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To not pack clothes for time spend with father

(17 Posts)
cleoismycat Mon 20-Jan-14 15:07:46

I am recently divorced and myself and exp have joint custody by agreement of our beautiful 5yr old dd. I have recently stopped packing all she needs for a weekend with him (except favourite toys etc) as I feel he should provide things for her when she is there – he also said he had a wardrobe full of things for her. I was doing this and he says some of it isn’t suitable (it was) and it would be returned dirty or not at all and I would get weekly demands of what to pack. I feel it is confusing sending things with her like she is off on some kind of holiday and he should provide a set of things for her in order for her to be settled. Any opinions welcome.

alphacourse Mon 20-Jan-14 15:09:53

If your child maintenace is reduced due to over night visits with your ex, then it is his responsibility to feed/cloth/house her in 'his' time with her.

PedlarsSpanner Mon 20-Jan-14 15:10:23


awkward git eh

blackfeathers Mon 20-Jan-14 15:13:21

You need to speak to him to agree a way forward, you may be separated but you're still co-parents. It sounds like you guys have done really well to agree shared custody, don't let the small details become a source if conflict, your DD won't thank you for it (by you I mean both of you of course!).

MammaTJ Mon 20-Jan-14 15:19:56


My (now Ex) Hs first wife used to send their DD with ill fitting clothes but an inventory, to ensure it was all returned.

I went and bought her fitting clothes and left the clothes she sent alone all the time she was with us. grin

cleoismycat Mon 20-Jan-14 16:08:33

Thanks, now i dont feel like such a bitch!

HappyMummyOfOne Mon 20-Jan-14 16:24:06

If you get the CB, CTC and maintainance then YABVU. If he does, then not.

diddl Mon 20-Jan-14 16:27:48

Well if he has a wardrobe full for her & the stuff that you send is wrong, there's no need to carry on, is there?

redcaryellowcar Mon 20-Jan-14 16:38:18

speaking as someone who was spending weekends with ddad and step mum and living rest of time with mum and step dad at a similar age, i remember feeling very unsettled about packing and unpacking all the time and not having things i wanted to hand, i think we had pyjamas books and swim stuff at my dads but other than that imagine my dmum packed for my dsis and me.
think what i am trying to say that whilst i can only imagine how awful being divorced is and sharing care of your dd, that she may be feeling unsettled by these changes and maybe trying to smooth the process would be best thing for her. i realise (at 33) that my mum did a lot to help build and maintain our relationship with our dad. what i don't know is if she felt like you, she probably did!! but i am glad it wasn't for me to worry about!

FrogStarandRoses Mon 20-Jan-14 16:38:32

There really is no right or wrong answer to this one; what is important is that you come to an agreement that you can both live with.

My DH and his ex have been in dispute for years, and one of the main sources of conflict is that he does provide clothes/shoes etc and she considers that to be interfering with her role as primary carer.

She has repeated requested that he stops buying the DC's any clothes/pyjamas/toothbrush etc and accepts the DCs bringing a suitcase and washbag for each visit and return with all the dirty laundry for her to wash.

DH won't tell the DCs not to tell their Mum about the clothes they have here, so it continued to cause conflict between parents and anxiety for the DCs.

uselessinformation Mon 20-Jan-14 16:48:02

I have the same problem - not even a pair of pyjamas or pants and socks provided. It is less stressful for ds for me to pack everything he needs. I also bought pyjamas and pants and socks to leave at his San'a house. Annoying for me but the child must come first.

uselessinformation Mon 20-Jan-14 17:47:38

dad's house not sanas!

uselessinformation Mon 20-Jan-14 17:48:23

dad's house not sanas!

MaeveWest Mon 20-Jan-14 17:52:01

i'd send clothes because you don't have to buy extra clothes, but not nappies for example. I didn't used to send nappies. Bit too much trouble not to send their clothes though!

Winterwobbles Mon 20-Jan-14 18:06:20

People seem to handle this in different ways. My exH's DCs only came in the clothes they wore and woe betide us if they didn't go back in the same set. Everything was duplicared. I always wondered how they felt having their things so completely disconnected in two different houses. It also did feel like a waste of both parents money to replicate everything. DH's DS always brings everything - generally an enormous bag for the weekend that id manage to fit a weeks worth of my things in even though he has a few things at ours. I know he has packed himself since he was very young.

I'm not sure this is ideal either. I think somewhere in between works best but you have to have a good working relationship to make it work, ie being a bit thoughtful about who has what, washing clothes before sending back and both contributing to buying clothes. Your ex sounds like he is just being difficult.

Dwerf Mon 20-Jan-14 18:17:24

I have the most hassle-free version of this ever. The clothes belong to the children and they are free to wear them how and where they like. The downside of this is that frequently they aren't sure which house a lost item is in. or all their pants end up down here and tops at his place. We just sort of bumble along with this non-organisation, but there's no arguments. Just a lot of sighing at children who swear blind they do have some clean jeans somewhere and phone-calls to the other parent. It's a good job we live close.

But allegedly we do each have clothes for them, and each pay for the clothes at our own houses.

missymarmite Mon 20-Jan-14 19:43:42

We have clothes here for dp's 2dd. We usually try to clean the clothes they come in and return them wearing the same, although occasionally stuff happens and they go home in stuff from here, it all evens out eventually. YADNBU!

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