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Aibu to be livid with Dh? (Toxic ils)

(35 Posts)
pumpkinsweetie Sat 22-Jun-13 18:09:57

Found a bargain today, and although i am nervous about being pregnant (mc feb) i have bitten the bullet and bought a very nice pram of a lady on fb, it was such a bargain i had to have it. As we don't own a car i sent dh off to collect it & gave him money for a taxi expecting him to come home in a taxi obviously.

Anyway not many people know of my pregnancy as of yet except a select few, i'm only 12wks.
Instead of getting a taxi, my dh got fil to pick him up with it, not only does fil not know i'm pregnant but i don't want the ils to know for quite sometime and we are relatively non contact due to their narcisstic behaviours aswell many other reasons.

When dh got back i said i saw fil, apparently he still knows nothing (cant see how that's true when it was a complete set with carrycot). Now ils i suspect will be talking and their tongues will be wagging at the prospect of the long awaited grandson that so far they don't have being that each & every pregnancy so far on mine & sils side has only so far bought them grandgirls-each pregnancy has bought with it harrassment until the day of the sexing scan. This time i don't want them to know until they actual notice and me being overweight was hoping never lol.

So many incidences have happened with ils, too much to put in this thread but we have a long list, including hate towards my eldest dd from a previous relationship, telling her that she has eyes like her real father & that she looks like a chinese boy, fil insisting my dc went to naps with him in his bed when we used to visit, a mothersday showdown where fil assuming mil hadn't been bought a gift shouted, swore & spat that he didn't give a f* if he ever saw his gc again, mil insults dh on numerous occasions, mil puts & buys her other gc 1st, pils took us to a wedding and took dh out for hours leaving me & dc alone in hotel room in middle of no-where, i found out last year fil beat dh as a child.

Alot more has happened than above but i thought dh was more in control of them now as we are mostly non contact and he doesn't put too much pressure on me to see ils anymore but im upset instead of getting the taxi today he has got in fils car knowing how much i wanted this pregnancy to be secret from pils for aslong as possible. Dh has even been a twit and left one of the bits in fils car by mistake so i have to deal with fil at my door tomorrow. I don't want that man anywhere near my home and i'm so angry.
Aibu to be angry dh didn't get a taxi as asked?

Nanny0gg Sat 22-Jun-13 18:21:29

I'd be furious.
What's his reasoning?

WorraLiberty Sat 22-Jun-13 18:23:08

YABU really, yes.

If he wants to tell his parents that he's expecting a child, he should be allowed to.

Especially as a 'select few' already know.

Imagine if you were going to be a grandparent and your son or daughter kept it from you, even though others knew?

pumpkinsweetie Sat 22-Jun-13 18:24:12

There wasn't any & tbf i cannot see why he couldn't have got a cab confused
Haven't said too much yet, but i'm livid.
The only reason i haven't ranted is because i made him stick it all in loft !

tungthai Sat 22-Jun-13 18:25:50

I think he wanted them to know and this was his way of ensuring they do.

pumpkinsweetie Sat 22-Jun-13 18:26:31

Yes worra in an ideal world yes, i wouldn't have an objection but these are not run of the mill doting gps, infact they are far from it and the problems that will come with them knowing are not good.

ChippingInWiredOnCoffee Sat 22-Jun-13 18:27:42

YANBU and yes, I would be beyond livid.

Worra - I often wonder if you are reading a different thread to me. If you act like they have and beat your children, you have no rights.

WorraLiberty Sat 22-Jun-13 18:28:02

Yes but they're going to find out sooner or later and if they find out they were the last to know, that's likely to cause much worse problems.

Your DH wanted his parents to know, so obviously you and he have your wires crossed about this.

