To wish someone would tell me I'm doing a good job just once!(16 Posts)
Single mum to 7wk pfb (although may be getting back with DD's dad but that's another story)!
All I ever get from my parents is why don't you do this, why not do it this way / that way, blah blah blah.
Never once has anyone said anything positive.
DD was a bit gripey the other day on boob and my dad asked if my milk was good enough?! As in, why don't you give her formula, she obviously isn't getting enough goodness from your milk. What because she cried?! Umm, she has put on 3 lbs since birth which my HV said is very good.
DD is actually a really happy, ebf, smiley and beautiful little girl who has put on a good amount of weight. I think I'm doing a decent job!
Why all the criticism? Makes me want to stop them from coming round to be honest.
Oh and I'm 32 so I should probably tell them to f**k off.
AIBU to have expected my parents at the very least to encourage me and make me feel confident in myself?!
You are not doing a good job... You are doing an amazing job!!!! Sounds like you are being a brilliant mum to your little girl and doing it all by yourself, you're doing so well! Give yourself a massive pat on the back, you totally deserve it!
Thank you mediumred :-) that actually made me cry (in a happy way).
I'm so sorry you are not getting more praise in real life. Everyone finds the first few weeks really hard but anyone who manages it alone is a real hero and your mum and dad are a bit blinkered if they can't see that. You are going to have such an amazing bond with your little girl. One day she will be able to tell you how brilliantly you've done.
Oh, and YANBU!
TBH I would just tell them to fuck off. It worked quite well with my MIL - she dropped the tactless comments after that.
And well done, you are doing a great job! 3lb in 7 weeks is fantastic.
Fuck it, this is real life. OP, you are bloody awesome.
FWIW my DM was full of 'helpful' suggestions and when I finally lost it she said, tears in her eyes, "I was trying to help, I know you are a better Mum than me".
You are doing brilliantly. I agree totally that its nice to hear it in real life! Some people think you will need their advice, suspect they don't realise how much you will have read about before baby arrived and how Muhammad info and advice is readily available via internet etc.
Most important to stick with your instincts, you are pre programmed to know what mis best fir your baby!
It's obvious you're doing an amazing job! Congratulations!
Sometimes parents think that 'their way' is actually better or easier than what you are doing & they're just trying to help. Sometimes they see that you are doing things differently and take it as an 'insult' to their parenting skills so they have to correct you to the 'right way' for the 'sake of the child'.
Only you can hear what they are saying & decide if they are trying to be helpful (and failing) or are just being stupid.
My own DM, when I had my PFB, at first referred to his carseat as 'putting him in jail' (that was back when carseats were 'new') and that when I was little 'she held me in her arms' when riding in the car. I just rolled my eyes (to myself) because I knew that I was doing the best thing for my son. By the time he was a year old, she was a staunch car seat proponent & couldn't believe that women during her day had held children when riding or set them on the seat when driving!
So just relax, know that you ARE doing the best for your precious baby, and try to let it just roll off your back. If you just can't let it go, I'd suggest you be honest and tell them that what they say is hurtful and that they need to put a sock in it. Well, maybe put it another way.
Definitely a good time to tell them to fuck off if you want to, leeway being (hopefully) extended to new mothers. Sounds like you're doing brilliantly. It is a v v sensitive time, I felt 'peeled' - no thick skin - which, combined with my mother's verbal diarrhoea (eg she wouldn't fucking stop saying I smelled of milk, Ooh he can smell your milk, He wants the milk bank) left me feeling very low.
She didn't mean any harm but she didn't do me much good either.
Enjoy your baby, you're doing great.
So not only are you raising a child in your own, and have done for 7 weeks, you're breastfeeding too; have managed to get beyond 6 weeks (which many parents say that this is the hardest time to build supply, manage cluster feeding etc) and you're baby is healthy and happy.
You sound awesome to me duck.
You need to learn the art of smiling and nodding
Or stating: did you mean to be so rude?
Is there a family friend you could confide in who will perhaps drop hints to your parents about 'praise'?
You are doing a good job. It's bloody hard as a new first-time mother with a supportive partner, but on your own - I take my hat off to you.
What would they say if you said "Did you mean to be so rude?" or "Did you mean to sound so critical", with a BIG grin on your face?
NewtRipley has great advice.
In addition I would lask, 'tell me the last positive thing you've said to me', and then list the negative biting comments.
There are 2 reasons for that:
Firstly they will need to think if they are lacking in their encouragement
Secondly, that might well be being positive but you're too focused on the negatives you aren't hearing it.
You are doing a good job
Sorry you feel undermined and criticised.
Remember your baby wants you and only you right now - you are the most important thing in your daughter's life. The love and care and nurture you provide is everything to her - she knows you are getting it right!
Op it sounds like you've had a very tough time of it recently .
From you post you sound attentive and loving to your baby. You are doing amazingly well.
Have you tried going to a baby bf cafe in rl? Bit of mother to mother support with the emotional side of bf? Your dd sounds like she is absolutely thriving so you are clearly meeting all her needs.
It's a shock to the system when we have babies. No feedback or positive appraisal from a boss. No objective measurement of our performance. Instead try to see the only appraisal you need as that which will come from your milky happy baby. Her gummy smile. You've made her! How better can you get!
You are doing so well! I would really have struggled to breastfeed as a lone parent. Have you tried a bf support group? Great way of meeting new (hopefully nice!) people who also have babies. Keep doing what you are doing with your little one, you are doing the right things!!
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