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To think my friend is mistaken and this really isn't a problem?

(64 Posts)
twiggy6 Sun 12-Jan-14 08:45:02

This might be a bit long!

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday which has made me doubt whether something I always thought was ok...actually IS ok. Now I'm questioning myself so could do with some other points of view!

I am very happily married with one dd. I have a very good male friend who is also married. We attended each other's weddings and have never known each other "single" - we were both in serious relationships with our oh's when we met, so have never dated, flirted, nada - we just clicked when we met about 8 years ago at work and have remained close friends. The four of us (me, my DH, My DF and his wife) very rarely get together as a four - usually my and my friend get together just the two of us to go to dinner, have drinks etc. We text occasionally and exchange emails but nothing we wouldn't be happy for either spouse to read.

My husband is absolutely fine with this friendship. He likes my friend a lot, encourages me to see him regularly and is totally secure in our marriage so there's no jealousy. Both me and DH have good friends of the opposite sex and this is not an issue for us at all. I realise it maybe would be for some couples but it works for us.

I never thought anything was odd about any of this until I spoke to one of my female friends yesterday and mentioned that id gone for dinner with my male friend last week. She was horrified and said that once you are married, you should have no reason to socialise alone with other married members of the opposite sex. She accepted that there is nothing "going on" between us (and honestly, there isn't) but was admant that my friends wife must HATE me spending time with her husband.

This really got me worried! I know and like his wife and always assumed she was fine with me as I've never gotten any vibes when iv been around her. My male friend assures me she is absolutely fine - like my husband - but I can't help now worrying that she's secretly resenting me and that I'm causing problems.

Am I - like my friend told my yesterday - kidding myself to believe that a man and woman can be good friends without either party's spouse minding?

I spoke to my dh about it and he says I'm silly to worry now when wev been friends for 8 years with no incident or problems - and that it would have become apparent before now if I was being seen as a threat! But I realise that some people's marriages have a different dynamic to ours and I would be absolutely mortified if I was causing problems for a very dear friend and his lovely wife

I'd love to hear other peoples take on this!

lekkerslaap Sun 12-Jan-14 09:31:11

Yes, I have totally the same thing with an ex-colleague.

Ignore her and never mention it again. She obviously has ishoos for whatever reason.

mrstigs Sun 12-Jan-14 09:44:13

I bloomin hope not. My best friend (who is now also my boss) is a man. My husband is fine with it. I'd hate to think I couldn't be friends with him any more just becouse our genitals don't match.

HoratiaDrelincourt Sun 12-Jan-14 09:46:32

What do you do if you're gay? Only have opposite-sex friends? And then obviously you can only see one at a time confused

nvrgooglenkdShiaLaBoeuffTigga Sun 12-Jan-14 09:50:33

If that's the case what the buggering fuck do people who are bi-sexual and married do - have absolutely no friends at all?


Kafri Sun 12-Jan-14 10:35:58

All u can think is that your friend has been hurt in the past and it's blurring her views.

I have male friends who I have known for longer than DH and it gas never entered my head to get shut if them just cos I got married. Similarly I have made a few more male friends since being married

DH and I split up for 12 months a good few years ago so would have been free to run into the moonlight with any one of my male friends but it just wouldn't work. We're just friends, not even remotely interested in anything more.

Keep the status quo op - you're doing nothing wrong.

tiredbutstillsmiling Sun 12-Jan-14 10:44:01

Both DH & I have friends of the opposite sex whom we socialise together with and apart. No issue really. One of DH's closest female friends lives 100 miles away so from time to time (when there is time!!) he'll visit her and stay for a w'end and vice versa.

Agree with a previous poster that maybe your friend has been hurt in past. My XH had an affair which ended our marriage, when I met DH I was concerned with his friendship with this girl but then I thought well if he wanted to be with her (they'd been friends for 5 years before we met), then he would be with her. When I met her she soon became my friend (she's that lovely!).

Riddo Sun 12-Jan-14 10:55:16

I went to a concert yesterday with my male friend and his kids, his wife ( also my very good friend) is away for the weekend. I made sure that the children sat between us as we were bound to see people we knew ( we did ). It's people like your friend who've made me feel that I needed to do that. We are good friends, DH is completely happy but other people have to think the worst.

Ignore your friend, she clearly has issues.

Mitchell2 Sun 12-Jan-14 11:25:15

Agree your friend has issues.

I have quite a few male friends I go out with without DP. DP has a few great female friends he sees. Neither of us have issues with it and it would be weird if these people were not our friends because we are now married. hmm

rightsaidfrederick Sun 12-Jan-14 13:13:34


My best friend is male, and despite having first met when we were single (quite a few people assumed we'd get together) nothing ever happened, and I'm in a perfectly secure relationship and still living with the best friend (housemate situation). It works for me, and lots of different things work for lots of different people.

Your friend is just projecting her own insecurities onto the situation.

