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AIBU?

To feel so sick, sad and guilty?

29 replies

DomesticDisgrace · 23/02/2014 21:45

Growing up there was just me and my two alcoholic parents who if I'm honest gave me a truly awful childhood/life until I moved out at 17. Underneath it all they were great people but very damaged. My mam left when I was 12 though and my dad tried to hold the fort, working nights, minding me but also drinking a lot and shouting, wrecking the place, throwing me out etc.

They later got divorced and sold the house, split the money but almost as soon as the money hit their accounts my dad had a stroke and I looked after him but while he was recovering my mother got diagnosed with terminal cancer and the next day I found out I was pregnant. I looked after her then but myself and my dads siblings tried to convince him to buy a little place instead of squandering all his money away and paying rent but he wouldn't.

I had a little girl and my mam died 11 days later leaving me her half of the money and I vowed to use it for a home for me and my daughter and the following year I bought a little 2 bed and now two years later I'm 26 and mortgage free (but broke!)

My dad is renting a little bedsit and I had to take some stuff in for him that his brother was minding and I just felt racked with guilt that here I am set up for life technically with his money, while he's stuck in a little bedsit. I feel so sick and sad about it, I'm usually a hard nut but there was something pathetic about him leaving his worldly goods here. I wonder should I offer to share a room with DD and let him move in, though I don't think he'd like that either as he has a long term girlfriend who is also an alcoholic.

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5OBalesofHay · 23/02/2014 21:50

No, your mum left you her share, which means your dad can't piss it up the wall. You know you can't have him to live with you and your child. Enjoy stability as your legacy from a difficult early life.

edwinbear · 23/02/2014 21:53

No, you have a child. He made his choices in life, take care of him, be there for him, help him out, but not at the expense of you and your child.

mrsjay · 23/02/2014 21:55

it is your mums money that she left you which you used to make your life better, it is not your fault that your dad did not use his wisely please dont have your dad live with you if he is still drinking or other wise dont put your little girl through that , I know you are sad your dad has got to the state he is in but try and let go of any guilt, you sound lovely and I am sure you and your little girl are happy in your house

greenfolder · 23/02/2014 21:55

Good God don't feel bad at all. You did the sensible thing and no doubt your mum would be very pleased. Your dad could have done the same and chose not to.under no circumstances visit the misery that you had as a child on your daughter.

Piscivorus · 23/02/2014 21:57

I think you have to put yourself and your daughter first now. Your parents didn't give you the best start, don't let them do the same to her.

You don't have your Dad's money, you have your Mum's share and he had exactly the same options to use his wisely, as you did, or to continue to drink it away.

I can understand you feeling sad about how his life has gone but you should not be the one feeling guilty here.

badtime · 23/02/2014 21:59

YABU. It is not your fault that your father is in that situation; it is not your responsibility either.

If he lived with you, I doubt he would be any happier, and you and your daughter would almost certainly be a lot more miserable. Why would you choose that for your daughter?

MyCatIsAStupidBastard · 23/02/2014 21:59

Definitely not. You don't want to repeat the alcoholic behaviour for your DD that you had to go through.

Your DF made his choices and he must deal with them. You can provide help where you can, but you don't need to feel guilty.

savingupforanother · 23/02/2014 21:59

No, do the best thing you can now and put your child first, in the way that your parents never did for you. You can still help your dad out without risking your DD's future or your stability in a home of your own.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 23/02/2014 21:59

No.
Shield your daughter from what you had to endure.
I know alcoholism is considered to be an illness but, there was the element of choice in what they did.

You looked after him while he recovered from his stroke.
You looked after your mum.
Your dad chose not to buy a place.

You'll quickly find I'm sure if you offer him a place, then his girlfriend will be a permenant feature.

You need to look after you and your DD.

parakeet · 23/02/2014 22:01

Dear God, don't let him live with you. Think of your daughter.

TheScience · 23/02/2014 22:02

It's fine to feel sad but you mustn't feel guilty.

Your dad is an adult, he made his choices. He had the same amount of money as you so he could also be living in his own home.

