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to think even a 'paedophile' is innocent until proven guilty?

(50 Posts)
TravellingToad Wed 07-Aug-13 09:50:27

(NC, sensitive subject)

Having a discussion with my DH at the moment about my cousin. Cousin is male, 30 yr old. As a small boy we strongly believe that he was abused by his father sexually. As an adult he got together with a much older women with 2 young daughters. Family were making comments like "he likes to give them a bath" and there was some suspicion as to his motives for being with this women.

He later had his own daughter with this women. He didn't tell anyone until she was about 2 and then suddenly announced oh by the way he had a daughter. Him and women split up and he took his daughter and became a single father to her, full custody (women didn't mind) and they lived in a bedsit together, him and his 5 year old.

Neither of my parents/siblings or I are in touch with him. We don't like him for many reasons but there is also this family underlying suspicion that maybe he is a paedophile. Both my mother and I have contacted the police/social services to ask them to be aware/to look out for anything.

Now this cousin and his daughter are coming to our small village for a weeks holiday. Normally they live very far away. DH has never met cousin but knows the back story and family suspicions. He keeps going on...and on...and on and about cousin and DH's and I toddler son. I have reiterated so many times that I do not like cousin, am not in touch with cousin and have no plans to meet up with him or his daughter. But he won't let it go until I agree that this cousin wont be allowed in the house

It's reached the point where I have said to him that surely it is innocent until proven guilty, its just a very strong suspicion held by lots of the family, not a tried and proven 'done deal'

I think it's a bit harsh to openly go on and on with such a strong accusation when I have said until I'm blue in the face that I won't be taking our son to meet him.

DH has now said he wants to tell our nanny, in case cousin turns up on our doorstep and then the nanny will know we don't want him to meet DS. I said that is a step too far and is not necessary. What does he think will happen in broad daylight with our 14 month baby obviously fully supervised at all times?

DH is shouting that I'm a bad mother if my attitude is just "whats the worst that can happen"

So AIBU to tell him to stop going on about it when this guy has not been convicted of paedophilia and I"m not going to be bloody meeting up with him anyway?

breatheslowly Wed 07-Aug-13 15:07:11

So this guy is living his life as a single parent with a 5 yo. He probably doesn't have a great family support network (assuming there is something to the rumours about his dad). He lives in a bedsit with his DD. He has scraped together the cash to come on holiday to your village - where he has some family ties. However his family in the village (and possibly more of the village than that) have heard these rumours about him being a paedophile. His and his DD's holiday are basically ruined before it's even started. How very sad. You, your DH and others that keep this gossip mill going should be ashamed of yourselves.

LazyMonkeyButler Wed 07-Aug-13 15:01:12

Sorry, I may be being simple but I don't get it.

Either you honestly believe your cousin to be a paedophile or you don't.

It seems very contradictory to be contacting SS about him living with his own daughter on one hand, and then being angry with your DH for not wanting the cousin to have contact with your DS confused.

If you believe his DD to be in danger from her paedophile father (which he may not even be) - why are you angry with your DH trying to keep your DS away from him?

What have your family done to safeguard the little girl? Has anyone done anything to find out whether she is safe or not? Other than ask SS to "keep an eye on her"?

Eyesunderarock Wed 07-Aug-13 14:47:12

OP, your entire adult family sounds deeply unpleasant and appear to have been so for decades.
Suspicious without evidence, slandering a man over an extended period without actual cause or proof of wrongdoing and spreading the poison to others who haven't even met him.
Truly vile.
Yet somehow you think your DH is the problem? He isn't.

TheFallenNinja Wed 07-Aug-13 14:39:10

I've read the OP a couple of times and on the face of it seems to be the bullshit that others here have described.

My worry would be is what are all these family rumours and accusations hiding. It all seems a bit smokescreeny to me.

Apart from the calls to SS it all seems to be diverting from something, not sure what but something.

