Contact changes?

[benfoldsfive]

Hi,

Presently ( 4, nearly 5 year arrangement) my husband has had 1 evening of midweek access (3 hours) and Friday after school until Saturday at 4 and then Saturday at 4 until Sunday at 4 alternate weeks.

He now wishes to change weekend contact to fortnightly Friday 4 o'clock until Sunday at 4 and then a weekend off.

He states this would allow him to do more things with the children and have better quality time with them.

He hasn't asked them - he doesn't think they should have a voice, but i have and they are conflicted ( they are 10, 8 and 6 years). Not over the moon but the objects they have are not notable either

I object to this because they do not have correct sleeping arrangements i.e topping and tailing or on the floor. We have a massive clash in parenting styles i.e bed time at 10 o'clock, crap diet but i understand i just have to get on with it and get over it.

The main objection i have is i work late (untill 9 o'clock) on a thursday and friday evening. He refuses to change his mid week wednesday contact - so this means i will not see my children - bar an hour before school - Wednesday, Thursday, Friday,Saturday and Sunday Until 4 - the week he proposes the change. Even if he dropped the Wednesday it is still a very long time for me not to have meaningful contact. I am on a 3 year contract and the Thursday and friday lates are immovable - the rest of the week is flexi time.

I am also pregnant with there half sibling and don't believe it to be in my unborn childs or thier best interest to be separated from siblings for this long (I am aware this is all very selfish)

I am reluctant to change because we both get an equal time with them at the moment and it works well. He has said unless i agree he is filing court papers next week.

I am worried that i am being selfish and i don't want to go to court if he is indeed right and my objects, due to working hours and irrelevant.

What are the chances that his proposal will be changed, given the children are not particularly bothered either way?

[MissMarplesBloomers]

Sounds unduly complicated TBH.

Courts usually agree to EOW & one midweek night with roughly half the holidays each as a start.

As you work a Thurs anyway why can't that be his midweek night?

I presume you have a new DP/DH or someone else to help with childcare on those late evenings. You will be going on mat leave pretty soon so that might ease things.

Wouldn't it be nice for you BOTH to have a complete w/e with the kids then one off?

Sorry if I've got the details round my neck 'tis late!

Sure someone with more experience will advise soon! Good luck.

[BlackeyedSusan]

why not negotiate? he gets every other weekend. midweek changes to thursday or tuesday. you both get something that suits.

[Montybojangles]

Yabu

[mynewpassion]

Start negotiating.

[benfoldsfive]

Thanks guys. I have tried to negotiate but the refuses to move his mid week contact ( he doesn't work) we also can't do mediation due to his history of dv and abusive/aggressive language.

I just want to avoid being heavily pregnant and in court.

[Hissy]

.. which is exactly why he's doing this now.

If he won't negotiate, then don't change it.

You have more power than you think.

[RandomMess]

What Hissy said.

[RobotHamster]

Why won't he budge on the midweek night?

[MissMarplesBloomers]

Court won't happen overnight.

Offer him alternatives that suit you in writing by email to show you have tried to be flexible (evidence for court)

As Hissy says you have more power than you think, if he wants to go to court then tell him to go ahead. I'm sure you can ask for an adjournment on medical grounds if it's towards the end of your pregnancy.

You are working he isn't & he isn't being reasonable, the court will see that.

Good luck it is SO stressful, but remember this contact is for the DC's benefit NOT his. If you keep saying that in any written communications, he can't accuse you of being selfish (which you aren't but he'll sieze any ammo to say so I bet)

[Hissy]

You were a victim of abuse, you had your power removed, by him, and probably before that, by your family/background.

You're free now. Try flexing a bit of your muscle, and see how it feels.

Try using the phrase 'No, that doesn't work for us' and then repeat No, as and when needed.

I agree, no court'll drag you in. Which will further stick a legal 2-fingers up at him.

Seriously, you are rock hard, able and more than capable at seeing off this weak, insignificant and impotent, yappy little dog.

Set yourself a task to flex your control, and do it.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

And if he has no job unless he has independent funds he will not be able to easily take you to court.

Legal aid has been removed for family law matters inc child contact unless you are the victim of DV so if your income says you qualify you will get it, he won't.

[Tortoisegirl]

When I seperated from my DD's dad, a friend's husband gave me some good advice re contact (he is/was a family law barrister!).
I was concerned about the every other week usual arrangement as my ex lived 3 hours away and my DD was 2yo, just too long in a car. He said that whatever you suggest you have to show you are being "reasonable", A this is what the courts are looking for. So we went for one weekend in 3 and one overnight a week. Ex was always about during the week as company had offices nearby and near his home. This arrangement has worked for 10 years now!
My point is that if he has asked for alternate weekends, then your request to move the mid week is entirely reasonable. Don't back down on this, but be calmly firm that that is what he has to give back to you. If he threatened court than that is OK as well as they prefer to keep successful arrangements (ie ones that have been running for over 2 years with no issues) going unless it can been shown there are problems. His desire "to do more with the kids" doesnt count as a problem but then neither does your concern over parenting styles or the sleeping arrangements (although I completly agree with you!). There are no reasons in the circumstances you outline why the court would give him what he wants 100%, they LIKE to see compromise and will tell him to go to mediation which if he wont will simply mean the arrangements stay as they are. Win!
He really is more likely to get what he wants by giving you the move in midweek arrangements, but of course they do like to make threats! Dont be intimidated and quietly restate your request. Best of luck!

[NotYoMomma]

his proposal spunds reasonable to me

[Turniptwirl]

If he's not working what about Wednesday evening til Saturday morning? He gets several days in a row to do more with them and it covers your late nights do you're not missing out either. Or Thursday after school til Saturday 4pm if he insists on a weekend day.

He won't be able to take you to court over it if he has no money, but I would get in touch with a solicitor to cover yourself. Keep copies of all correspondence with him.

I agree kids should have a voice but my sis and I were 13 and 15 when our parents split up and contact decisions were left entirely up to us which I don't think us good either.

Whatever arrangement you have should be flexible as the kids get older so if they have plans with friends etc these can be accommodated.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Notyo,

It sounds reasonable that he wants to rearrange his time to suit him but is not prepared to do so for the op?

[benfoldsfive]

Thank you for the advice guys, I have done as you have suggested and emailed with my response. I am trying to stand up to him but the past is still ringing in my ears. Here goes nothing!

[Hissy]

Believe me, when you see that the sky won't fall in if you say No to him, it will help you grow stronger.

You did a good thing today! Well done !

[Hissy]

The past is the past, that's not you anymore, you have the whole of mumsnet behind you!

That's gotta count for something! :)

[RandomMess]

Wishing you the best. Our very good solicitor said "give them enough rope and they hang themselves" - so in your case you keep offering reasonable alternatives and he will just look more and more ridiculous by not compromising.