to not return to dd's school with her list of forgotten items?

[jonnyappleseed]

I am constantly asking dd, in year 6 to pack her school bag the night before. She usually says, "Yes, I have", when she has not. This week, I had a note from school saying she has forgotten to hand her homework in on time, twice in the past week. (Which I know she has completed but forgotten to take in.)

This morning, I gave her a 10 min warning we were leaving, then a 5 min warning, then a 2 min, then it's time to go. She had been up for an hour at this point.

Then she "remembered" she needed her swim kit (every Tuesday so not a one off) and started arguing that she was not ready to leave yet. I got in the car with her sibling (who needs delivering to a different school) and beeped the horn to tell her I was about to leave. She came out (without her swim kit.) Then in the car she had another meltdown because she remembered she also didn't have her netball kit which she needs for an after school club. She will not be allowed to play without trainers.

She thought I was the meanest mother ever because, I have refused to go home, gather up the items and deliver them back to school. (I'm working from home today, so could in theory). I told her today will be the day she remembers as a disaster and will, from now on, be sure pack her bag the night before.

I think I've done the right thing, but I feel so rubbish. I think it's a wake up call she needs. But as she went into school she was glassy eyed and had a wobbly voice.

[CoffeeTea103]

You have done the right thing. She will remember the consequences very well. If this is what it takes to get her to be responsible then it's what you have to do.

[puntasticusername]

YANBU. A hard lesson, but one she needs to learn from the sound of it!

[MajorGrinch]

Totally right, the other way would only teach her that you're there at her beck & call and that there are no consequences to her lack of action...

[SapphireMoon]

You are probably right but it is a tough one!
My 8 year old expects me to remember everything and I have crossly gone back to school with stuff he [he would say me!] have forgotten.
There will come a point where I might do what you have done though...

[oldgrandmama]

You did absolutely the right thing. Hopefully she's now learned her lesson. Well done - don't feel guilty.

[wheresthelight]

yes you have done the right thing!! she will be a high school in september and they won't take kindly to 'mummy won't bring it in' as they will expect her to be responsible for herself.

My DSS (also year 6) is just as bad, despite being told a dozen times he has left his mobile phone here for the last 5 weeks, we have refused to take it home for several reasons but the biggest being he hasn't even noticed he hasn't got it which kinda shows how often he uses it!

[ilovesooty]

Absolutely right and good for you. A hard lesson for her but we'll learned before secondary school hopefully.

[TheBody]

mmmm well she's year 6 so not exactly a teenager is she.

she needs your help. some people are far more organised than others.

couldn't you just have a quick chat every night and discuss what she needs the next day and help her pack the bags.

work out a time table with her of what she needs every day and stuck it up in her room.

I think the sink or swim attitude to an 11 year old is harsh.

my dd 15 had bad period pain this morning so I got her some toast and tea with tablets while she packed her bag.

give and take.

[Anniegoestotown]

Dd is a disaster and she is 15. But apparently it is because of an aspect of her dyslexia. Her dyslexia teacher is trying to put in place a system she can work to so she does not forget stuff.

[jonnyappleseed]

Thanks all - the general feeling is that at 11 1/2 she should be able to manage this herself. (And I do remind her at bed time, and yes, she does have a timetable above her desk). I still feel rubbish but I do think she needs a jolt now. thanks for the reassurance..

[jennyl131]

I would expect my 11.5 year old dd to organise this all herself.

In fact, after 2 mornings in a row of chasing ds (9) up to school with forgotten items with the baby in tow, (when I should be putting the baby down for his nap) I told ds that if he forgot something again he was on his own and would need to deal with the consequences.

Maybe harsh, but realistically the only way he'll learn. He's not forgotten any critical school kit since.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I think it depends on the child TBH, DS2 was perfectly able to organise himself and his swimming/football/hockey kits by age 11 - and probably did a far better job at remembering than I would have done!

DS1 however, was a different story. If someone didn't physically put his kit in his hand and tell him he needed to take it, it wasn't going to happen.

Did you ever forget to take anything to school with you? I know I did & I can still feel that embarrassment of having to tell my teacher that I had forgotten my swimming kit/PE kit/trainers . Hopefully, primary teachers are kinder nowadays but I still would have to drop the forgotten items in to school for her. But then I am a soft touch, quite probably.

Won't the school phone you & ask for the things to brought in too? And what about the after school club? Won't you be inconvenienced by having to pick up DD earlier if she cannot do netball without her trainers?

[MomOfTwoGirls2]

You did right thing. But it won't necessarily stop it happening again.

I dropped Dd1 to drama rehearsal recently, as she got out of the car she said, in horror, Mom YOU forgot my bag with my script!!
I am guilty of organising their bags for them to prevent last minute rush in morning. Time to hand over that responsibility.

[TheBody]

where we live we have the middle school system so kids go to middle school from aged 9 to 13. they start high school at 13.

I think it's a far better system than going from essentially little school to huge high schools at just 11.

so glad mine had those more gentle steps.

[AugustRose]

You did the right thing. My DD (now in year 7) was terrible and we had a few similar mornings like yours but I was determined she had to learn to do it herself and by 11 most children should be able to.

She's still not great now and usually ends up scrabbling around in the morning but she's learning fast, at secondary it usually means a detention if you haven't got what you need.

[TheBody]

there's a difference between handing over responsibility completely and packing their bags for them.

op if you chat about what's needed the next day and she has a timetable in her room don't you just kneel in the floor together and ensure she has it packed. takes seconds.

[jonnyappleseed]

I don't think school will call.
At the beginning of year 6, they even told us that they expect the children to take more responsibility and that they won't be allowing us to drop off forgotten items any more (but this is a lax and ignored rule as the school secretary is too nice and smiley to enforce it.)

[cupcake78]

I think you've done exactly the right thing! My 6 year old reminds me of what he needs on what day and I help it get it ready the night before.

By 11.5 he will be expected to do it himself!

[ThefutureMrsTatum]

I think you've done the right thing, she does need to learn to organise her life in small ways before she starts high school in September. maybe you could help her remember though by buying her a diary or a noticeboard to stick in her room, she can then stick things on it to remind her what she needs to be doing each day. A chalkboard with the days on is another option. She'll thank you when she gets to high school and she has multiple pieces of homework and coursework due in.

[TheScience]

I think 11 is old enough to take some responsibility, especially as you reminded her the night before and she has a timetable.

[ilovesooty]

I don't see why the school should call. They have enough to do. I think that the OP is reminding and supportive so Iddon't think there's any reason for her to help to physically pack the bag. Her daughteris of an age where she should be able to take responsibility. Parents who do too much fail to prepare their children for the expectations of year 7.

[IfNotNowThenWhen]

Well, I had to organise everything myself as a child, from age 7 ish onwards, and I often just didn't! I rarely had a pen, clean PE kit, the right stuff for anything! I was just always very disorganised, so I think it depends on the child. Some children need a bit of help learning to organise themselves. I don't think you need to feel guilty though OP, your intentions are good.
Btw, I totally agree with you TheBody about middle schools.9-13 is such an awkward age, and it's much better to have those years in one place, and then move onto to high school at 13. I wish they hadn't scrapped middle schools in my area, in favour of gigantic high schools.

[LovelyJubblies]

You definitely did the right thing.

[TheBody]

yes though do remember that kids who are as bright and aware of what they need at 10 are a long way away from the hormonal growing difficult years of 14/15.

personally I think it's my job as a parent not to take over but not to sink or swim either.

a bit of reminding, help, support and double checking goes a long way.

I forget things as I guess we all do. not the crime if the century really is it.