Your little girl has to be your priority - protect her and her home.

lookingfoxy · 23/02/2014 22:03

No no no, it is your dads choice to live like this, I think some people dont put too much focus on their surroundings, ie your dad had the option to buy somewhere, but chose not to, its maybe not that important to him that he lives in a bedsit iyswim.
I had an alcoholic father as well who was quite happy in run down flats and funnily enough having a nice home for my dc's is my top priority.
I guess trying to recreate a sense of security for our kids that we never had.

Cyclebump · 23/02/2014 22:06

It is not your fault.

Any money you give him will go on alcohol. If you let him move in your DD will have to live in the insane environment you did as a child.

You are doing enough by helping care for him.

It is hard but you have to put your DD first.

mrsjay · 23/02/2014 22:27

oh yes if he lives with you he will have the drunk gf popping by as well do you want to go back to drunk parents again please don't do it

InTheRedCorner · 23/02/2014 22:33

Look after yourself and your daughter and look forward to a positive future.

You are a better person than I am, I let my parents just get on with it as soon as I could leave.

EirikurNoromaour · 23/02/2014 22:34

He made his choices. Don't feel guilty.

Supercosy · 23/02/2014 22:39

Frankly you sound amazing. You have done so well and now you have your little girl and your home. You are lovely enough to stick around and help care for your dad. You do not have to ask him to live with you. Please don't. Think of your little girl and also of yourself. You've been through enough.

Supercosy · 23/02/2014 22:40

I didn't mean that to sound as if you would not be lovely if you didn't care for him....hope you can see what I meant!

WitchWay · 23/02/2014 22:51

Stay strong & keep your home for yourself & your daughter - you need a room each. Yours was not your Dad's money - your Mum left it to you. If you offer him a home it is likely he will take advantage, plus the girlfriend will most likely move in as well. Support him from a distance, but practically rather than financially, so he can't booze it away.

frogslegs35 · 23/02/2014 22:53

Don't feel guilty. You really shouldn't.
As others have said he made his own choices and has to live with the consequences.
Don't allow him to live with you. It will be hell, you'll very quickly regret it and your daughter will suffer horrendously, like you did as a child.
Support him how and when you can, whatever you're comfortable with, that's it.

foslady · 23/02/2014 22:58

Do you honestly think your mum would want you to repeat the process that she tried to break free of? She'd be so proud of you for what you have achieved and your maturity with her bequest to you. If you let your dad come to stay with you (and ultimately his girlfriend) then you will be repeating your childhood with your daughter.
He had made his choices - rightly or wrongly - don't become his parent. If you want to try and help him find better accommodation, fine, but please, not yours.

longingforsomesleep · 23/02/2014 23:00

Supercosy - the OP does sound amazing doesn't she? To have gone through such an utterly crap childhood and turned into such an articulate, caring, together and strong adult - at the tender age of 26 - is incredible.

But PLEASE Domestic, as everyone says, don't have your father live with you. Not just for your dd's sake, but for your own. You've been through enough and can still help your dad without sacrificing your own happiness any further. You can give your dd the secure home and upbringing that you didn't have - don't let anything or anyone jeopardise that.

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innisglas · 23/02/2014 23:07

You do sound lovely and caring, don't lose that quality, but I don't think having your dad move in is the answer. You could be seriously affecting the well-being of your child

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/02/2014 23:10

If you move your dad in, it'll allow him to squander his income even further. Do you want to subsidise his lifestyle? He needs to live with his choices. Carry on prioritising your daughter.

Supercosy · 23/02/2014 23:13

OP, my DP lived in the most toxic, hideous environment as a child (very abusive father, unpleasant, cold mum) and suffice to say she eventually escaped it. To her great credit and with mine and Dd's help she decided to help her mum move closer to us (to sheltered care) to look after her as she is now quite ill and neither of them have any other family.

We can only manage that and cope with her because she is at arms length. There is NO way on earth that we would have her live with us. DP has been through enough. You have a right to a happy life. You were dealt a bum deal when you were a child. Please grab the chance of a peaceful, happy life with your Dd. You most certainly deserve it.

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