I slapped my child.(78 Posts)
He's thirteen, he called me a bitch, I told him never to say that again. He told me to fuck off, and I slapped him.
How do I make it OK again?
My youngest boy is 8 now and still v v cuddly and cute and loves his mum.
I will miss him!!
Good post LEM.
I remember pushing my mum & dad to the absolute limits when I was a teenager (am 38 now). I was an obnoxious little shit, but I actually think this is quite normal tbh - many teens are horrible at times.
I am under no illusion that my boys will be just as awful at times too (11.5 yr old is already showing odd flashes of shitness!!) and am dreading it.
I shall tell you something now that i am deeply ashamed of.
My DP slapped my DD1 (this was years ago) for a very similar thing, she was giving me a load of mouth (she was 15 - relevant, were generally having a hard time with her for lots of reasons) and he said something to her, i can't remember what, and she got in his face and shouted "fuck you" he just lashed out, not hard, but a slap - i think she may have bit her lip, can't remember, there wasn't blood. DP was MORTIFIED and left the house went for a drive i think and didn't come back until DD gone to bed. I was very angry with her of course but horrified at what had happened. Anyway, the next day DP apologised to DD and that was, we thought, it. DP never laid a finger on her before.
DD had a BF at the time and she obviously told him, he told his mum who had sort of taken DD under her wing (fuck knows why!) She actually bought DD a new pair of hair straigteners after i confiscated them because she kept leaving them on, on her bed and going out! multiple warnings, you know the score - anyway - one day DD decided she was leaving home and going to live with this woman, she didn't come home from school, i called her mobile and this woman told me DD was moving in with them and we were abusive parents
We did no more, got in the car and went to get her - DP feeling terrible and that it was all his fault (it wasn't, really) She wouldn't let me see my own DD, it was pissing down with rain, i had a 6 month old DD with me too. I called the police and they insisted that DD couldnt stay there, she was 15 and her BF 18. This woman was vile, kept telling DD not to come home and that she could live with them Police absolutely put his foot down, could see the situation. We were honest with them about what had brought it on. DD came home although stayed with a friend of mine over night, we all met up the next day, talked it over and she came home.
The other woman threatened to call social services so i called them myself, explained the situation (was actually terrified id have my children taken away from me, i was suffering from PND anyway!) They spoke to us all and spoke to DD separately, i just told her to tell them the truth as she saw it and wouldn't discuss anything with her until she spoke to social services as i didn't want to influence anything. Social services were happy that there was no problems, although DD was having some issues as we had just lost my dad, her GF and obviously i had the baby as well, she was 15, doing exams etc so lots going on for her. So they did arrange for DD to have some counselling at school as she struggled with her temper, hence the "fuck you" comment in the first place.
DP should never have slapped her, it was so very wrong, but i think i would have done the same, teenagers just know how to push our buttons and push and push and push.
After that incident, things got better at home, DD sort of grew out of the insolent teenager phase, dumped the idiotic mummy's boy BF and she was much happier. This guy was one of those "emo" types who were fashionably depressed, if that makes sense and DD followed type.
So what i am saying its not the end of the world, it was a parenting fail of course but an understandable one, it may well just let your DS realise how upset that behaviour made you. You need to have a talk to him about how he must not talk to you like that, absolutely not and move on from it. Apologise for slapping him, but expect an apology back from him for the verbal abuse.
FWIW my DD grew out of that horrible snarky phase of her life and is a lovely beautiful young lady now, im very proud of her.
Seriously...don't beat yourself up about it (pardon the pun ). If it was totally out of character for you, he will realise that he just crossed a line, in the same way as you know you have.
I would just say you are sorry and that shouldn't have happened (in a matter of fact way),but you felt hurt and angry at his disrespect, and now you are hurt because it made you lose control.
If there is a Next Time, I would walk away and refuse to speak to him,or be very cool towards him, for a while.
This thread is a real head shaker.
Some of the responses are incredible.
Obviously there is an underlying reason for his behavior op, and it isn't because he doesn't get assaulted by his mother enough. You understand that, you've said already that you know that slapping him was the wrong thing to do. You are going to apologize and try to make sense of it to him. You know what to do. I'm sorry this happened, I can imagine how awful you feel.
Maybe you can console yourself that this was a one-off and that your ds has the benefit of a mother who is reasonable enough to understand when she has made a mistake, unlike (by the sound of it) some other mners poor dc's.
You definitely should not assault your child.
But: why did he call you a bitch in the first place? I think you should try to resolve the original conflict.
I don't know. On the one hand, I can TOTALLY understand why you did it, and I may have done the same.
But. My mum is a face slapper. She would slap me for "insolent" comments, or, on one occasion, just because I was being moody. I ended up hating her, for years. I was also physically nervous around her. She has slapped me twice since I became a parent, so obviously still deals with anger in this way. The last time I slapped her back, which just made me utterly miserable actually.
I guess what I am saying is that it is never the answer, and there is something about a face slap that is just humiliating, and actually humiliating a teen is probably the worst thing you can do.
Disrespect from my dc is a massive button pusher for me, and I am not saying you should take this shit, but you need to find strategies to deal with your son, otherwise, what? Full on fights when he gets up the nerve to hit you back?
caff2 13 year old boys are hard work, my own DS who's the same age told me to piss off a few weeks ago. I was standing right next to him at the sink and slapped him on the arm. It was a v stupid thing to do especially at it was v soft and didn't hurt him at all but he was very shocked. When we both calmed down I told him that although I am the adult that I have feelings too and I don't always get things right. I explained that slapping him was wrong and it wouldn't happen again but if he ever spoke to me agin there would be sanctions. I did not actually apologise.
