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DH should help - extremely trivial.

(17 Posts)
Calloh Sat 22-Feb-14 20:04:20

DH has been on peace for two weeks. Today he's worked hard clearing up the garden, while I did let's of cooking and soothed unhappy baby, he has also taken the children out for an hour this eve and left me with baby.

When he came back things had obviously been stressful so I put all three DC to bed. DH lay down on bed for a while. I went downstairs, put on wash and started emptying dishwasher, tidying up, clearing up supper. DH came down and flopped on sofa, checking his iPhone. I asked him to help me.

We had a big argument. I think he should always offer to help in these circumstances. He thinks not.

I know it's silly and doesn't matter in big scale of things but I'm starting to doubt myself . Am I being unreasonable?

Calloh Sat 22-Feb-14 20:05:05

Damn, he's been on leave, not on freaking peace, unfortunately.

Wheelerdeeler Sat 22-Feb-14 20:06:13

Yes. He should always offer to help. Any partner should.

But so often it doesn't sad

harriet247 Sat 22-Feb-14 20:09:10

Yanbu

PhilomenaCunk Sat 22-Feb-14 20:09:36

Yes. When you asked him to help, did he do it with good grace or was there a lot of harrumphing? That gets on my wick. A lot. I assume DH won't know what I expect until I tell him. But when I've told him I get the proper rage if he then ignores me.

DarlingGrace Sat 22-Feb-14 20:10:28

He's been physically labouring? (clearing garden) Whilst you have been cooking?

He's taken the other children out so you can 1-2-1 new baby time?

You have put all 3 to bed whilst he has a chillax?

Unless he was doing 8 hours hard manual, and 3 hours in the park with the older bairns, then YES, he should be still be splitting chores.

PhilomenaCunk Sat 22-Feb-14 20:10:35

Sorry, I meant that he SHOULD offer to help, and that YANBU.

Calloh Sat 22-Feb-14 20:21:11

Thank you. He did say it with comparatively good grace, two days ago we had the same argument and there was so much harrumphing that he didn't actually manage to help. And then he accused me of being out of order in asking.

This time I have just remembered that I did say that he should offer to help if I was still running around and he was lounging - that might have been the provocation. It probably was a bit annoying with a slight martyriish air. For some reason this has really bloody pissed me off today and I'm blowing it out of proportion.

Going to have some wine and a bath.

Thymeout Sat 22-Feb-14 21:08:44

I live on my own and what would really irritate in a couple situation is if I were having to do chores at a time of the other person's choosing. I'd be quite happy to do my share but not have to leap up when I was in relaxing mode, just because the other person had decided that the time to empty the dishwasher or wash up was NOW. Instead of in half an hour's time when I was ready to do it.

Has this consideration been discussed in your negotiations, OP?

AgentZigzag Sat 22-Feb-14 21:23:02

What happened between you asking him to help out and it being a Big Argument?

I've seen one half of a couple get very controlling upset when they're working and the other person isn't - at that minute. People go through cycles of work/rest and if they didn't coincide with this couple all hell would break loose.

So long as both people are doing stuff throughout the day what does it matter whether they're both working at the same time.

He wasn't necessarily lounging he could have just been taking a break, would he have got up afterwards and pottered round doing bits and bobs do you think? Or is that the point you're making, that now he was sat down he thought he'd finished for the evening and you thought there was more to do.

AgentZigzag Sat 22-Feb-14 21:25:10

And how much does him being on leave affect it?

Is it difficult for him to 'fit back in'? Knowing it's only for two weeks. How long was he away?

maras2 Sat 22-Feb-14 21:27:07

So he took the kids out for an hour and then had to have a lie down ? What a lazy sod. You are so NBU.

canyourearme Sat 22-Feb-14 21:28:48

Lifes too short to bother arging about housework. thats why my house is always a tip

canyourearme Sat 22-Feb-14 21:31:15

Ive done a 7 hour shift, took dd to the park, had a nap and sod all else. Dh has looked after all 4 dcs including ill dbaby, cooked dinner, done washing /dw and nought else. Heyho, its the weekend.

AgentZigzag Sat 22-Feb-14 21:39:26

Tbf though maras, sometimes an hour out with the DC can seem a lot longer as well as require a lay down afterwards grin

And it's OK to be lazy sometimes.

Calloh Sat 22-Feb-14 22:44:42

Thyme and Agent that's a really valid point about foisting my timetable. It would piss me off too if I'd just sat down and someone demanded I'd empty the dishwasher and I'll be careful of that in future as I'm probably guilty of that sometimes . However tonight he thought he was done.

I think being on leave only effects it because he usually works extremely long hours and I'm a SAHM so I do everything weekdays and at the weekends he's knackered and understandably wants to spend time with the children so I do most stuff then. We had a discussion about helping two days ago and he said he didn't think he should help with cleaning if he'd put the children to bed which I can understand the logic of but today I just thought actually fuck it I'm not a skivvy and it's not okay to leave the house covered in bolognase and petit fillous indefinaty and I put the children to bed and made supper and cleaned up after supper. Equally I can't expect him to jump to my timetable.

It goes straight to big argument because it's been discussed a few times and there is lots of harrumphing and indignation on both sides.

We have discussed and agreed that I'll say, as Philomena suggested, please can you help me and do blah blah blah. If he says yes then I'll just leave him to do it whenever suits him. I hope I don't sound princessy.

Can is right, life is too damned short. grin Sorry this has been so tedious but you have all really helped - thank you. I feel a lot less irrationally furious now.

AgentZigzag Sat 22-Feb-14 22:58:31

It wouldn't be on for him to opt out because he's on his jollies from work and needs a rest, that would be taking the piss, but maybe he just wants it to be recognised that he is pulling his weight and it's not as bad as you make out, not bad enough for an argument.

He does sound as though he's doing his share, but I'm not keen on the share being measured in the precise 'I've done this so you need to do that' way, it just leads to people silently fuming because they don't think it's a fair divvy up of jobs.

Could you both decide on a few things that are 'his' job at home (ie ones you don't want to do wink) and so long as those get done it's equal and he can still pitch in if he sees your death stares you're struggling? And he has to agree to look/notice if you're run off your feet.

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