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Help me educate my neighbour, please!!! [lighthearted]

(26 Posts)
MagicalHamSandwich Tue 11-Mar-14 22:29:46

Not a TAAT but inspired by the neighbour one:

Upstairs fakes her orgasms, really badly and really loudly. She basically lets out a really loud moan/scream every two seconds or so. She also seems to think that orgasms are meant to last for the entire ... um ... encounter. What also doesn't help is that her new partner seems to have the stamina of a marathon runner. This goes on two or three times every night (yes, their relationship is new).

They've just started yet again. I've been off sick with period pain all day and my headache istn't helping.

WIBU to write out detailed step-by-step instructions on how to fake a convincing, non-wall-shattering orgasm and slip t under her front door?

Pimpf Tue 11-Mar-14 22:31:28

Only if you didn't give us a preview of the letter first!

QOD Tue 11-Mar-14 22:33:32

Just fake one in between

EverythingsDozy Tue 11-Mar-14 22:34:48

Can you not just post a copy of "when Harry met Sally" through the door?

MagicalHamSandwich Tue 11-Mar-14 22:35:31

I've actually given (half-) serious thought to cheering them on. As in Come on, guys, this is no time to give up, you can totally ace another round!

Hoping that reverse psycology may work.

PomBearWithAnOFRS Tue 11-Mar-14 22:57:58

Knock on her door and shout, really anxiously "are you alright Neighbour? Should I phone the police? Open the door, what's happening" etc and say "oooh sorry, I thought someone had broken in or something when you kept screaming like that confused
Or push score cards through the door with his n hers marks for Effort, Endurance, Musicality, Gymnastic Content, and Style on them out of 10 grin

LRDtheFeministDragon Tue 11-Mar-14 23:03:58

grin

This reminds me of my university flatmate's girlfriend. They did like to perform and we'd be creeping around trying not to burst laughing.

MagicalHamSandwich Tue 11-Mar-14 23:06:16

Or push score cards through the door with his n hers marks for Effort, Endurance, Musicality, Gymnastic Content, and Style on them out of 10 grin

I love this idea! Not sure how I'm supposed to rate gymnastics without visuals, though. Would sneaking in and installing a nannycam be acceptable for the purpose of a fair performance assessment?

Alternatively, would it be okay to register a premium rate number, advertise it as a sex-line, screw a microphone to my bedroom ceiling and let them make me rich while I relax with my noise cancellation headphones?

PomBearWithAnOFRS Tue 11-Mar-14 23:18:10

Only if you accept all major credit cards and luncheon vouchers grin
And you judge the gymnastics by sound - headboard on wall, groaning of lightfittings, rattling of wardrobe and so on grin

MagicalHamSandwich Tue 11-Mar-14 23:29:21

No way I'm accepting AMEX, their fees are sky high.

I'm willing to offer a monthly flatrate and direct debit as a payment option, though. grin

TheVictorian Tue 11-Mar-14 23:43:15

Play William tell overture on loud when they begin shagging.

Collaborate Wed 12-Mar-14 00:35:17

Change your wifi name to "we can hear you having sex".

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi Wed 12-Mar-14 00:44:21

That sounds really annoying and she needs to tone it down a bit

But she might not be faking, maybe she has lots and lots of orgasms back to back

Either way you should let her know you can hear her and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that they burn themselves out soon grin

CorusKate Wed 12-Mar-14 01:20:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shockers Wed 12-Mar-14 07:10:19

grin CorusKate!

MiniSoksMakeHardWork Wed 12-Mar-14 07:56:38

Dh applauded our neighbours one summers night when they were shagging early hours - we'd heard them a lot and was more obvious when windows were open. We never heard them again!

I'd applaud loudly out the bedroom window. Maybe ask for an encore....

NakedMum33and3rd Wed 12-Mar-14 08:03:24

Haha! This sounds exactly like my unit flatmate! She actually enjoyed the fact the we could all hear her. She used to leave her bedroom door open too. My room was opposite hers. Used to walk out my room and find her in all kinds of compromising positions!

I like the coruskate approach though!!!!!

Koothrapanties Wed 12-Mar-14 08:16:28

I had a neighbour like this, it sounded so fake it was laughable. I really did think the bloke must have been so deluded or watch a hell of a lot of porn!

I told her to her face that we could hear everything, but she still did it. I was so happy when they broke up.

Another neighbour had threesomes on a regular basis. Oh the joys of living in flats!

Driveway Wed 12-Mar-14 09:42:56

Yep we had this too. Came home tipsy one night and met other neighbours who were also bothered by the cacophony so we stood outside and cheered.
Didn't stop them.
Sigh.

WholeNutt Wed 12-Mar-14 10:20:23

I would write

'Good Morning, if you are intending to spend another night faking your orgasms could you possibly do it a little quieter - thanks. Ps if you're having to fake it with him get rid! Have a lovely day!'

Icimoi Wed 12-Mar-14 10:27:09

Or push score cards through the door with his n hers marks for Effort, Endurance, Musicality, Gymnastic Content, and Style on them out of 10

You'd have to add Acting Ability.

Tuhlulah Wed 12-Mar-14 10:36:48

I love CorusKate's idea. I think you should add, 'and I have friends who like to listen too. They're coming round this evening.'

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Wed 12-Mar-14 10:47:33

I like collaborate's idea. Leave the telly on really loud playing kids programs, then say oh I hope the dc's tv didn't disturb you last night, I forgot how thin the walls are. <innocent face>

Jolleigh Wed 12-Mar-14 11:16:01

She might not be faking orgasms to be fair. Some people are particularly vocal right through <shifty eyes>

However, they do need to be told to be more considerate. The more creative the better...how about you buy a cheap ball gag and leave it gift wrapped outside the door with a note: "if I'm not taking part, I don't need to be awake. You're welcome. "

shamelesshussie Wed 12-Mar-14 16:26:45

Just say that you're delighted that they're so loud because you find it really difficult to masturbate when you're holding a glass agains't the wall

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