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AIBU to be suspicious about late night phone call?

(57 Posts)
AlisonBurgers Fri 27-Sep-13 00:45:02

I can't work out if I am being a paranoid idiot so need some opinions on what you would think/do if you were in my shoes...

After a argument via phone in which my boyfriend (of 8 years) said some hurtful things to me, he came over to apologise and stay the night. We were lying in bed when at 10pm his mobile started to ring. He practically leapt out of bed to turn it off. I asked him why he didn't answer it and he claimed he is constantly getting unsolicited calls from salespeople and the like. I'd seen the number on the screen and it was a mobile number i.e. no name attached to it.

I've got a niggling doubt about this as:
1) He has kids and therefore never turns his phone off in case of some child-related emergency. In which case surely you'd answer an unexpected call?
2) Do people really get calls like that so late in the evening? He showed me some PPI related text to prove his point - well yes I get texts like that but not late night phone calls so I didn't see how that helped explain things.
3) He cheated on me in the early days of our relationship - I forgave him because we were going through a rocky patch, and I'm a bloody doormat

I wish I could talk it through with a friend but don't really want to sour their opinions of him if it's just a daft paranoia trip sad

TheTruffleHunter Fri 27-Sep-13 10:13:34

You've been dating for 8 years and living together doesn't even appear to be on the table... What do you really want from a relationship?

AlisonBurgers Fri 27-Sep-13 12:38:50

I like my own space Truffle, co-habiting doesn't appeal even when things are going well. Quite a lot of people find that strange but it's just the way I feel. It's not been an issue for us, we still see each other pretty much every day.

I'm going to have to speak to him tonight and explain how I am feeling about the phone call and the shitty behaviour. As much as I resent having to turn into bloody Columbo to find out whether he is cheating, I think I'm going to have to ask him for the number so I can call it and put my mind at rest (or not) on that score. I suspect he'll tell me the number is now deleted in which case I'm going to ask him to log-in to his phone account and show me the records there. How bloody ridiculous.

Ledkr Fri 27-Sep-13 13:24:48

I don't blame you.
To me if you are committed to someone you don't mind proving something to make them feel reassured, especially after what he's said.
I hope it's nothing bad though

Nancy66 Fri 27-Sep-13 13:36:43

Alison - why bother though?

That phone call was dodgy. I'll put my money on it. But there's no way he will admit it, he'll turn it around on you. You're mad, you're obsessive, you're paranoid.

If you think he's cheating and he prob is as he's done it before then why offer him the chance to justify it?

YouHaveAGoodPoint Fri 27-Sep-13 13:40:04

I also would bother with the phone call. He would never admit if it were dodgy. I would address his nasty comments though.

phantomnamechanger Fri 27-Sep-13 13:47:49

so the phone rang, and he did not answer it and said he did not know who it was - well, you know him and we don't - is he a liar? defensive?- I would be more concerned had he gone off on his own to return the call TBH, and would not say who it was.

OP, what do you do about the fact that he can phone/meet whoever he likes when you are not there - does that worry you too?

the comments about not even missing you are just horrible though - do you need to be with someone who thinks so little of you?

EllaFitzgerald Fri 27-Sep-13 13:51:15

I definitely don't think you're being paranoid.

PPI people don't call at 10pm. And if it was just an ordinary mobile number, as you saw, then why wouldn't he answer it if he keeps his phone on because of his children? Why would he react so quickly if it was just a random call? It could be completely innocent, with a rational explanation, but his behaviour certainly isn't suggesting that.

As others have said, he's likely to deny it if he has done something wrong. But if you've reached the stage where he's being so horrible to you and you're suspicious of his behaviour, is this a relationship that makes you happy anymore?

Edendance Fri 27-Sep-13 14:00:21

It sounds like he's trying to push you away so you end it and he can possibly be with someone else... Sorry but I think your instinct is correct. And like others have said- the not missing you comment would be enough for me tbh.

AlisonBurgers Fri 27-Sep-13 14:07:31

I feel that finding out about the call will confirm whether he is cheating on me - that's really important for me to know for sure. He may well deny it, but the phone records will confirm whether it was an actual person that he's been regularly in touch with.

He apologised for the comment, and I'd accepted the apology, but then the phone call happened later that day which made me re-think what he'd said to me. He only came to see me that night because I'd been upset about the comment - now I'm thinking he is seeing someone else, he'd decided he "didn't miss" me and therefore wouldn't see me that night, whoever he is seeing therefore expected him to be home and called him.

