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Exp DNA tested our Dc behind my back

(84 Posts)
bongobaby Sun 01-Dec-13 11:21:00

I am beyond angry that exp ordered a DNA testing kit from the Internet on our then 7 year old and took a swab from his mouth.This was done on a contact visit and I have just found out what he had done, dc now is ten, im so upset and raging that he did this to dc.
I dread to think what my dc was thinking "why is daddy doing this".
His then girlfriend at the time was putting doubts into his head that dc looked nothing like him and that's why he did it. Surely this is not right behind my back.

bongobaby Mon 02-Dec-13 18:34:36

Sassh yes that is good advice to run from her and I'm going to. If anything she has f ing pissed me off the most in this. Especially how she still keeps saying that my ds means the world to her and that she loved him like her own. Haven't asked him if he did as now I can see that I will be getting caught up in their games.

bongobaby Mon 02-Dec-13 18:27:25

Perfect the ex gf is becoming really clingy to me.Always wants me and her to go out together.but if we do she comes out with new revelations. She hasn't got any friends in this area. I now know to stay clear of the both of them. Part of me wants to believe she is lying but unfortunately knowing how my ex behaves I am mostly inclined to believe her. feel like punching her lights out to be honest. I appreciate your last post and have taken it on board.

perfectstorm Mon 02-Dec-13 11:24:08

Thanks Sock, that's really enlightening. Difference between theory and intent of legislators and actual practice. (Hope it's okay to pick brains in this way, it's just that this stuff interests me so much.)

OP, bear in mind that it may not be true. She sounds incredibly manipulative, and while she is indeed a victim of his behaviour every bit as much as you of not more, anyone can be a victim of an abuser; doesn't mean they're a nice person. You also don't know how much resentment she may have had and may still have towards you and your DS.

If he's done this then Sock's absolutely right and it's a particularly nasty breach of DS' rights as well as yours, as well as illegal - and that's without the fraud of lying on the application. But you can't prove he's done it, and you can't change the past, so justified as the anger is on that basis - that you supported contact to an abusive ex who never paid a penny for that child, and possibly repaid that responsible and loving parenting on your side with this crap - by getting distressed you're allowing the two of them to hurt you. Neither sounds worth the steam of your pee, to be blunt about it. I know it's a million times easier said than done, but I'd let this go - apart from anything else, I'm sure he was certain DS was his anyway and just wanted to be able to shove the piece of paper proving it in her face, so he could win that argument. It's about the dynamic between them, from the sounds of it, and not any genuine mistrust of you.

Seff Mon 02-Dec-13 10:41:40

Has he admitted doing the test? Or do you only have the gfs word for it? Just wondering if she's trying to stir the pot a bit.

sashh Mon 02-Dec-13 06:00:40

We are both scared of him and I guess we could relate to each other because he is very controlling.It's been very disturbing hearing a lot of things from her that took place in their relationship and how he treated ds.

OP please run a mile from this woman.

How can you trust anything she says if she used to tell your ex he wasn't the father?

And ask exp about the DNA test. If they were arguing maybe, just maybe it was a "Well I'll bloody prove to you he IS mine". Still not good but not as bad.

bongobaby Sun 01-Dec-13 23:28:23

They were both in the wrong and unreasonable to of done this. It's as if ds got caught up in the middle of their shitty row and games with each other. It's the deceit aswell. I have no respect for him, it's been a shit time finding out he had beat her up and now I found out he has done this.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 01-Dec-13 22:47:07

As I very clearly said in a previous post both have broken the law him by taking the swab and sending it in and the company by performing the test.

He is more culpable because he would have also fraudulently filled out the form stating he had the legal right to do it.

And a birth certificate of a child born when the op's child was even if dad is named on it is not evidence of pr as prior to 1/12/03 you could not gain pr by being named on one. You had to either be married or have a court order or a form signed by the mother. After then they just added being named on the bc as an additional way to obtain it.

What he did was an actual crime 2 crimes if he signed the declaration,it was not a crime that was committed to save a life he just did it to throw it on he gf's face when they had a row on what planet could that ever be a reasonable thing.

Millenniumbug1 Sun 01-Dec-13 21:12:48

Report him to the authorities for refusing to support his child, then pour yourself a congratulatory glass of wine for dumping this low-life. Well done!

BrandybuckCurdlesnoot Sun 01-Dec-13 20:43:38

I wasn't saying he thought it was ok to do. It's pretty obvious that he was well aware telling the OP he wanted a DNA test would go down terribly. Who knows why he did it.

But I am still shocked if the company would have allowed a test to be done without actual proof of PR by way of a birth certificate or PR order/agreement. Any man could claim to have PR of a child when they do not. The company shouldn't take someone's word for it.

If a law has been broken, the company are just as much to blame.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 01-Dec-13 20:21:51

He would have had to state he had it.

And if he thought it was ok why the deceit why not openly do it.

