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to want to leave my job or am I being pathetic?

(27 Posts)
outsidein Thu 07-Nov-13 11:45:32

I really want to quit my (hated) job and go freelance, but of course building up a freelance business takes time and my DH wants me to stay in my 4-day a week job. But I'm just not coping with it at all and I don't know whether that's justified or whether I'm being pathetic.

My children are almost-3 and 9. Until the summer, my dh was studying and so had a lot more flexible time to help with getting children ready, being there at lunchtimes and in the evenings, sorting out the house etc. Now he is employed almost full time as well, so I get the children to school/nursery alone most days and two days a week my dd is at home alone over lunchtime (they come home for lunch where we live = nightmare!). I don't feel like she is getting enough attention with her homework etc, and don't like her being at home alone so much.

I don't like my job and find it very stressful. I am often in tears on my way to work and/or on my way home (and now, writing about it).

I know many many mothers of two manage to work full time and I don't know why I just can't cope with it at all. Maybe if I actually liked my job it would be different but I really don't. I was the breadwinner for 5 years and now that I'm not, my DH is loving have so much money but I just don't care about the money and want to feel alive again instead of this burnt out exhausted mess.

Just want some independent opinions on whether I am bu?

CoffeeTea103 Thu 07-Nov-13 11:48:59

I don't think that all those people who cope necessarily love their job, more of having no choice. Do you have a choice, in terms of financially could you afford to leave work and look for something else?
Have you discussed this with your DH? If so, what does he say?

Nevercan Thu 07-Nov-13 11:52:36

Crying on way to work is not good. What is it about your job you don't like? How will going freelance change this (I assume it is the same type of job)?

outsidein Thu 07-Nov-13 11:54:04

Well, financially we would go back to how it was for 5 years while mine was our only salary. It was hard but we made it. Having 2 salaries makes life easier and my DH wants to stay that way.

IslaValargeone Thu 07-Nov-13 11:54:30

Does your dh know that you are in tears on your way to work, or does he just think you are a bit fed up? If it's the latter then you really have to let him know how bad you feel.
I'm sure it is nice for your dh now that there is more money, but as long as you could cover your bills I would take the gamble and go freelance.
You feel your daughter isn't getting the attention she needs and you sound terribly unhappy, there is no amount of spendies worth that.

ConfusedPixie Thu 07-Nov-13 11:57:01

Do you think that you could put it like this to your DH:

He spent X amount of time studying in order to future his career and build a future for his career so now you need X time to do the same.

pregnantpause Thu 07-Nov-13 11:57:54

Yanbu. So you supported your dh through studying to get his job and he won't support you to build up a freelance business for you?
Not everyone has the option to quit a hated job (me included- I have nightmares about work and frequently vomit in work through stresssad ) if you can afford it and have an option of freelance quit. God knows I would.

outsidein Thu 07-Nov-13 12:05:07

He does know how bad I am feeling, but I think he believes I am making a mountain out of a molehill. I work in a very corporate pharma company in a department with big politics, and the expectation of constant networking and pushing yourself forward which is not me at all, I'm a total introvert. Going freelance would at least save me from office politics and commuting and I wouldn't be stuck in an office for 9 hours a day with constant interruptions and meetings. I know that freelance is not an easy way out and have looked into it in depth.

"He spent X amount of time studying in order to future his career and build a future for his career so now you need X time to do the same." YES and this was always the plan but now that the time is here, somehow the plan has changed (at least in his head)?????

Pregnantpause - that's awful that you are so stressed sad is there no way you could at least change jobs?

LifeofPo Thu 07-Nov-13 12:13:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mignonette Thu 07-Nov-13 12:14:52

To be honest your DH needs to believe that you are 'making a mountain out of a molehill' because otherwise he would have to accept that you are having to do too much. By dismissing your profound unhappiness, he can tell himself that he is not ignoring your feelings ^because they aren't as bad as you make out'.

Time to sit him down and play the absolute truth game. Tell him you want the time and space he had. Tell him that marriage is a partnership.

I have just handed my notice in after nearly three decades in the same profession. I need some time and space to do other things. I feel guilty too about my patients and leaving my profession. So I do sympathise.

Crying on your way to and from work? Exhaustion? Guilt? I know what I am hearing. You need to show him this thread and really tell him the truth. Then sit down, work out your budgets and make a joint plan as to what you need to do freelance, how to achieve it and a projected goal re income/clients and household responsibilities.

Is he feeling guilty about the homework? If not, why not? Can he negotiate time to do the nursery/school run? If you are going freelance there is a danger that this will be seen as 'free to do all the house stuff/child care' because you are at home. Firm boundaries need to be in place to ensure that this is not so as it is likely you will need even more time initially to get started.

Good luck.

outsidein Thu 07-Nov-13 12:17:04

Thanks LifeofPo. It's good to hear from someone who has done it. Perhaps I can push the "free to concentrate on his job" angle to my DH.

YukonHo Thu 07-Nov-13 12:22:04

Can you compromise and take your hours down to 3 or 2 days and then spend the other 1-2 doing freelance.