So he hasn't sworn at me again but he can still be a surly, grunty teenager.
Don't beat yourself up, you got something wrong but at least you recognise that and are thinking about strategies to deal with future problems which makes you a good mum and your son a lucky boy!
I can't believe people are saying he deserved it! Yes he was totally in the wrong and I can understand how OP lost her rag but slapping someone is just wrong and what is it teaching him about how to respond in a heated argument in his own relationships in future? That if his girlfriend says something awful she 'deserves' a slap and he should give her one? Of course OP should apologise, as should he for speaking to her in that way.
Tread carefully. My mum slapped me when I was that age, and was told in no uncertain terms that the next time she did it, she was getting the same back - and I meant it. You're showing him it's ok to turn to violence wheb you're provoked. That's a terrible lesson to teach.
Ps everyone - OP knows its not acceptable. She wouldn't have posted it otherwise.
My mum slapped me under similar circumstances when I was about 16 - and never mentioned it again. These things happen, but the important thing is to talk it through later - I wasn't right to slap you, and im bery sorry, but what you said made me feel very angry.
Good luck. It's okay for him to find your limit.
My mum slapped me when I was about 18 because she said I was being disrespectful about princess Diana dying (it was the day after). Don't actually know what I said or did to trigger the slap but Ive never forgotten it. whereas weirdly I know my dad used to smack us when we were children and being naughty but I can't remember any of those incidents.
Honestly, OP? He'll get over it and it might shock him into realising that he's behaving like a little shit. It certainly did to me when I (being a fucking horrible teen too and saying the same thing) got a slap from my mum. She burst into tears and I did too. I apologised to her and she apologised for the slap saying she'd lost her temper and she was sorry for that but I'd really hurt and upset her. I still was grounded and I respected her for not being weak and completely backing down after it.
I always knew never to do that again and behave in that way. Tbh, it was lucky it was my mum I said that too and not someone who could have turned around and beat seven shades of shit out of me.
'But this isn't a man and his wife it is a mother a son!! Big difference.'
No there isn't.
Slapping anyone is wrong (unless in self defence).
A bigger, stronger person who holds more power in the relationship hitting a smaller, weaker, less powerful person is very, very wrong.
Doing it in temper is understandable. We all make mistakes.
Justifying it is disgusting.
'her 13 year old needs to know that is unacceptable to behave in the way that he did.'
and he needs to know that it is unacceptable to behave in the way that she did. When he's 18 and his girlfriend tells him to fuck off it will not be acceptable for him to slap her. Because slapping people is not acceptable.
What MrsDavidBowie said.
My DM once screamed at me to 'stop being such a bitch'. I had hardly ever heard her swear. I had pushed her beyond reason with my shitty teenage behaviour, and I felt incredibly bad about it.
My DM apologised for what she said, but told me quite clearly that I had pushed her to it and my attitude needed to change before things got even worse. It had a huge ( positive) effect on my behaviour.
OP slapped him because she (momentarily) lost her temper - not to discipline him.
It's not ok to lash out at someone because they have wound you up. If someone else's 13 year old son had spoken to OP like that I doubt she would have slapped him. I agree that OP needs to apologise for the slapping and talk to him about his attitude.
You don't say what kind of slap it was - open hand to the face? Slap on the arm over clothes? Smack to the bottom over clothes? If it was to the face and he is marked in any way then you have assaulted him. I have seen many mother do this then be charged for assault. He would be within his rights to report you.
You must apologise to your son for losing your temper and you have to be adult and do this before expecting him to apologise to you. The you must find ways to walk away before you get to the point of doing this again in the future.
I accept that your DS was behaving very badly but violence is not the answer- even when provoked and it could lead you into a whole lot of trouble.
It happened. I think its understandable. If it was my I would apologise for hitting him would also expect an apology from him. We all know the mantra that its not the answer but shit happens, we deal with and move on. You reacted. Don't be too hard on yourself.
What biscuit said, if you came on here and said his father slapped him the hordes would be telling you to call police and social services.
Not judging you, just the double standards on here.
Hitting in self defense is one thing, but if a father hit his young daughter for calling him names would that get the same level of approval here? I doubt it.
Being a parent doesn't make you any more special than anyone else! I hate the view of 'your parents deserve complete respect'...erm, no, they are human just as I.
Words are words, if anyone told me to fuck off, I'd tell them to remove themselves from my presence and if they didn't, I'd walk off. Violence isn't an appropriate reaction, regardless!!
Apologise and work through it together
DF punched my sister when she was a late teen. To be fair she was physically pushing him and he was getting into a dangerous situation where he could have fallen from a height.
Our reaction as a family was to tell her to apologise to him, and that's before we knew the circumstances. There was just no way DF would have smacked or hit without reason.
I remember being slapped by my mother at 14ish for being a mounthy cow. I burst out laughing (the slap diffused the situation) and pointed out I was 4 inches taller than her and a stone heavier and could punch back and floor her. We agreed to try not to get to the hitting point again and we never have. She didn't apologise but I knew she hated physical violence.
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