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AIBU to think I won't have to 'take sides'?

(3 Posts)
JudgeKnot Wed 19-Feb-14 20:53:12

An old friend of DH has left his wife. Over the years, although they live a couple of hours drive away, we have all become good friends and our DCs are close to theirs in age so we've spent a lot of holidays together.

We've sensed things haven't been good between them for some time but were still shocked to find out (via blimmin' Facebook - her announcement) that they had split up.

We spoke to them both at the time both sounded ok, said they were fine and would be in touch. Since then we've left them voicemail messages but neither has got back to us and distance means we haven't been able to see either of them.

We've since come to believe via her very angry posts on Facebook, that he walked out with no warning and has already moved on to someone else. After 10 years of marriage. He has obviously been seeing the OW for some time. His wife is understandably devastated. I have no ideas how their DCs are coping but they are currently spending time with both parents.

He has called DH to ask if he can come and stay at the weekend with his DCs. He says he will explain what has happened when he sees us. Part of me thinks I can't condemn him based on her Facebook posts (and I wish she would stop posting such personal stuff!) but part of me is also really, really angry that he appears to have treated her so badly.

Of the two of them DH and I have always been closer to him - that's where the friendship started and we've known him since long before they met - but there is no doubt in my mind that he has been a bit of a shit and she is the victim here. Dh has never been fond of her and the whole Facebook announcement thing has meant that he has already taken a side!

AIBU to think I will be able to not take sides in all this? (And not fall out with DH?!) Can I welcome him to our house and still her be able to look her in the eye and offer and friendship?

I feel so sad for them and for their DCs. Don't really know what to do or say next. But I really want to see their DCs and hug them and be some sort of constant support IYSWIM.

GroupieGirl Wed 19-Feb-14 20:59:13

It's admirable that you don't want to take sides, although I would wait until you speak to one or both of them before deciding what the story is based on facebook. However, I'm sorry, but I think you will end up having to choose...especially if it's as bitter as you think.

I would advise honesty, though, if you continue to have a friendship with both of them. And discretion!

MsHighwater Wed 19-Feb-14 21:06:02

One friend of ours has very successfully remained friends with both parties in a few former couples, including DH and his first wife. I've heard her talk about it being important to her to not get involved in other people's relationship issues. It does take both sides to make that work, though. There's no need for you to feel obliged to take sides but it could depend on how each of your friends approaches it, whether it will work.

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