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AIBU to expect my ex to wash the kids uniforms on the w/es he has them?!

(63 Posts)
Gossipmonster Sun 22-Sep-13 21:13:26

Background - been divorced for 7/8 yrs.

Great relationship until he met new partner has been with her 5 yrs and she has 11 yr old DD (so she has a school uniform).

She has meddled and stirred over the yrs to the point that Ex H and I no longer speak and the kids hate her (solely because she is mean to them). They choose to go in spite if her to have a relationship with their dad. They are 14 and 16 so old enough to choose although sometimes I feel they are going into a borderline mental abuse situation sad.

He has always refused to wash the kids uniforms when he has them. He even stops off here at home so they can leave their uniform here for me to wash. I have asked a few times for him to wash them when I have been going away but the kids have always come back saying he's said the washing machine broken/they have done their mixed/white wash this week so the uniforms are still dirty. hmm.

OH was here (we have 5 of our kids here every other weekend 2 DSDs who I would not dream of sending back to their mum with dirty clothes) when they stopped in on Friday and made them take their uniforms (it's 6 items of clothing) as we were going away.

They have returned saying their dad told them Friday night he didn't have time to do them although the kids watched him wash and iron her DDS uniform confused so now I have to send 2 teenagers to school tomorrow wearing jumpers they have worn for a week probably stinking and dirty on school photo day (they are woollen and new so don't want to risk tumble drying tonight and I could only afford to buy them 1 jumper each).

I just cannot understand why he needs to be such a dick and how she a mother herself could deliberately not wash her step children's clothes sad.

3littlefrogs Sun 22-Sep-13 23:17:32

On a purely practical level, I would suggest that your DC wash their uniforms as soon as they come in the door on a Thursday evening. They will be dry by the morning and will only have one day's worth of dirt on them by the following Monday.

I tend to wash all DD's school shirts midweek and hang them up. They don't need ironing if they go on a slow spin and then straight on hangers.

I realise that your ex should be washing the uniforms, but it isn't going to happen so you need to just remove the problem.

WafflyVersatile Sun 22-Sep-13 23:09:50

Fair enough.

I'm not sure there is anything you can do to get him to stand up to her so you may have to just wait until they don't want to go or he realises he wants to and is able to leave her.

Gossipmonster Sun 22-Sep-13 22:59:19

I would never involve them to that degree.

I think she makes him bribe them to not tell me stuff about what happens there.

I long for the day they no longer want to go - they are such fab kids and so loyal to their dad.

WafflyVersatile Sun 22-Sep-13 22:57:34

Of course she does. sad

Can you get one of you kids to pass it to him ONLY IF THE CHANCE ARISES WHERE SHE WON'T KNOW?

Gossipmonster Sun 22-Sep-13 22:51:18

She always comes with him and they sit in the car outside and he texts the kids to tell them he's here.

I work FT so am often not here anyway.

He has zero respect for my opinion anymore and she has convinced him I am a "physco" sad.

WafflyVersatile Sun 22-Sep-13 22:49:40

I'm guessing these are all just excuses because he can't say 'new partner won't let me'.

WafflyVersatile Sun 22-Sep-13 22:48:37

Does he spend any time in your house when picking up etc? Any chance you can do something like pass him a tick list of red flags with a contact number for mankind helpline and suggest he reads it and bins it on his way home?

Gossipmonster Sun 22-Sep-13 22:44:59

WafflyVersatike - Yes that's what I think - and so do the kids sad.

WafflyVersatile Sun 22-Sep-13 22:43:32

Have people all missed the bit where he washes and irons his DSD's uniform but not his own kids?

It sounds like he's landed himself in an abusive relationship. Not sure what you can do to change that though.

Gossipmonster Sun 22-Sep-13 22:43:25

basgetti that's actually really funny grin TWAT!

basgetti Sun 22-Sep-13 22:41:53

YANBU. My ExP always washes DS' uniform on his weekends and sends it back clean and folded in his bag. But that is because he is a reasonable human being.

