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AIBU?

Parents evening with an ex that causes trouble?

19 replies

MrsNurse · 10/03/2014 08:24

My partners ex has caused a lot of trouble over the years and a lot of heartache. Tried to split us up and at one point stopped us seeing the children for 5 weeks which was hell and we both lost a lot of weight. Anyway to cut a long story short when it comes to parents evenings we go separately to stop any upset as usually whenever my partner meets with his ex he comes back telling me how she's been slagging me and my daughter off. Just wondered as long as you go with the children to school events separately does this seem the better option than going with an ex with ill feeling or just go together and grit your teeth for the sake of the children?

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Goblinchild · 10/03/2014 08:28

I see a lot of parents separately. Most have managed to work on a good relationship with their children and I'm happy to support that.
Why is your partner passing on the nasty comments to you, instead of keeping his ex's opinions to himself? Are you asking him to?

gordyslovesheep · 10/03/2014 08:29

you grit your teeth - well YOU don't - he does - and he doesn't pass it back to you to fan the flames further

it's for him to deal with

Gigondas · 10/03/2014 08:33

Also stay away from parents evenings- can your ex not tell you what is said? Or go separately at time when ex not there.

Finola1step · 10/03/2014 08:42

My school has a rule wrt to Parents Evenings - 1 child, 1 meeting. Whoever chooses to attend is up to them. We expect issues between parents to be dealt with outside of school. The only exception would be where there has been DV, court orders, or ss involvement so there is a possibility of putting either parent at risk by being in the same school at the same time.

The reason we do this is if we didn't, the situation would become unmanageable. In some classes, we could end up with the teacher having a 50% increase in the number of parent meetings which takes time away from actually teaching the children.

We do however provide seperate copies of reports, news letters, targets etc if requested. But this is done by admin. So in the situation you describe OP, I think your partner needs to go along with his ex, be civil and ignore any comments. Your DP could then put in a written request for a seperate copy of reports etc.

Finola1step · 10/03/2014 08:44

Just a quick question OP? Are you going to the parents evening of your DPs child? As well as the ex?

If so, why?

Pantone363 · 10/03/2014 08:46

Or school refuses separate meetings. One meeting and whoever comes comes.

Why are you going? Dh needs to go, not interact with ex and leave.

NigellasDealer · 10/03/2014 08:48

whenever my partner meets with his ex he comes back telling me how she's been slagging me and my daughter off
gosh he sounds like a real little star

WooWooOwl · 10/03/2014 08:53

Your DP needs to keep his mouth shut if his ex is slagging you off, there is no need for him to report back to you.

On the whole, I think parents should go together to parents evenings, it's not fair to increase the teachers workload just because two people that chose to have children together can't be civil to each other for twenty minutes.

Apart from extreme cases where abuse is involved, I don't think it's the better option for anyone if parents go separately. Parents should be able to communicate about their children's education.

FunkyBoldRibena · 10/03/2014 09:06

He goes, you don't and he doesn't tell you what she said about you but tells her that you are there to discuss their child, not yours.

I'm stunned he tells you what she has said about you.

NigellasDealer · 10/03/2014 09:08

why would she 'slag you off' anyway? were you the OW?
and why does he repeat it all back to you? does he enjoy the drama of it?

DoJo · 10/03/2014 09:35

I don't understand why people are saying that the OP's partner shouldn't mention his ex's comments? Presumably she is aware of the ex's feelings about her, and pretending that she's not still behaving in a destructive and negative manner is unlikely to improve things. If she is expressing these thoughts to her ex at a parents' evening, the chances are she has shared them with her children, and that's certainly something worth knowing if they will be spending time together.
I know in the OP's position, I would be asking my partner how things went at the parent's evening - is he supposed to lie?

NigellasDealer · 10/03/2014 09:37

is he supposed to lie?
well no but i do wonder if he is making the most of it and enjoying the drama of it all.

DoJo · 10/03/2014 09:44

I can't see anything enjoyable about being separated from your children and risking a big scene at their parents evening. Perhaps I just don't spend time with the kinds of people that other's know, but it all sounds terribly sad and must be awful for all the children, not something to be 'made the most of' at all. I can't see anything in the OP's post that suggests her partner is anything but frustrated and sad.
If someone was saying horrible things about me, I would expect my husband to tell me, not because he 'enjoys drama' but because we are a team and a partnership and we work together in the face of adversity.

MrsNurse · 10/03/2014 10:16

I have 2 appointments for my daughter 1 that me & my OH go to and 1 that my ex hubby & his gf go to as I feel input from both sides as he is her stepdad after all and vice versa is valuable. Luckily I have a good relationship with my ex & his gf is lovely so this works fine. She slags me off basically because she hates me, (so very much to go into, if you want I can but it's longwinded!?) no I'm not the OW she left my OH for another woman and left him that broken he didn't date for over 3 yrs. I've always got the impression she liked him wallowing over him & didn't like a new woman on the scene.

Yes I do feel that my OH is getting a kick out of winding me up to a certain extent and is enjoying the attention.

OP posts:

MrsNurse · 10/03/2014 10:23

Ps yes she does involve the children in their arguments, she puts them on the phone mid argument to go at their dad and also lets them read text messages between them. We had to contact the littleones school directly as she left slip that she was coming home with 2 letters and that mum would bin dads letter so we never knew when parents evenings or school plays were so now we get the info posted to us. She challenged my OH when we went to the last parents evening saying we went behind her back and should have discussed it with her first if it was ok if we went. She also told us the wrong week and day for the littleones christmas play, luckily I had the numption to check the date with the school :-(

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 10/03/2014 11:46

You do sound very involved in the childrens lives. Maybe she thinks you are over-involved. How long have you been together?

MrsNurse · 10/03/2014 13:20

We've been together 3 years, I guess I kind of am over involved but it's hard not to be in these situations as I see the kids a few times a week

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MidniteScribbler · 10/03/2014 21:08

I wouldn't run two parent meetings just so that two separated parents can have their new partners come along. We do have a few students who have parents that bring their new partners, but they are able to act like adults and work together for what is best for the child. Our school will only run two meetings if it is due to DV or other exceptional circumstances. We will provide two copies of correspondence, newsletters, etc to both parents, but we do all communication via email, so it's not hard to add two addresses in the BCC field.

MrsNurse · 10/03/2014 22:40

I guess I'm lucky then as all of our childrens schools have always been more than accommodating re parents evening without being asked and have even allocated the children double tickets for school play so step parents can attend also (a letter usually comes home with the child saying separated familes are taken into account0

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