was really nice.

My close family member passed away. I messaged my friend a bit afterwards just saying what I was doing back in Aus and how he had died. She said she had heard he had died but didn't want to bother me at the time by sending me a message because 'I didn't want to interfere'. Kinda made me feel a bit forgotten but oh well, never mind.

Shortly afterwards, my 4 year relationship came to an end. Again, in one of my 'catch up' messages I told her this and she messaged back and said she was shocked etc, but nothing more.

She isn't great in keeping in contact. That is fine. I can accept that but then this morning I wake up to a message saying "Hey! How are you? How is Aus? You might've seen on FB I'm doing this run and i need sponsorship". . .etc sends me a link to send her money.

I probably will sponsor her cos she is doing it for charity and all but AIBU in wanting to tear my hair out that she only seems to want to message me when it benefits her? I probably am being U and I can accept that, just can't help feeling sad that we were good friends and now. . .blehh.


cankles Sat 29-Mar-14 15:58:27

could you ask her? could you msg her and say that you were surprised by her contact as she hasn't initiated any contact since you emigrated and that you are disappointed that she only contacted you because she is looking for sponsorship; that you will sponsor her of course but wondered had she noticed how infrequent her contact with you was? She may not have noticed.

there are some friends that I have if they hadn't initiated the contact and been persistent we may not have been able to sustain our friendship. Not because I don't care about them but life events got in the way and I needed them to keep things going and I am so grateful for that.

Of course, the other thing is we all change as we get older and friendships evolve or not as the case may be here. You have nothing to lose by asking her, it will stop that feeling of not knowing or understanding why this is happening (possibly). You may annoy her of course but it sounds like the friendship may not be sustained if something doesn't change.

Good luck!

FeelingSoLucky Sat 29-Mar-14 17:40:24

I can understand why you feel the way you do, it's not nice when you feel as though you're the one who puts all of the effort into a friendship. To be honest though, you've been in Aus as long as you worked together and if you're not planning on moving back, is there really any point in wasting any more time worrying about this particular friendship? Life is too short to waste time on people who don't invest as much into friendships as you do. Still drop her a line every now and again if you really feel you need to but if I were in your position, I'd just move on and look at forging closer friendships with people you've met in Aus and who you can see on a regular basis.

She'll soon be in touch when she wants a cheap holiday in Australia! smile

FeelingSoLucky Sat 29-Mar-14 17:45:13

P.S I say this as someone who has spent a lot of time feeling frustrated and sad about the lack of effort from my 'best' friend of 20 years who sounds very similar to your friend. I've come to realise friendship is a two way street and if you get nothing out of a particular friendship, it's time to move on and invest in those who are interested.

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