Flobbadobs Wed 07-Aug-13 14:24:17

So a possible sexual abuse victim could well be aware that someone thinks he's a paedophile depending on where he lives? sad
I don't usually hope for troll threads but I really do hope this is one.

littlewhitebag Wed 07-Aug-13 14:11:53

He would only be made aware of the allegations if actually any allegations had been made. This would be done on a case by case basis. This also might vary dependent on area/country. I am in Scotland.

Birdsgottafly Wed 07-Aug-13 14:01:18

"littlewhitebag would the cousin have been made aware of the allegations made by the OP? Obviously not who made them but what they were"

Yes he would be made aware of the nature of the allegations.

For all the OP knows the cousin has had therapy for the abuse and treatment by his family.

Part of the reason as to why he settled with an older partner may have been because he needed in-depth help to accept sexual contact again.

A man's recovery from sexual abuse is different and learning to form a trusting sexual relationship, because of the need for a physical response, iyswim.

Birdsgottafly Wed 07-Aug-13 13:55:29

This is old style victim blaming at it's best.

A little boy abused by a family member, which by the looks of it went unreported.

That child grows up damaged by the abuse and the lack of help and support from the people who are supposed to care about him, so is branded "odd" and unlikable.

Cuts off from said family, which he would need to do, for his own MH well being, forms his own family, doesn't bother anyone, is investigated by services, yet it still isn't enough.

Time to get out the tar, feathers and pitchforks.

Flobbadobs Wed 07-Aug-13 13:40:18

littlewhitebag would the cousin have been made aware of the allegations made by the OP? Obviously not who made them but what they were?

JuliaScurr Wed 07-Aug-13 13:38:31

'innocent til proven guilty' works for lots of criminal trials but sex offences are most often one person's word against the other. Fine in civil cases, but in criminal one person is 'innocent' for the duration of the trial but the other is a mere witness - all defence lawyers must show inesses to be unreliable, so fundamentally untrustworthy

this is obv a massive inequality in the process

WilsonFrickett Wed 07-Aug-13 13:36:04

I have to agree littlewhitebag. I also think the thought of turning up unannounced to the OP's house won't cross this man's mind - he must know the rest of the family have a very odd attitude towards him, I can't imagine he'll want to pop round for tea and buns. sad actually about this thread - it actually feels like victim blaming at its worst.

phantomnamechanger Wed 07-Aug-13 13:32:50

is the person you suspect of having abused this cousin as a child still alive? In contact with the cousin and his DD? If you had any concrete suspicions back then I hope these were investigated by the authorities, and I hope the abuser is not in touch with the little girl now.

so, what did you all do about your suspicions at the time?

littlewhitebag Wed 07-Aug-13 13:31:47

Wow. This really takes the biscuit.

Here is the evidence you have presented for your cousin being a paodophile:

1. He was abused as a child

2. He was in a relationship with a woman who already had two daughters. He bathed these children.

3. He is a single parent to his own daughter and lived in a bedsit with her.

Your post title suggests there have been some allegations being investigated by the police but in fact all you have presented are a few totally unfounded rumors which are being perpetrated by your family. Poor man. I assume he has no idea what his family are thinking about him?

I work as a SW in child protection. There is no allegation being made so nothing to to investigate. If you call them they will do nothing as there is nothing to report.

You are very horrible people. I rarely say this but honestly. Just look at what you are saying and how dangerous it could be.

Birdsgottafly Wed 07-Aug-13 13:29:04

"Cousin is male, 30 yr old. As a small boy we strongly believe that he was abused by his father sexually"

Where the hell were the family with their finger pointing and contacting the authorities then? I take it that the know child abuser is now dead?

There may have been a lot of prejudice around the age difference in the relationship that he formed and in years gone by, it was thought strange that a man wanted to "take on" a woman with children and "hands on dads" were viewed as "not normal".

However, tbh, it is probably for the best that this man has distanced himself from his "family".

My DH bought up his five children, three female, thank God he wasn't surrounded by people who thought this was strange and yes, at times they shared a bed and bath (him with shorts on, as he did with our own DD's.