In case you haven't guessed I'm a total overthinker! A trait that makes it hard for me to separate the obvious from the imagined, which is why I ended up posting on mumsnet - I'm pleased I did it's helped show me I'm not being completely daft.

Finola1step Fri 27-Sep-13 14:18:00

Sounds like there is another woman in this relationship in some shape or form. He could be doing the old testing the waters with new woman but won't dump you yet just in case the grass isn't as green or the sex with her is a bit shit . Sorry to be so blunt, but it sounds like he's putting you on the back burner and maybe even trying to make it easier for himself by getting you to dump him.

TheTruffleHunter Fri 27-Sep-13 14:20:35

Just a thought - if it is dodgy and someone known to him then surely he would have the number saved somewhere, even if it was saved as 'Dave'

MissStrawberry Fri 27-Sep-13 14:26:21

Did you see the first few digits? I have been getting junk calls and they all start 0700 though I have had one starting 0843.

AlisonBurgers Fri 27-Sep-13 14:48:07

I've spoken to him on the phone and explained how I am feeling and my suspicions. He says he understands why I feel like that but that he loves me and doesn't want our relationship to end. He's denied that there is someone else. I've not mentioned about seeing phone records yet, I'll do that in person and ask him to log-in to his account when I am there.

I see what you mean truffle but if I see that he called "Dave" on the day of our argument, or if "Dave" called him at 10pm that night - then him and "Dave" can live happily ever after together while I move on.

Just glanced at the number MissStrawberry - it looked like a normal mobile number to me, def not 0843.

AlisonBurgers Fri 27-Sep-13 14:50:12

Ah truffle now I really do see what you mean - yes I guess he would save a number under a name to make it look less dodgy. My Columbo act should get some answers anyway.

bedhaven Fri 27-Sep-13 15:38:09

It's against telecommunication regulations for any call centre to call that late so highly unlikely to be one.

YouHaveAGoodPoint Fri 27-Sep-13 16:54:46

bedhevan. Unfortunately, some companies that are based overseas still call in the middle of the night so technically it is still possible it was a spam call.
I recently had a run of middle of the night calls from an Indian call centre. sad

MikeOxard Fri 27-Sep-13 17:13:24

Tbh I would ditch him anyway from the relationship and behaviour you describe, it sounds shit tbh. X

MissStrawberry Fri 27-Sep-13 17:20:04

If it was a cold caller you can put it in google and it will tell you.

loopylou6 Fri 27-Sep-13 17:25:21

trust your instinct. his not missing you comment would be a deal breaker tbh.

MammaTJ Fri 27-Sep-13 17:30:26

When my exH was cheating he did not store the OWs number on his phone at all! I think he rang and text her so much he knew it off by heart!

pleasesleepallnight Fri 27-Sep-13 17:31:59

I work in a call centre for a large, well known company and in occasion make outgoing calls to customers. We are not allowed to call before 10am or after 8pm and I'm pretty sure these are OFCOM regs so I'd be surprised if it was a telesales call that late at night.

Rooners Fri 27-Sep-13 17:36:36

You don't need to are quite within your rights to assume he is being an unfaithful twat. You'll never get the truth out of him anyway and does it matter? He is clearly lying, well I think so anyway - sorry. It is such classic behaviour and he's not even trying to pretend he cares about you.

I think he is doing the thing of making you angry, starting rows, being hurtful, in the hope you leave him and then he has got away with not being shouted at for dumping you.

Strange logic but very common. What an arsehole. I'd just pack his stuff (if there is any) and bung it on the doorstep and tell him to get to fuck. Refuse to even discuss it.

There's no rule that says you have to give this jerk another minute of your life.

Rooners Fri 27-Sep-13 17:37:28

Oh and then he gets to play victim to himself and to the OW.

Poor him <sob>

YouHaveAGoodPoint Fri 27-Sep-13 17:38:37

Uk companies and scammers are not allowed to make calls at night time but overseas ones ignore any legislation and can and do call.

AlisonBurgers Fri 27-Sep-13 18:14:09

Multiple phone calls later - I've told him that seeing the phone records will put my mind at rest.

- At first he said he understood.
- Then he said he doesn't have the log-in (I've said that he can arrange for another log-in).
- Then he said does it have to be done tonight as he is tired (Yes it does).
- Then he said he finds it very disappointing that I feel that is necessary.

I've got a headache from it all. I'm going to persist though.

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