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AIBU?

to be a bit upset about this? Regards friends...

18 replies

Ilovexmastime · 13/11/2013 14:41

My DH has had a serious health issue recently. I haven't told everyone about it, only those friends that I've actually seen, as it felt a bit weird to send an email round to those friends that I don't see often (mainly because they live a long way away) telling them about it, and I didn't want to post it on facebook either.

I have a group of old school friends who fall into this category, and I saw one of them recently and gave her permission to tell the others when she saw them. I've seen her again recently and she says that she'd told 3 of the other friends.... so AIBU to be a little bit upset that none of them have contacted me to ask after DH? Or is it my fault for not telling them myself?

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Jengnr · 13/11/2013 14:44

There's a good chance they either don't know how to approach you or don't know whether you want them to contact you.

If you hadn't told me yourself I'd be wondering if there was a reason why and maybe you didn't want me to intrude.

MaidOfStars · 13/11/2013 14:45

I think YABU. I understand your rationale but you've created an aura of secrecy around this. The friends may not know if you want to talk about it or be reminded of it. They may not even be clear on whether or not they should know.

SybilRamkin · 13/11/2013 14:49

YABU - I agree with other posters. Your friends probably think you don't want to talk about it because it upsets you.

But and [tea] for you, this must be a really difficult time - I wish your DH a speedy recovery.

ShatnersBassoon · 13/11/2013 14:55

They probably think they're not supposed to be privy to the information, so wouldn't want to land the messenger in trouble by letting you know they know.

WooWooOwl · 13/11/2013 14:56

Yabu. It would be perfectly natural for your friends to assume you don't want to discuss it with them because if you did want to, then you would have done so.

Ilovexmastime · 13/11/2013 15:00

Thanks for your responses, although I don't think I've created an aura of secrecy around it Maidofstars, I just haven't seen them to tell them, and I have asked another friend to pass the news on for me, which doesn't seem particularly secretive to me. Is it the done thing to send a round robin email/text when someone is ill then? Genuine question, not being snarky!

If I am BU though, how do I now tell them about it, while knowing that they already know?!

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Ilovexmastime · 13/11/2013 15:03

Thanks for the flowers btw Sybil :)

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MaidOfStars · 13/11/2013 15:19

Wasn't remotely suggesting that the aura of secrecy was intentional! It can be odd hearing stuff about someone via a mutual friend, even when said mutual friend has been charged with delivering the news.

Ilovexmastime · 13/11/2013 15:31

Ok, sorry MaidofStars, I must of misinterpreted you!

I suppose I just find it strange because if it were the other way round, I'd have sent a text/email saying something along the lines of "sorry to hear about DH, hope he's recovering ok, look forward to seeing you both when I'm in town next".

Must remember that not everyone is the same.... :)

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MaidOfStars · 13/11/2013 15:40

I think it may hinge on how the mutual friend told the others.

"Ilovexmastime wanted me to let you know that her husband has been ill" = I would text you.

"Did you know that Ilovexmastime's husband has been ill?" or "I'm sure she won't mind me saying but Ilovexmastime's husband has been ill" = I wouldn't text you (because I wouldn't be sure if I was supposed to know).

It may come down to just a few spoken words.

Ilovexmastime · 13/11/2013 15:48

That's true, although I did tell the mutual friend to tell them, she may not have passed that bit of the message on.

Ok, not so upset now, thanks!

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MaidOfStars · 13/11/2013 15:48

Also, I haven't said it yet, but I hope your husband is OK/going to be OK.

elskovs · 13/11/2013 15:51

Would you be able to give a clue as to what it is? Just because "serious" can mean life threatening, or just very painful but not dangerous, or if its a mental illness people wouldn't worry as much, although it would still be scary for you.

HaroldTheGoat · 13/11/2013 15:58

When you speak with them next just say you probably know already as I said x could mention it but DH has been ill

Hope your ok.

I'm sure it's something like that, I never mention anything heard second hand as you never know when your going to put your foot in it, and also as you hadn't mentioned it they may feel you don't want to talk about it either.

Situations like this are just so hard to call right, so I'd wait & see.

Ilovexmastime · 13/11/2013 20:27

Thanks all. He's going to be fine, it was a mini stroke and it was a huge shock, but also a wake up call to his unhealthy lifestyle (he's now given up smoking thank god).

I think I'm a bit upset because these are my oldest friends, who know me, and should know that I wouldn't be upset at all if they said something... I'm not the type to keep things to myself usually, it's just that in this instance I didn't really want to contact them out of the blue and announce what had happened, it felt a bit weird iykwim?

Ah well, I feel better for hearing your opinions, maybe I'm the weird one because I would have got in touch if it was the other way round :) but like I said above, it's a reminder that we don't all think the same!

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elskovs · 13/11/2013 20:40

Blimey that mustve been terrifying. Im the same as you I would have rung as soon as Id heard.

Im not surprised you feel hurt. I think you will find out at some point that it wasn't passed on in full. Agree that Chinese whispers can be unreliable.

Glad he is going to be fine, and well done for giving up smoking...he must be so proud of himself. I was :)

inkyfingers · 13/11/2013 21:41

What about an email to those you would want to know and who you were surprised not to hear from, saying what happened, how he's doing, thanks to those who have been in touch. It might only be 5 or 6 people. But better than putting it in a Xmas card

Ilovexmastime · 14/11/2013 11:31

Thanksgiving Elskovs, he said that giving up smoking was the easiest thing in the world after spending a night on the stroke ward, it scared the shit out of him. And well done you too! DH said he'd never of given up if it wasn't for the stroke, he enjoyed it far too much.

Inkyfingers, that's a good idea, I'll do that I think.

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