LifeofPo Thu 07-Nov-13 12:22:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

outsidein Thu 07-Nov-13 12:22:57

Crossposted with you Mignonette. Thankyou as well and you are absolutely right. Especially what you say about firm boundaries.
He tends to expect the children to be far far more mature than they're capable of being and for DD to remember to do her homework, clean her room, remember all the things she has to do etc without any input from an adult. She's only 9!

outsidein Thu 07-Nov-13 12:23:53

Sadly reducing my hours isn't possible, I'm already pushing the envelope being allowed to work 80%.

nulgirl Thu 07-Nov-13 12:24:58

I know that you have explored going freelance but is this really a feasible option for you? You say in your post that you are a complete introvert and hate networking etc. This type activity is a huge part of freelancing as you need to constantly work on building up your network and selling yourself. It is much easier to be low profile as an employee in a big organisation.

Have you considered looking for a role in a company which is less political? You should also investigate other childcare options as it doesn't seem appropriate for a 10 year old to be home alone. What do other working parents at the school do?

PrimalLass Thu 07-Nov-13 12:25:58

I'm freelance (editorial). It has taken a while to get going, mainly because I had a toddler, a preschooler, move house, coordinated building work, was on the wrong thyroid meds ... Now both kids are at school it is much easier to mumsnet get work done during school hours.

Can you cut down to three days and spend the other two starting your business?

If you are going freelance there is a danger that this will be seen as 'free to do all the house stuff/child care' because you are at home.

We have daily bickers about this. OH thinks I should do all the cleaning, kids stuff, cooking etc., even though I am 'at work'. It makes me hate him a little everyday thb.

pregnantpause Thu 07-Nov-13 12:27:09

Well he's coming across as very selfish. If that was the plan stick to it. It sounds like you are well researched and willing to put effort into it, he got his now you take yours. Greed is unattractive in anyone, selfishness equally so. Remind him of the fact that you supported him and now it's time he supported you.

I unfortunately am well paid and entirely unskilled. I cannot leave my job as any equal job elsewhere would pay half as much. I work for a large and considerably corrupted business, where we are told not to tell strangers where we work for fear of attack. But the company pay and benefits are such that they have waiting lists for jobs. I am happy though, I can now se perate work and home (apart from when i'm asleep) so I won't complain or think about it when i'm at home and I take some money out each week of my wage and spend it on family stuff to remind me why I do it- so we will go to the farm on my wage, or the cinema, or I will buy the girls a toy and see them smile and play and it makes it better.

happybubblebrain Thu 07-Nov-13 12:40:03

Hi Outsidein

I really sympathise with you as I'm in a similar position. I will watch and see what everyone else has to say and listen to any good advice also.

My situtation is a little bit more dire as I'm a single mum with no support and I'm currently being targeted and bullied at work, so things are very stressful.

I used to work freelance and I could possibly do that again, but I really want to start up my own small business. I think I could make it work, but I'm worried in case it doesn't. I've been in my current job so long and haven't been well-treated so my confidence is not good. The longer I stay the worse it will get. Sorry for the hijack.

I'm sure there are many, many people in our position, who don't like their job and would love to work for themselves. It's just the fear of the unknown and the worry that it might not work. As far as your husband is concerned, I think he should support you in whatever you decide. If it doesn't work out, you could get another job you enjoy more than your current one.

Kerosene Thu 07-Nov-13 12:41:25

I've worked in similar circumstances - the very idea of going to work made me unwell. The job was fine and the work was ideal, but the politics and management were intolerable. I ended up taking a maternity contract to get away from them, and it was the best move I could possibly have made - mental, physical and financial health, all have improved since leaving that poison pit. You've my sympathy, and I'd never hesitate to tell someone to walk away from that - it's absolutely time for a new job.
Whether freelancing is the right option is a separate question - successful freelancing is (usually - not sure which aspect of Pharma you're in) all about networking to make the contacts to get your next contract. Why freelancing vs job-hunting in general?

PolyesterBride Thu 07-Nov-13 12:42:16

If you can afford it, even if it's only just, I think you should give it a go. I know how you feel about work - I also do four days while my DH works full time and I feel constantly stressed and exhausted. I also feel really guilty about not being around for my children. Financially I can't give up work but I still think about it all the time. But I like my job. I can't imagine how strong that feeling would be if I didn't. Try going freelance and if it doesn't work out, go back into employment after a couple of years.

outsidein Thu 07-Nov-13 12:43:10

Nulgirl you make excellent points smile Yes I am an introvert but I am not shy. I like to spend time alone and work to my own rhythm. I hate the type of networking that involves having lunch with a different person every day and pushing forward in the company but I'm ok with selling myself and my work when necessary. I have worked freelance on a couple of previous occasions in my life and I think I can make a success of it again, especially as my income would be additional rather than necessary iycwim.

I know juggling child care and house stuff will be tough. But it already is and at least I would have more peace of mind knowing that the kids ARE actually being taken care of (even when he is there with them he is almost always on the computer working/playing and he just lets them watch TV).

outsidein Thu 07-Nov-13 12:51:09

Ok you have all convinced me that IANBU to want to leave my job but maybe I could also look for a less-hours/less-stress position rather than going immediately freelance.

nulgirl Fri 08-Nov-13 20:29:05

Glad things are seeming clearer and you're starting to make decisions. Good luck with the job search and you seem to have a good back-stop of going freelance if you can't find the perfect job.

mrsjay Fri 08-Nov-13 20:32:53

my dh just went for an interview today and the pay cut is quite substantial but the poor man was miserable and quite down about going to work money isn't everything if you can manage then I think you should go for it, he is intending to do some work on his days off too (he is a plumber/gas fitter) maybe try and get another job as sugegsted but work at getting your freelancing up and running

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