The fact that your Ex probably spends longer dropping the laundry off to you than it would take to stick it in the machine with his family washing makes him sound even more twattish.

Gossipmonster Sun 22-Sep-13 22:39:51


Best approach is to be the bigger person and behave like an adult.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Sun 22-Sep-13 22:37:49

SM's don't know that though til it's too late!

Too risky, and horrid for the DSCs to witness - best approach is "I'm doing nothing, cos then at least I'm doing nothing wrong" wink

pumpkinsweetie Sun 22-Sep-13 22:34:47

Yanbu, He should wash them, one day a week and cba to wash his own kids clothesshock Disgrace of a man!

ThisWayForCrazy Sun 22-Sep-13 22:34:39

China, I think that may be a minority. All parents I know of would accept the step parents help in this situation. Including myself.

Gossipmonster Sun 22-Sep-13 22:33:44

ChinaCupsandSaucers I am not she.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Sun 22-Sep-13 22:32:33

YABU - because DP and I were screamed at and abused by my DSC mum (in front of them) for daring to touch their clothing, let alone wash it.

I tell all SMs that they have to resist the temptation to help out in any way - it's not welcomed by DSC mum and its best not to upset them!

Gossipmonster Sun 22-Sep-13 22:29:08

Yes but Solve I would behave like a grown up when it came down to the kids - hence me not sending the kids with just their uniform next time like I really want to to punish HIM not THEM.

Darkesteyes Sun 22-Sep-13 22:26:10

Good point solve.

solveproblem Sun 22-Sep-13 22:07:57

I'm going to sound a bit twatish here (for the record I don't have any stepchildren) but I sometimes refuse to do things I think my DH can do himself just out of principle.
I let DHs pants and socks pile up on the landing until he realises they're not going to fly to the laundry basket themselves.

Maybe your ex and partner are having some issues and she is deliberately not doing this washing for them as she thinks it's his responsibility and she shouldn't have to do it? Or does not ever do any washing that has not been put in the basket (like me) and your DCs nor their dad are putting the items there?

Either way, your ex should do the washing or at least let the children do it themselves.

Gossipmonster Sun 22-Sep-13 22:04:55

The way I see it I chose to be with a guy who has 3 DCs therefore it is my job to facilitate that relationship and support him in that.

they did not choose to be in this situation - I did. Sometimes its bloody hard but I am an adult and they are children.

I also feel that it's healthy for his DCs to see that I respect their mum and that we are friendly - therefore yes relationships end but it doesn't mean it's negative.

I also genuinely love my step children and enjoy my relationship with them and enjoy seeing how lovely all 6 of our children are to each other when they are together. I love having a big family and loads of washing/cooking is part of that.

In contrast I think my kids are an annoyance to their step-mum - one of my kids (not ex's biologically but he has brought him up since he was 3 months old and allowed him to call him dad) has been totally cut out of his life. I know my DS sometimes tries to call humans he won't even speak to him.

I feel a bit like he is in a domestic abuse situation and isn't "allowed" any say in his parenting sad.

ThisWayForCrazy Sun 22-Sep-13 21:51:05


NachoAddict Sun 22-Sep-13 21:50:52

darkesteyes if I were ill then dp would be doing all of hr washing and I would remind him to make sure dsd's was included. There are 6 of us so it would be easy to miss as there is usually more than enough of each type of washing for a load.

Dp doesn't expect me to wash dsd's clothes but I do the family washing, dsd is part of the family. It would be ridiculous for me to separate it out on the basis of wether I gave birth to her. I also wash the clothes of any of our nieces & nephews who stay with us and make sure all children are returned to their parents bathed.

oh and I polish dsd shoes and iron labels into her stuff too. Just as I do for my own kids.

ThisWayForCrazy Sun 22-Sep-13 21:50:46

Aww thank you alldirections smile

One of my DSDs lives with me. Wonder how it would work if I didn't do his washing...

Darkesteyes Sun 22-Sep-13 21:43:31

I think its bloody ridiculous.

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