MeepMeepVrooooom Sun 12-Jan-14 13:28:32

I think your friend is projecting her own insecurity onto you. She wouldn't be happy with it and justifies it by assuming everyone is the same. She's wrong, and a bit of a loon

Mrsantithetic Sun 12-Jan-14 13:32:58

My dp best friend is a woman. It doesn't usually bother me they go out drinking and see each other regularly. The only time it bothers me is if she having a crisis because it's always him she turns to and he runs. the fact she is prettier and skinnier than me is irrelevant honest

But mostly I'm fine with it. They've been friends for 15 years if anything was going to happen it would have by now.

NotNewButNameChanged Sun 12-Jan-14 13:38:18

Your friend sounds like a lot of the people on the Relationships board, where close friendships with the opposite sex seem to frowned upon and cause suspicion by the majority of posters there.

They and your friend are wrong. It is perfectly fine and normal and how good to see plenty of people on this thread saying so.

MrsMoon76 Sun 12-Jan-14 13:45:23

One of my DH's best friends is a woman actually she is his last girlfriend before he met me and they are off out today meeting for coffee and cake to talk films/dr who/football/work/her arshehole boyfriend. She and I have also become friends since I moved here and we have been known to all go to a film and she and I would meet ourselves for lunch or a wander round the shops. She is one of his closest friends and I would never think of trying to stop him seeing her. That would be really sad for him.

ukatlast Sun 12-Jan-14 13:49:16

You are not getting a balanced view here. If I were his wife, I would not be happy about it - why can't you just socialise in a foursome if you all like each other so much?
My Mother would say you are 'playing with fire'.

annieorangutan Sun 12-Jan-14 14:40:16

Your friend sounds a bit nutty.

Thatisall Sun 12-Jan-14 14:44:48

ukatlast. You wouldn't be happy for your partner to have a friend of the opposite sex? Why?

Thatisall Sun 12-Jan-14 14:48:12

OP my dh went taking photos with a female friend of his. It's actually his friend's wife. I have no problem with this and joke that I 'lend' him out to her!
One of my closest friends is my xboyf. Dh doesn't mind me spending time with him, he even asks me 'what does *think. ' when I have a dilemma. We like you are comfortable and secure in our relationship and have nothing to fear from these friendships. I feel sorry for people who aren't 'allowed' friends like this.

CiderBomb Sun 12-Jan-14 14:53:13

My mum is like your friend. One of her friends has a good male friend, her husband knows him and is perfectly fine with it but my mum doesn't think it's right and she shouldn't be hanging about with another man when she's married. Ridiculous.

tudorqueen Sun 12-Jan-14 15:50:07

Load of rubbish! Most of my close friends are men and there's a few whose DW/DPs I've never even met!!

So, those people who think that once someone is married they should only do things together, or not have friends of the opposite sex etc...well, what do they do if one of the couples in their social circle break up? Only keep friends with the partner of the same sex? Get rid of both of them on the basis that single people can't be friends with married people? (I do actually know a couple who think like this!!).

Just WTAF?

FortyDoorsToNowhere Sun 12-Jan-14 16:05:14

I go out a lot with female friends, who is to say that I secretly gay and will start an affair.

WhatWouldCaitlinDo Sun 12-Jan-14 16:09:40

Your friend must have her own issues. I would just feel sorry for her.

LadyHarrietdeSpook Sun 12-Jan-14 16:16:17

I have male friends too, mostly work colleagues at this stage. It's MIT something I found easy to manage when I was younger but as an older person my life is enhanced so much by having close friends of both sexes. I am in fact making a point if helping my daughters find thus easier than I did. It's crap going through life thinking members of the opposite sex are restricted to romantic relationships only. And yes the question if what are gay and bi people supposed to do is very valid.

dannychampionoftheworld Sun 12-Jan-14 16:20:07

She sounds very insecure. I know my DP has at least 3 good female friends. I have never felt insecure about them, mainly because he knew them before he met me, so I assume if he fancied them he would have gone out with them.

I house-share with just one other person, a man, who is also in a relationship. Our OHs would never even think to be suspicious.

It's only a problem if you are keeping it a secret from your OH and/or if it is escalating into something else.

MrsBungle Sun 12-Jan-14 16:23:04

My dh has a female friend who he sees quite a bit of - always on his own or with her dp. I don't usually go cause tbh I don't much like her! He's known her since they were teenagers. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. We have a very secure relationship. Dh also meets a lady he used to work with for lunch perhaps once every 6 weeks. They're friends, I cannot see why this would be a problem.

RoadKillBunny Sun 12-Jan-14 16:24:04

Friend is very wrong and has a very dated attitude!
One of my best friends happens to be male. Our friendship predates both our spouses.
When my friend first met his now wife she knew how important our the friendship was and tells me that when she first met me she was nervous and also had a little thread of worry about the nature if the friendship however within moments of meeting me she could she there was only and would always be nothing but a close friendship between us. I was best man when they married a couple of years ago.
My husband also has never had a problem, he respects me and trusts me.
My friend and I feel like siblings towards each other, anything else just creeps us out!

I really wouldn't worry, the only person with a problem is your Victorian friend, the four people it matters to are all reasonable people who understand that just because you are of different genders doesn't mean you can't maintain a close friendship!

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