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Suicide ?, wibu, sorry to anyone who has had experience

(19 Posts)
Mmmbacon Fri 07-Mar-14 14:13:15

My dh is self employed, unfortunately over the last few years he has lost customers due to suicide, plus knows lots more who were employees who took their own life

There was another man last weekend, dh is very upset as he met him a fw days before it happened and he said something just was wrong, he rang me that day to ask how the account was, if cheque had come bounced etc as something just didn't sit with him that day,

Anyway we were taking and I said I dont care how much business gets on top of you you dont do that, you talk to me, to someone,

Dh was pretty taken abback and was insulted I think, nd said something along the lines of I would never, have never thought ... I butted in and said well I think mr abcdef wife thought the same until she found him,

I said this story to my dm, and she was horrified that me and dh would have thus conversation ands asked was I worried, did we ned to get dh "help" I said no, I was just putting myself in that poor womans place, how.she.must wish a week ago that he had said something, talked, opened up

Dh said he thinks the reason he felt so odd about their last conversation is that he possibly knew what he was going to do, so was saying goodbye, rather than see you next week,

I don't.know what I am saying really, wibu to talk straight to dh, I am not worried as such, but the volume of suicides is frightening me, has anyone else talked openly like this with their partners?

Again sorry to anyone who had close hand experience, it is awful as an outsider, I can't imagine what out must be like to go through,

NewtRipley Fri 07-Mar-14 14:21:35

I don't think it's unreasonable to have a conversation with your spouse about this. Concern for our emotional wellbeing is something that's part of our relationship.

Maybe your mum is not as open about mental health issues and is very frightened to have suicide brought up. It's not long ago that suicide was seen as very shameful and was hidden - still is by some people.

Maybe your mum's not the best person to confide in if these issues make her feel very uncomfortable.

natwebb79 Fri 07-Mar-14 14:21:58

YANBU. I too have had this frank conversation with my DH.It really worries me how many men I hear of in similar circumstamces making that tragic decision as they feel they can't adress their problems with their wives/friends/families.

We haven't discussed it as such, but when we are discussing the business (or lack of it) I make it clear to him what is important to me and that monetary success is not very high on the list.

NewtRipley Fri 07-Mar-14 14:27:05


I think that's a good point.

My BIL took his own life last year because he thought he was dying.....he wasn't! So yes, this has led me and DH to talk about it quite a lot..DH's initial reaction was to say he wanted to join his brother but thankfully it was the shock talking. We have sat down and talked about it, the implications it would have on our son etc the end of the day though when someone is desperate enough to take their own life, these rational explanations don't sink in, get remembered or whatever.

fluffyraggies Fri 07-Mar-14 14:34:09

My DH is self employed and i was going to say what exit said. I tell him i'd happily live in a cardboard box as long as its with him.

So many times you hear loved ones left behind saying 'i had no idea. if only i'd said x, y, z ....' sad sad

littleballerina Fri 07-Mar-14 14:37:16

I believe that it is better to talk than to not.

It is such a hard conversation.

Partridge Fri 07-Mar-14 14:42:12

Psychiatric advice for dealing with people you think may be contemplating suicide is to name it. So you are absolutely right. It is about giving people permission to discuss it.

If they are feeling suicidal you should ask if they have thought about how they would do it, then ask whether you/they can remove the method and how they can keep themselves safe in the meantime. It is a kind of first aid for suicide and should be applied to either your family member that you are worried about or the stranger looking as if they may jump off the train platform. Obviously this method is for someone you think may be in crisis. You could have a much more gentle discussion with someone who is not at that stage.

It goes against all our instincts of British diffidence, but it cannot be ignored. Look at this and well done for tackling your concerns head on.

theimposter Fri 07-Mar-14 14:56:10

Can I ask what field your DH is working in? Farming? It seems odd that there is such a high rate amongst his colleagues and it is worrying. But the responses he has given when you have talked seem reasoned and stable. I don't think there is anything wrong with tackling the subject head on.

CailinDana Fri 07-Mar-14 15:00:54

There seems to be a lot of superstition around suicide, as though mentioning it will make it happen. People should be able to say "I feel like dying is my only way out" without everyone freaking out.
The best thing said to me when I was suicidal was "yes I know. But you don't have to do it now do you? Put it off for now and see how you feel later." All the guff about "but look at all the good things you have..." only made feel worse because all I heard was "your life is great and you still feel like shit, there's no hope. Plus you're an idiot to feel that way." The samaritans volunteer simply acknowledged how I was feeling and took relieved me of the looming pressure of feeling I had to do something about it (ie suicide) by saying I could just do nothing, for now. She didn't suggest I be thankful or go running or do anything. Just, ok, you want to die I get it but hold your horses.
Wanting to die is not an absolute end to wanting to live . It's a symptom of desperation and should be acknowledged not ignored. The more it's ignored and kept secret the more likely it is the sufferer will go through with it.