BrandybuckCurdlesnoot Sun 01-Dec-13 20:09:40

It's likely he didn't knowingly break the law. Very worrying that the company allowed the test to be performed without proof of PR. They should have insisted on it and he then would have discovered that it was illegal.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 01-Dec-13 19:56:00


I'm not hinting at getting a conviction I'm outright saying he has broken the law.

There are some very good reasons for the HTA.

If he didnt trust the op he should have either asked her or got a court order not broken the law.

bongobaby Sun 01-Dec-13 19:32:20

So you don't trust him but expect him to trust you.

I don't trust emotionally and physically abusive ex. Him expecting me to trust him after how he has been is a bit rich.
My concern is the behaviour of him and his ex gf around ds on contact visits.

bongobaby Sun 01-Dec-13 18:56:44

Sock no later marriage, no pr just contact order

hipocondriaco Sun 01-Dec-13 18:55:22

I never have trusted him and this further proves why I can never trust him again.

So you don't trust him but expect him to trust you?

As for those hinting at getting a conviction because he may not in some legal technicality be 'parentally responsible'...

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 01-Dec-13 18:54:04

Here's quite a good guide

bongobaby Sun 01-Dec-13 18:43:57

Contact order is once a month contact. Can I ask what a residence is perfect

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 01-Dec-13 18:33:31

It does not matter,its against the law. He should not have done it and if he stated he had the ops consent then he also committed fraud.

He should have asked her. It is not reasonable to break the law unless your doing so to save a life or other such noble cause ( not sure the courts would agree with me on that one they tend to frown a bit at breaking any laws for any reason)

fifi669 Sun 01-Dec-13 18:27:14

Let's not get funny here. He may not have parental responsibility on paper, but he was consistently in DCs life. A swab is nothing. The general assholeness is.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 01-Dec-13 18:22:56

Oh forgot to add Ime a lot of pr requests via solicitors got dropped by agreement due to a bargaining thing with contact.

What used to be fairly regular was EOW contact so mum would offer EOW plus a overnight during the week if they dropped it type thing.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 01-Dec-13 18:19:01


So just a contact order,no pr order no residency order and no later marriage to each other?

perfect yes that was the expectation but it often did not happen,and lots of dads tend to self rep as well so little or no legal advice and if they do are advice the bits that stick in the brain are the essential bits not the other stuff. To a dad whose not bothered by lack of pr uninterested in funding the chid who feels he has some power over the mum because of fear unless he figures out its a great way to further bully her in a legally sanctioned way then he's not going to bother.especially if he's the type that thinks its ok to commit a crime cos his gf said so.

The threshold for obtaining pr against the mothers wishes is quite low and I've seen some shocking cases where you wouldn't have expected the dad to obtain it (think convicted pedophile applied whilst in prison) but ive also seen some you would expect to get it fail.

As a very basic your expected to have a active role,pay maintainance inline with income and a couple of other things and its not usually a great move if you sit in court and say you only want it so you can abduct the child or that you hate being a dad and just want to piss the mother off.(I've heard both more than once).

But for a decent person whose a ok parent then it would be very easy and has been for ages.

Don't know where I saw this figure but apparently these days its only about 7% of children whose dads are unnamed on bc and there's an assumption that its a lack of education or the dad is actually unknown IME i reckon a fair few of those are due to rather intelligent mums who worked out that the dad having pr could be a huge issue for the child's future due to abuse but that's IMHO.

perfectstorm Sun 01-Dec-13 17:42:09

Well no, they wouldn't be a slam dunk or you wouldn't need a court order, but the cases we were given (this is several years ago though, so probably irrelevant now) were surprisingly low-threshold from memory - not actually being a threat plus being the bio parent seemed enough? I did know most people didn't understand the significance of PR, and that partly drove the change in the law re. conferral via birth registration, but the expectation seemed to be that solicitors would seek to obtain it alongside proceedings for contact, because they would grasp what it meant.

I know bio parents do get shared residence, and it needn't reflect the actual care arrangements being in any way equal time, but isn't that relatively new as a development, with contact to one and residence to the other the default prior? I thought that was also a shift?

(Sorry, OP - genuinely interested in picking Sock's brains here, hope you don't mind!)

bongobaby Sun 01-Dec-13 17:27:58

A contact order was in place and has been since ds was little.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 01-Dec-13 17:14:45

I don't know if its usual in very recent years, but it was not usual a few years ago,you would be surprised about how little people who didn't need to know know about pr. and how few dads without it bothered to try and get it.or even just assumed it was automatic.

Pr orders can be easy to obtain but they are not a slam dunk on application

Biological parents can get shared residency orders

perfectstorm Sun 01-Dec-13 17:12:30

Does your DS actually want to see his dad, OP?

I'm not sure asking for the test results would achieve anything useful. The OP knows exactly who her child's father is and raising it with him is just going to cause more drama, surely. If it's even true - the ex gf sounds pretty obnoxious in her own right.

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