I've name-changed as I'm deeply ashamed to admit that I'm struggling so much.
I had a baby 6 weeks ago and I find myself feeling totally alone in parenthood. I'm married to a very considerate, caring man and have a big supportive family so I shouldn't be feeling like this but I just am.
It's culminated tonight as my husband's been working away and just got back yesterday. So he spent yesterday working from home. There wasn't much to do so he took the baby a few times but only when the baby was happy or sleeping, as soon as he started grizzling my husband suddenly had to make a call in the other room, or go to the toilet, or do something, anything other than settle the baby. He's not always like this though and in the first 2 weeks would regularly take him when he was crying.
Last night my husband had the baby, who was awake but happy and content, so I asked if he minded me going to bed (I feel like I have to ask if I'm allowed to leave the baby with him, because it;s my responsibility really). He started making all these passive aggressive comments about how he was tired too (despite being away in a quiet hotel for the last 3 nights getting undisturbed sleep).
I am awake now after getting up every hour since midnight to feed, change or comfort the baby. The last time I changed him I got through 3 nappies as he kept immediately shitting in each new one I put on. Then he pissed all over me and the floor and the changing table, then sicked on his new piss free clothes. All the time grizzling loudly. My husband slept through all of this. At the last shit I just sat down and started crying, covered in baby-piss and leaking milk all over myself. My husband woke to ask if I was ok, but immediately went back to sleep before I could answer. I feel like this just sums it all up - he'll sound very concerned and helpful but when it comes down to it he either can't or won't help me. But he does have to work during the day whereas I'm on maternity so I know that it's my job to do all the night stuff and not his.
I don't even feel like it's me and the baby "in it together", if you know what I mean. Sometimes I look at him and I just see this little alien. It's an awful thing to say about my own son but sometimes he really creeps me out. I do love him and I feel so terrible and guilty for feeling like this but sometimes I just want to be able to give him to my husband and have a night off but I can't.
I know it's not really my husband's fault because he has to work, and he can't feed him or comfort him like I can, and I know it's not my baby's fault for needing feeding or comforting, but I just wish one of them would give me a break. And then I feel horrible for thinking that because I should be able to do this on my own, my mother could, and millions of other women do. Anyway, it's 7am and I haven't slept and I'm rambling.
Thank you for reading, if you got this far.
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To feel like I'm doing this on my own
39 replies
pissedandsickedon · 13/09/2013 06:56
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