To be getting really pissed off with exH and him not seeing his kids?

[extremepie]

Ok, bit of background necessary!

Ds1 has had an ongoing problem where, essentially he keeps pooing himself, been going on for over a year, having investigations done, not sure whether problem is physical or mental :/

Ex and I split last August, he moved away to near Manchester (we are near Cornwall) so is really far away from the kids as neither of us have transport. He pays no maintainance and had seen them once at Christmas.

He had discussed a while ago the idea that he would take the kids for a week in the easter holidays to see them and also give me a break as I have been looking after them totally on my own since he left and I really need some time off. He was wanting me to travel with the kids on the train to London to meet him rather than travel to us to see them.

When I spoke to him today I said I couldn't bring them to London since the train line was broken in the storms and would require bus changes and add hours of journey time so he would have to come to us. Now he is saying that he will take Ds1 on his own up to Manchester to his place (where he is living with his new woman and her 2kids) because he wants to spend time alone with him to get his pooing problem under control.

Personally I think this is bullshit. I think he can't be arsed to take both of them and is trying to make excuses. Ds2 has ASD so can be quite challenging so him taking ds1 for a week will not really give me a break at all. Plus then ds1 would have to spend a week living in a strange woman's house in an area he doesn't know!

AIBU to be pissed off? I got the impression that if I didn't want to go along with this arrangement then he would not see them till summer :( I feel like he's using ds1's 'problem' as an excuse to not take both of them and in reality I don't think it would actually help at all!

AIBU?

[McPheezingMyButtOff]

No you're not

He's being a tosser. Sadly, most men who can't be added to parent fall in to this category.

[extremepie]

It just really fucks me off that he is off not working, not seeing his boys, sponging off his new woman like he did to me! I'm worried that if Ds1 does go there he will say 'mummy why is daddy living with that other lady and her girls when he doesn't visit me & my brother' :(

He expects me to bend over backwards to get them to him, he should want to see them!!

[WaitMonkey]

How old are your dc ? Your ex sounds awful. I don't see how he thinks he can sort out ds1's problem out, living in a strange house for a week with a woman and children he doesn't know, with a father he hadn't seen for months and without his brother for company. If anything it's going to make him worse.

[extremepie]

My thoughts exactly! Plus the fact that it would cost loads of money in train fare and about 10hrs on the train!

Alternatively my ex could come down, stay at a friends house (which he already has permission to do) and see the boys every day for as long as he likes and spare us the travelling but he can't be arsed :(

He's been saying something about waiting to see if he's got this job he's applied for too, saying if he gets the job he can't come as he needs the work - just tell them you've got plans for that week when you start! Seeing your boys is important!

Ds1 has been talking about seeing him for ages, he misses him like crazy it'll break his heart if he can't see him :(

[lunar1]

I know its hard (ive been the child in this) but don't help him with transport. He needs to come to you. After the way he has behaved it is completely inappropriate for him to take one child away to some random woman's house.

Sadly for your children they will probably have a stronger bond with each other than with their dad at the end of all this. I wouldn't allow him to come between to two of them by just seeing one of them.

[littlemisssarcastic]

What makes him think he can sort out the poo problems in a few days when you haven't been able to in much longer? Is he a miracle worker? Does he know something no one else does? Or is he trying to discredit your parenting by using your ds's problem to somehow prove this?

[extremepie]

I really don't know littlemiss, what can he do in a week that I can't do in a year?!

I don't think he's purposely undermining my parenting I just think he's using that as an excuse to not have both the boys, giving me the line that some 'alone time' with ds1 will solve the problem!

[puntasticusername]

WTF does he mean, "get DS's pooing problem under control"?

If those are his exact words - in fact, even if they're not - I would not in a million years let such a person look after a child of mine unsupervised. Whether or not the child was also his!

An issue such as that, which sounds complex and with a possible psychological component, needs delicate handling. Not the uprooting of the poor child to a strange environment, with people he doesn't know well, and with a father who from the sound of it may be possessed of a highly unreasonable expectation that he is uniquely well placed to resolve this issue in some mysterious, and possible totally inappropriate fashion.

I'm sure you must be desperate for a break, but your instincts are clearly telling you that this offer is not to be jumped at unthinkingly. I'd listen to those instincts if I were you.

[extremepie]

I don't think they were his exact words but that's what he meant!

I don't think he really believes that he can 'fix' the problem I a week but I do think he believes that ds1 having a week alone with him will make a big difference where I'm not sure it will :/

I just think he's being really selfish expecting me to pay for train tickets for 3 people all the way to him & back when he could pay for one and come to us, plus then they could stay where they are comfortable & not have the issue if being introduced to new people!

[BlackeyedSusan]

I would say that the children are available for him to collect but unfortunately you are unable to provide the train tickets as he does not provide for your children and you spend the money on your children.

honestly, what would be worse, a disappointed child who can not see their dad or a child who has seen their dad in less than ideal circumstances?

use phrases like it is in the children's best interest that they are not separated...(if you think that is the case)

[bochead]

Just no.

He's the grown adult - they are children. It is for him to organise himself to meet their needs, not t'other way round.

I understand you need a break, but fear that if you give into this DS2 will feel understandably rejected and left out, leading to potential behavioral problems for you to sort out. DS1's issues are such that the last thing he needs is to be foisted onto a man he hasn't seen in months who patently cba (or he'd make the journey to you!) & some strange woman, away from everything that is familiar to him for a week. Again there's a high risk of making his problems worse.

This doesn't sound like respite to me, but the makings of a potential nightmare for you to mop up after alone yet again.

Your job is to be a good parent, not to enable your ex's self-delusions in the face of his own abysmal behavior.

[greenfolder]

He has no interest in being a dad clearly. I mean this really seriously, is there any point in you doing anything to keep up contact?