A bit of a weird and introspective aibu - I have never experienced jealousy over boyfriends or husbands (on my 2nd) and sometimes wonder if I'm abnormal as I can't imagine getting worked up over a purely sexual fling by a partner/husband.
To my knowledge I've never been cheated on or had any reason to be suspicious, and the relationships that didn't last broke up for other reasons. I too have never had an affair.
A bit tmi, but my dh and I did some swinging after a year of getting together because we were both curious and while we don't do it anymore because of a relocation, we still chat fondly about some of the racy things we experienced and both of us are comfortable with what we did. If a good opportunity afforded itself, I think we would be open to it again, but are certainly not looking; our only mixed doubles is on the tennis court
I never check up on him when he's away on business or out to dinner with work friends, and while I have the password to his phone and he leaves it around openly, I have never checked his history or texts. I don't have a password on my phone but I don't think he's ever looked at it. When we're out, I never worry if he talks / flirts with other females, and we often have lighthearted chats about who we would choose to 'do' at a particular function in the post mortem of an evening.
I'm not saying I would like it if he had an affair as I think we would lose our closeness and something of our rapport if there was long term lying, and that is what would upset me, not the thought of him being with another woman as I've seen that in person and it never bothered me.
We've only been together for 6 years, so who knows what will happen in the future, but we each have plenty of space for our own interests and I probably go out with friends more than he does. I arrange most of our socialising, and we both indulge in risque talk and light flirting with friends. What I'm saying is that if we wanted to, we would both have plenty of opportunity for an affair but neither of us worries.
I have a friend whose husband is always checking up on her, and a few of my friends are always checking up on their husbands, or getting cross because they haven't had a text by a particular time. This seems to cause arguments because of the checking up, not because of any evidence of wrongdoing.
Surely arguing about mistrust will inspire the mistrusted person to keep secrets to keep the peace, leading to a separation in mental attitude, and then unhappiness, then looking for something bettter, ad infinitum......?
Thinking about this, I am happy that I don't have these feelings of jealousy, but then also wonder if there is something weird about me because I was sexually abused often by a family friend between ages of 6 - 8, and maybe don't see sex as something for 'lovers', and prefer rough sex rather than romantic. Therefore, I can't see myself getting very worked up about a physical act if our relationship stayed the same as it is now.
I can't remember specific threads, but there have been a number where a woman (or man) has found out that they had been cheated on at some stage, and the cheater has said it meant nothing (one night stand?) and they regret it but it was a dealbreaker for the cheated on, and they've split up.
When I read these types of threads, I am enormously sympathetic because the pain the poster feels is tangible, but I also feel relief that I probably wouldn't feel the same way. If he detached emotionally from me because he was getting attached to someone else, that would be different I think.
I'm aware that it may be because of my past that I am wired differently, and I have great respect for the women who place such a value on their self-respect that they will not tolerate a cheat. I do have self-respect, but my partner being unfaithful isn't tied in to that, or so I think atm.
I realise I haven't been put to the test so can't imagine it properly, but I do wonder if anyone else is / was like me, a bit indifferent to sexual fidelity and not possessive? Did this change upon getting evidence of an affair?
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AIBU?
To wonder if having high standards of fidelity is a good or bad thing.
8 replies
pettybetty · 27/03/2014 15:33
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