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AIBU?

To keep quiet about alleged DV?

33 replies

Hoppinggreen · 07/01/2014 14:57

A lady I know reasonably well came up to me t work today and asked how I know B( bloke) because he has asked her out. He doesn't work with us but from FB she could see I was friends with him.
I actually know him because a very good friend of mine is currently divorcing him so I have got all sorts of " dirt" on him that I won't be dishing as I know the source may not be entirely reliable. However, I do believe a lot of what my friend has told me, including a couple of incidents of DV during the break up.
Now I actually like B and I know that my close friend wasn't entirely blameless in the break up (affair) although I know there is no excuse for DV. I have known B for about 20 years and have socialised with him. I think they would be a great couple and have no issue with my friends ex moving on at all so that's not it. I definitely won't be mentioning this to my friend, she knows he is dating again, so is she and their relationship is quite amicable.
Now my dilemma is what if Nything to tell the lady who he has asked out. I don't want to get involved and I don't want to tell her anything potentially untrue but I DO believe this man was violent to his wife at least twice. ( seen bruises etc) It was many years ago and they actually put it behind them and made another go of their marriage until recently when the split up again - for good this time.
The other thing is that I know the lady who asked me has been a victim of DV before, which means I doubt she would never go out with a man with a history of it.
I have managed to not say much so far but she keeps asking about him. My Husband says keep out - should I?

OP posts:

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SantanaLopez · 07/01/2014 15:00

I'd tell her.

snugglesnook · 07/01/2014 15:05

I think you should tell her. You might feel bad if you didn't tell her and she ended up being in another abusive relationship.

Juno77 · 07/01/2014 15:08

Personally, I would keep my nose out. Its none of your business - I am with your DH.

You don't know what goes on in relationships. You just don't. Unless he has been convicted of something, I would not get involved.

struggling100 · 07/01/2014 15:10

I think you should tell her, because it's a serious thing and she needs to know. But I think you need to be absolutely clear at the same time about the level of uncertainty you have, i.e. you need to preface by saying this is an unproven allegation made by the ex-wife, that it happened a long time ago and he has a good record since, that you have never personally witnessed anything, and that you can't be sure that the bruises you saw came from DV.

Mim78 · 07/01/2014 15:11

If you don't tell her, which could be considered reasonable, you should say that you don't think you are the right person to ask because you are too involved.

I think on balance I probably would tell her but I think it is a difficult one.

If you don't tell her I think she should be aware that you are NOT telling her everything you know/think you might know etc.

hoobypickypicky · 07/01/2014 15:12

I'm a bit shocked and a lot saddened that you're asking the question.

There are absolutely no circumstances whatsoever which I can think of which would prevent me from telling the woman. I don't normally get involved in the details of other people's relationships but I couldn't and wouldn't keep a violent man's dirty little secret. Then again, I wouldn't be friends with him in the first place.

Tell her. Value her, respect her, don't let the ex wife's suffering count for nothing, possibly even save a life. Tell her.

AnyFucker · 07/01/2014 15:12

I would tell her, but only the unembellished truth you have witnessed with your own eyes.

After that, it's up to her

hoobypickypicky · 07/01/2014 15:14

* But tell her with the caveat that you didn't see what happened, only that you have no reason to believe what you did^ see and have been told.

SparkleToffee · 07/01/2014 15:19

only you know the circumstance that the DV occured in, and so only you can make a judgement. I am NOT condoning DV at all in any way shape or form, but you say that this happened when they were spliting up and your friend had an affair.... I am sure emotions were running very high and sometimes people behave in a way which they regret later on..

Im guessing you know more about this / these incidents and whether they were regular part of their lives together or if they were "heat of the moment".

If it was me I would feel v uncomfrtable with new lady who was victim of DV dating someone who was potentially violent. And I would feel equally uncomfortable labelling a man as Domestically violent for the rest of this life becuase of a row he had with his exWife.

So it is hard to say... sorry that isnt really helpful.

and I say this as someone who suffered DV, along with emotional and other abuse within a long term relationship.....

BillyBanter · 07/01/2014 15:21

Have you asked her why she keeps asking? It may be she doesn't quite trust her own instinct in general or maybe she is seeing some red flag or has heard other rumours?

I'd say tell her.

Grennie · 07/01/2014 15:23

I would tell her the bare facts you know. Nothing more. Anything else is guessing.

pigletmania · 07/01/2014 15:23

I would tell her, just reiterate that it's nit certain

Grennie · 07/01/2014 15:25

The OP saw bruises. So you can say you saw the bruises and she told you that your friend had been violent to her.

But don't add on other stuff. There are two sides in any relationship.

FilthyFeet · 07/01/2014 15:26

I'd tell her, and I'd also ask myself why I liked and socialised with a man who had hit his wife hard enough to leave bruises.

hoobypickypicky · 07/01/2014 15:28

What are you suggesting, SparkleToffee, because I'm genuinely unsure. That the wife having an affair, the "heat of the moment", with "emotions running high" might be responsible for the wife calling assault when it wasn't or for the husband committing an act of criminal violence?

JugglingIntoANewYear · 07/01/2014 15:30

Tell her what you know - I don't see why you wouldn't ?

Juno77 · 07/01/2014 15:33

No one knows what happened in their relationship except them.

I can't understand why people are advocating the spreading of rumours. That's all this is; hearsay and rumours.

I know a man who was falsely accused of rape. Entirely innocent. He started seeing a woman a few months later, and a friend of the accuser sent her a message to 'warn' her from this 'vile, disgusting rapist'. It was heartbreaking for him - not to digress with the details but he lost access to his DD for a brief time whilst the investigation was ongoing, and then when he was getting his life back on track, he almost lost his (now) wife because people listened to rumours and lies.

Please think before getting involved in something you really don't know about.

SparkleToffee · 07/01/2014 16:08

Juno77 that is exactly how I feel and put much better than me!
hoobypickypicky what I meant is that we cant know the truth and when emotions run high people behave badly (ie husabnd may be violent repeatdly / may have only been violent on that one time / they may both have been violent to one another when affair was revealled / wife may have lied or exagerated due to her having had affair).

If he hasnt been prosecuted for it then I would leave well alone

Notaddictedtosugar · 07/01/2014 16:10

I would tell her, but as others have said, only what you know as fact. She is then able to make up her own mind.

JugglingIntoANewYear · 07/01/2014 16:15

But if you tell your friend/colleague what you know and relationship with new man doesn't proceed further they are both free to see other people aren't they? Plenty more fish in the sea for them both?

oscarwilde · 07/01/2014 16:15

What is she actually asking you?

Quoteunquote · 07/01/2014 16:31

but she keeps asking about him.

So answer her honestly, that what people want when they ask questions,

I have friends, who have been really crap in passed relationships, I don't expect all my friends to be perfect, but I wouldn't recommend another friend starting a relationship with them because of their previous actions and they know that.

If he had murdered his ex, you wouldn't keep that from a friend, so it's really where you draw the line, and where that line is drawn is really up to the person thinking about opening up their life to someone, which they can only do if they have the relevant information.

MeepMeepVrooooom · 07/01/2014 16:32

I'm going to hold back here and respond with one question.

Would you want to know if you were in her shoes?

Hoppinggreen · 07/01/2014 16:35

Filthy Feet, I haven't socialised with him since the DV allegations.
I have seen him at my friends house a couple of times once they were back together.
Mixed responses here so I will have to have a think about it.
So far I have just gone with " I'm a friend of his ex so not the best person to ask" and the lady concerned hasn't been on a date with him yet, he has asked her out.

OP posts:

LaGuardia · 07/01/2014 16:44

Don't get involved.

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