WWYD? Requarding safety issue of DS with DSD

[LouiseSmith]

More of a step kids post, but putting it here for traffic. Worried mumma.

My DP recently moved in with me, and DSD comes to stay 3 out of 4 weekends a month. When they moved in we re decorated the kids room to things both DSD and my DS would like. Involved them both as mush as possible in the choices. Life has been good, a few teething problems to be expected.

This weekend DSD tried to push my DS off the step ladder to their mid-sleeper bed, I was there so I tried to deal with it. But DSD lied to me (despite the fact id just seem her do it) she then continued to lie to DP for the next 45minutes. No real resolve, she maintains I'm evil lying step mum (damn you Disney) and she can't remember what happened.

She has been told off had a few toys taken away, but I'm terrified about her xoming back next week. I can't exclude her it's unfair, and she's only a child, but my own DS must come first surely? What would you ladies do?

DSD is 6, and DS is 4 btw

[exexpat]

This kind of thing is hardy unusual between siblings (whether birth, step, adopted or whatever), and you can't keep them apart permanently in case it happens again.

The main thing is, did DP take your word for it and back you up in imposing a punishment? If she realises that you and DP present a united front on these things, with any luck she will eventually stop trying to push the evil stepmother line.

If he didn't back you up, you have more serious problems.

[harriet247]

My older sister did worse than that to me on a pretty much daily basis tbh. I tjink to some extent that is very very normal behaviour! Dp was telling me only last week he used to punch his brother in the face and spit in his mouth when they were sharing a bunk bed and in turn his brother would climb up and fart in his mouth. Thick as thieves now

[trashcanjunkie]

What was the context? My twins rarely fight, but there have been times when one has elbowed the other off something or shoved the other, and occasionally there are little scuffles and tears. I never get into 'lying' conversations with them about it, just deal with it quickly and decisively comforting the injured party and then moving on. Sometimes kids do shitty things to each other, but do you really feel that she poses a serious risk to your ds? Need more context to nderstand, but I'd be more concerned with the fact she was able to whine on to dp for 45 mins. Is he backing you up/are you working together? How does your ds normally get on with her?

[AgentZigzag]

I'm not sure either should come first, they should be treated equally shouldn't they?

I would say it's relatively normal for some 6 YOs to lie to get out of trouble, although isn't going on at her for 45 minutes about it a bit long? It'd be very drawn out IMO, you have to give them a way out so they can tell you the truth, for a 6 YO to keep lying all that time it must have been very intense and won't encourage her to tell the truth in the future.

I would keep them under close supervision and deal with things firmly and fairly each time they come up. If your taking toys away as punishment it's good to have lots of opportunities for them to win them back (which is similar to the lying thing and giving them a chance to be good in your eyes).

It might be disturbing for her to be staying somewhere else where she has to share attention with another child, worry about discipline and shit when you've all settled together?

[RatUpADrainpipe]

but my own DS must come first surely?

Umm - this is an awful thing to say. You are supposed to be a 'merged' family where everyone is equal.

Would you like it if your DP said that your DS came second to his DD?

[trashcanjunkie]

harriet that's so awful yet hilarious. I had a friend whose sister would wipe her bottom then call him, telling him she had something for him, and then chase him with the pooey tissue....

[AgentZigzag]

Yeah, my brother did hideous stuff to me too, he's still a wanker now though.

[trashcanjunkie]

oh, did her dad go on at her for 45 mins?

[trashcanjunkie]

totally agree with AgentZigzag

[NinjaCow]

I was utterly evil to DSis1. She did the same back to me, we were actually best of friends but also worst of enemies iyswim? We're all very close now.

Tbh, I'd be more worried that you keep asking her about the 45mins thing. If my DC continue to lie, I tell them "I saw you do, that's final.' They can continue lying as much as they want after that but both DP and I will not engage and will usually ignore it, or remove ourselves from the situation.

[TheScience]

Kids fight/hurt each other. I doubt your DS's safety is at stake.

45 minutes for an incident you witnessed seems bizarre. Surely you just say "I saw you do it, the consequence of pushing him and lying about it is xyz".

No, your DS doesn't come first. They are both young children and should be treated equally.

[intheround]

Sounds like it has been blown out of all proportion . My two squabbled and fought regularly at that age. Its normal for siblings full or step, to do so.
To go on about it for 45mins has made it worse. It could have been nipped in the bud straight away then it would have been over and done with.

[dietcokeandwine]

This is totally normal sibling behaviour IME (9yo DS1 has blatantly denied doing similar kinds of things to 4yo DS2 even when I have been in the same room and have seen it and he knows damn well I have seen it).

The way you deal with it is you are tough but matter of fact, as calm as possible (I saw what you did, there is no point denying it, you don't push/hit/kick/whatever is the misdemeanour, you say sorry to X, don't do it again type reaction). Apology is given and accepted and then you move on.

The 45 minute debate about it sounds a bit excessive. Is DP backing you up? It sounds to me as if this has been built up to be more of an issue/significant than it really is...

[MrsBungle]

This sounds quite normal to me - don't over-react!

[Floggingmolly]

You're terrified of her coming back next week?
It's kid's stuff; she's six. You make her sound like something from the Exorcist, poor kid.

[WilsonFrickett]

I think you massively overreacted. I was genuinely when I got to the bottom of the op and saw DSD was only 6.

She pushes him, you tell her off, don't get into a debate about telling the truth or not, you move on.
After she's protested her innocence for more than 10 minutes there's really no way back, is there?

My only real concern her would be if DP didn't back you up. Thats pretty important. Being terrified of her coming back though is just silly. She's 6.

[BobPatSamandIgglePiggle]

Massive over reaction. A simple "we don't push, it's dangerous, say sorry please" should have sufficed

Neither child comes first.

[Adeleh]

You are overreacting, but don't beat yourself up about it. It's a huge adjustment for you too to have a blended family and it's bloody hard. Looks like you're focussing on this incident too much. I'm sure you would never let your DSD feel that your DS comes first with you. V hard indeed, though, not to feel inside that your own children come first. It's natural. Just do everything you can not to let DSD sense that that might be the case.

[BrianTheMole]

Not sure, my dc have certainly done things as stupid as that so thats pretty normal. My 6 yr old does lie, but she confesses very quickly, within minutes. I think that I probably put it to her in a way that she feels able to tell the truth. Maybe your dsd is feeling a little insecure.

[exexpat]

Think of it this way: what would you do if they were both your biological children? You wouldn't be thinking of banning the older one from the house (I hope).

[ComposHat]

I really can't see this ending well.

It seems that both of you have got to be even-handed, consistent and 'blind' to whose child it is. You and your partner need to back each other up too.

The 'my child is the most important thing' attitude will get you nowhere fast and will be picked up by the children and be resented/milked for all it is worth.

[Chippednailvarnish]

How long have you and your partner been together?

[NigellasDealer]

why should your own child come first?

[AwfulMaureen]

OP another here to say that this is normal sibling behaviour. My two DDs do positively evil things to one another....they love each other.

There is no need to panic and think your DSD is out to get your DS..it's normal!

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Your ds will do worse to her at some point if he hasnt already, and she'll do worse still. Its normal family life tbh. My sister battered me with the fire poker if i even looked at the remote control.