Your DH can inform the nanny that no-one should be left alone with your DS, including family, unless you have authorised it in advance, that is all that needs to be said.

LayMeDown Wed 07-Aug-13 13:27:58

If what you say is true and this man was abused as a child then this more than likely explains any inappropriate incident that happened between you as children. Sexually abused children often display inappropriate sexualised behaviour, as their normal boundaries have been destroyed and they have no awareness of how they should behave/ how love and affection is shown.
This does not mean they will grow up to be paedophiles, and you and your family have taken an extraordinary leap to assume it. It seems that this man has been labelled odd by your family since you realised he was abused, and everything he does is coloured with this expectation that he is not 'normal'.

phantomnamechanger Wed 07-Aug-13 13:23:11


you have no evidence whatsoever that this cousin did anything wrong with the children of the woman he was with, or his own DD - have you even met her yet?
What makes you think he will try to get in touch when there is no relationship there - its not like you are always in touch but separated by distance, and this is his chance to come and catch up properly?

Of course you would supervise your child round other adults anyway, especially adults you know so little about - as would the nanny - but as for him turning up on the doorstep saying "Hi I am Toads cousin, we haven't been in touch for years, but let me in, I really want to meet her DC - mind If I take them to the park" - of course the nanny is going to say yes right away hmm

pigletmania Wed 07-Aug-13 13:11:09

Yabvvu there is nothing substantial about your families claims, nothing proven, just heresay. That is very Dangerous. Your title contradicts what you have said, you have called ss on this man with no proof

Branleuse Wed 07-Aug-13 13:09:29

i think theres a hell of a lot of kids who play around with other kids when theyre very young, but its PLAYING. mummies and daddies etc. I really dont think that is any indication of future sexual preferences. I know I did some pretty explicit exploring with some of my friends and AFAIK none of us are padeophiles now

sashh Wed 07-Aug-13 12:10:56

Holly we were reporting an incident that happened between him and me as children (both under 10 with me being 4 years younger). I don't believe though that is a CERTAINTY that activity like this a child means that he will be a paedophile as an adult. But it has certainly contributed a lot to the family suspicion.

Are you a paedophile? An 'incident between two children, with you not stating what it was and that it was reported on looks to me like nothing happened. I don't mean nothing literally I mean it might have been a childish stunt, a 'you show me yours and I'll show you mine' kind of thing.

If it was more serious than that, and you do have a genuine reason, then I appologise, I am just going on the information you have given.

Vivacia Wed 07-Aug-13 11:56:32

Why don't you actually like him?

wonderingsoul Wed 07-Aug-13 11:44:13

i think youv felt safe talking and acusing h im of paedophile, safe in the knowldage that he is far away and theres no chance of him finding out.

now he''s in your near by your afraid of him finding out, geting mad and doing you for slander, or for him to be really fucking angry and upset. so your back peddling.

Flobbadobs Wed 07-Aug-13 11:33:50

DH sounds scared. Anyone would be if they'd been fed poison about someone for years.

Jomato Wed 07-Aug-13 11:33:25

Can you recognise the hypocrisy in your thread title and OP? You have been treating this man as if he's guilty for years and now your upset that your DH is doing the same. Is his reaction over the top? Probably. However I think you and your family need to take responsibility for that. By jumping to conclusions about every aspect of this man's life you have turned him in to a monster to your DH and he's now acting on that to try to protect your child.

BoneyBackJefferson Wed 07-Aug-13 11:31:46

"he sounds like a horrible, manipulative bully."

Because he's angry that someone that he has been convinced is a paedophile is going to come in to contact with his children?

I would say that the OP is more manipulative than her DH.

OneStepCloser Wed 07-Aug-13 11:22:31

People like you are dangerous, youve spread rumours about a man who you believe was abused as a child and an incident that happened when he was under 10 shock after winding your DH up I cant see this blokes visit ending well, lets hope youve definately got your facts right.

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