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To think i should have met her by now

(59 Posts)
DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 21:01:31

Brief outline

DD is from my previous relationship. She lives with her Dad, private arrangement, quite happy with this as it means a better education for her and she also has additional needs.

I have my son (2) with my partner and i am expecting number 3, currently 6 months pregnant.

Ex has a partner, They got together some time in 2011. Married last year, newly expecting a baby.

I've never met this woman. I've never even spoken to her (I have tried).

Is this normal? AIBU to be miffed that i haven't met her?

Ex and i don't get on, he likes to exaggerate things and has implied that he is in someway frightened of me physically (I have no idea why, i have never been violent, and he is much bigger and stronger than me and capable of restraining me anyway as he has proven in the past when i ran off from him once).

Since october 2011 we have had two disagreements regarding his wife. The first when he told me about the relationship. I was on the toilet having contractions pre term with my son when he decided to contact me to tell me this all important ground breaking news - I really do not know why he did this, he knew how far i was as i had reminded him the day before that i was at the stage things started with our daughter. He knew i was highly stressed about another premature birth. So when he contacted me bothering me i swore at him quite a lot. I did apologise later.

The second was around a year later, so almost a year ago now. After waiting for over a year to be introduced or acknowledged, I tried to contact his wife, and found something i didn't like online and i had a bit of a gob off at him for it. I did later apologise and explained that i was feeling insecure about the whole situation and i accepted i should have handled it better.

We had a disagreement at a hospital appointment but that was nothing to do with his wife, That was to do with him pushing me over and generally acting like a brat.

Would you expect to have had some form of contact by now? Even just an email?

My partner feels it is weird and he feels a bit, i don't know the word, But he doesn't feel they've been very fair, given we were open and honest with my ex and ensured he had the opportunity to know who his daughter spends time with, My partner introduced himself to my ex etc.

I don't expect her to be my new best friend or have any sort of relationship but i just feel odd that i know nothing about her. I only know her real name because his brother has mentioned it, My ex encourages our daughter to use some sort of pet name for her, and ex refers to her the same in any email where he has mentioned her (Like when he told me they were in a relationship).


OHforDUCKScake Fri 30-Aug-13 22:53:35

My 2 year likes to throw his head back and head or eye butt me too.

Lovely isnt it. Little buggers.

DizzyZebra Fri 30-Aug-13 22:54:07

Ohforduckssake - Thanks smile I didn't think you were patronising.

I didn't google her i just put it in to facebook and it was the first result (We have mutual friends apparently, didn't know this at the time though).

I think you're right though, I've already said a bit more than i'm comfortable with so people digging isn't going to help and i probably shouldn't have posted if i wasn't willing to talk about all of it because i can see how that makes it hard to judge.

waltermittymissus Fri 30-Aug-13 23:07:02

I wasn't digging, just pointing out that there was an underlying situation. confused

SeaSickSal Fri 30-Aug-13 23:14:37

OhforDucksSake, I would have googled for her and searched for her on facebook too.

What I would not have done was go apeshit about what I saw then phoned my ex to rant about it.

It's the ringing and ranting that caused the problem.

Fairy1303 Fri 30-Aug-13 23:24:00

My DSD lives with me and my DH.
her mother was not bothered about meeting me and we certainly did not have any structured meeting but I find it extremely odd that you can have got this far without meeting her.

I don't want to project my own issues onto you but I don't know how you can have NOT met her. Honestly I would have popped round on the most tenuous of excuses to meet the woman who was living with my child.

Fairy1303 Fri 30-Aug-13 23:26:02

Sorry meant to add that although she wasn't bothered and there wasn't ever a structured meeting we met by default - how could we not?

mynameismskane Fri 30-Aug-13 23:43:52

He sounds a bit odd. Are you really happy him having residency? Is your daughter happier there than with you?

AlmostPerfect Sat 31-Aug-13 07:21:21

Tbf if my ex started seeing someone, an a year later i still hadn't met them i would also google them. I like to know who is around my children, what sort of influence they could be having, an if i found that said person works as a prositute, has convictions for anything dodgy etc i wouldnt be happy either, so not knowing what op found cant really judge.
My ex has intoduced 2 girlfriends to me, the 2 our ds has had contact with. The first one i got v good friends with, an the one hes with now is a lovely woman who cares v much about ds. If your daughter likes her then its a good sign, maybe take card & new baby gift when lo arrives, she is your dds sibling & excuse to meet

nooka Sat 31-Aug-13 07:42:07

It seems to me that the no contact with the ex's wife is a side effect of essentially having no contact with your ex. And yes that does seem unusual, however I can't see how you would have met his wife if you don't see your ex any more. I can understand your unhappiness at not knowing who is in your dd's life but it does sound as if the dynamics between you and your ex are not the most healthy, and resolving that (if possible) might normalise things a bit.

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