Helpline workers are told to ask "are you suicidal" not because it's vital to know that but because just asking the question can prevent someone from doing it.

There's no point in saying "don't let yourself become suicidal" as no one lets that happen, it just happens. It's better to say "if you are ever considering suicide tell me. I won't be angry or freak out. I will help."

NewtRipley Fri 07-Mar-14 15:12:48


What a great post.

Mmmbacon Fri 07-Mar-14 16:12:34

Caitlin, that was a great post thank you for sharing your experience,

Imposter I think asked what field dh is in, he isnt in farming bit in manufacturing, he supplies some small wholesalers and independant retailers of various size, he has over 100 customers which is very rare in his line due to multiples, but he reminds me off delboy in that he knows his customers, knows their staff .has a conversation with each one and could sell ice to the eskimos,

I am glad we had our chat, I know dh and the fact that the poor man that died, died owing our company a small five figure amount is worrying him, I would hate for him to think his life isn't worth living over money, plus as the dedicated purse (pincher) holder, ive joked that he isn't to worry until he sees me panicking,

He was so good to me when I was sick, and pretty disabled, and had ptsd, I would like to think that I am as good and there for him,

He has "been told" now, so I am happier for having voiced any concern I had,

farewellfigure Fri 07-Mar-14 16:33:00

YANBU. I think you did the right thing. In fact I said the same thing exactly to my DH a few weeks ago after his cousin hung himself. I was absolutely horrified for his poor wife and children and said that if it ever came down to that please please please don't do it to me and DS. It was beyond imagining. I don't think there's anything wrong with having a frank conversation like that at all.

Blondeshavemorefun Fri 07-Mar-14 22:19:28

Sadly some people just can't say how unhappy they are or feel depressed or think their life is worthless / people be better off without them

People rarely comit suicide after talking to someone - they may think about it for a while or just decide to do it on the spur of the moment

Often can be because of money worries / or can be depression or neither and just felt they had enough of life

My dh committed suicide almost 3yrs ago - I never expected it

If this man owes your company money - do you think that's why he killed his self? As he couldn't afford to pay it?

If he has any assets or possible life insurance then you may be able to claim on his estate

NormHonal Fri 07-Mar-14 22:28:34

I think you did the right thing.

My Dad's friend committed suicide when I was young, and I am thankful that my Mum (in spite of Dad's telling her otherwise) didn't hide it from us. She explained it to us, and how awful it was for everyone left behind. She did a bloody good job. We were young children, maybe 7 or 8 years old, with questions, as Dad was clearly upset.

I've been through some dark periods myself (all in the past) and am thankful to my Mum for instilling that understanding in me. The effects of suicide are far-reaching and profound, and I never want to have that conversation with my own DCs.

I've had the conversation with my DH, who does suffer from stress. We have sat down together and gone through online depression surveys and talked about it. I check in with him regularly on how he's doing beneath the surface.

As I said, I think you did the right thing.

Pilgit Fri 07-Mar-14 22:45:10

Having someone say to me that they would be heartbroken if I committed suicide has helped me. Yes I should know it but knowing that someone has verbalised it is tangible. It is good to say these things. It keeps it all out in the open.

Pilgit Fri 07-Mar-14 22:45:48

Having someone say to me that they would be heartbroken if I committed suicide has helped me. Yes I should know it but knowing that someone has verbalised it is tangible. It is good to say these things. It keeps it all out in the open.

Mmmbacon Sat 08-Mar-14 02:44:07

Blondes, money I think could well have been a factor, but it would have been much larger than the sum owed to us, you could easily add on another 0 or 00 to the sum involved and possibly more if he had a mortgage rather than rent, but he would have had assests to back that up, stock machinery fixtures and fittings, possibly a vehicle, who knows only his accountant the balance at the end, not sure what will happen, will his family take on the business and dept , I just feel so sorry for her, not only had she his death to deal with, but at his own hand, and then to manage restart a business which she had little dealing with, I just can't imagine having to go through all that,

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