HeySoulSister Sat 22-Jun-13 18:28:41

but you rarely have contact anyway,so cant see how you are going to have 'problems'

WorraLiberty Sat 22-Jun-13 18:28:58

Chipping you're missing the important point here

And that is that the OP's DH has the right to tell his parents if he wants to.

pumpkinsweetie Sat 22-Jun-13 18:29:31

Infact they put my sil through so much she gave birth prematurely & pils were more pissef off with the fact their grandchild wasn't a boy than worried for my nieces health.
Mils words were "oh great another girl, couldnt it have been a boy" & "its ugly like it's father"

MortifiedAdams Sat 22-Jun-13 18:30:13

YABU at wanting to keep this from the ILs as DH is expecting a baby too, and they are his parents. Remove all.of the narcassistic shit from the equation where this is concerned - they are his parents and he chooses to have them be part of his life, therefpre it is unreasonable that you get to be the one who decides when his parents find out. I have to ask - would you be happy if he insisted that you didnt tell your folks?

In relation to all of the nasty things they say and do, again, YABU. If anyone dared call my child names like they have done to yours or been odd enough to nap with my children when I dont eve share a bed or found out that they have form for beating shildren then I would never ever let my children near them again or indeed still have them be a part of my life. So therefore YABU for still having a relationship with them,

HeySoulSister Sat 22-Jun-13 18:31:33

oh come on!!! how can you blame a prem birth on the in laws??

pumpkinsweetie Sat 22-Jun-13 18:33:09

Good question soul, problems even with next to no contact, mil is coming around next sat for her very rare visit & they will phone and harrass dh for details & information and going on my previous dcs births expect from the get go they are to be at our home for when baby arrives along with atleast 1 or 2 of my nieces for when we arrive in from hospital.

LilacPeony Sat 22-Jun-13 18:33:54

Are you not telling them because you had a post 12 week mc last time and are worried or because you don't think they deserve to know as much as the people you have told?

MissStrawberry Sat 22-Jun-13 18:34:30

I think you are fighting the wrong argument here.

WTF are you doing allowing your daughter to sleep in the bed with your FIL?

WorraLiberty Sat 22-Jun-13 18:35:48

A mother phones her son and asks for information on the baby and that's harassment?

Look, they sound like awful people to be honest so I can understand why you don't like them.

But your DH obviously likes them enough to want to keep them in his life. Therefore it's only natural that he wants to tell them about the baby.

Surely you can understand that?

pumpkinsweetie Sat 22-Jun-13 18:36:05

That is one of the reasons lilac, because if i was to mc again they would be nasty about it.
Wish they were nice people, but they are not.
Fil is not allowed any contact with my dc anymore but i allow mil for the sake of dh to see the children rarely.

Nanny0gg Sat 22-Jun-13 18:37:05

I must admit I don't understand why you have any contact with them at all.

pumpkinsweetie Sat 22-Jun-13 18:37:56

I didn't ever allow fil to sleep with my dc, but he would insist they did by asking each time we went to their home. But i said no every time.
The dc are not allowed in ils home for the above reason

Have you posted about them previously? I think the mothers day story rings a bell and if so I can understand why you wouldn't want them anywhere near and would at least want to minimize the amount of time they knew and would be on your back for!

hippohugger Sat 22-Jun-13 19:15:54

Sounds like you need to sit down and have a talk with DH to manage the in-laws during this pregnancy. Like not telling them when/where you are giving birth, not giving out gender information, not allowing visits unless you both agree... YANBU but don't be angry at DH. They are his parents and its not easy to live with the realisation that they're horrible people.

TheRealFellatio Sat 22-Jun-13 19:23:56

I think the problem here is that you seem to have decided that you are 'mainly non-contact' with your ILs, but I am not sure your DH feels quite the same way. I think you are angry because you want him to cut all ties with his parents and he won't. But you can't make him.

sweetestcup Sat 22-Jun-13 19:43:27

I agree with fellatio and worra, otherwise why would your DH go his fathers? confused

pumpkinsweetie Sat 22-Jun-13 20:00:01

I wouldn't say dh 'likes' them, i definetly think he loves them even after all they have put him through. But then most tolerate their parents & love their parents regardless of wrong doing & although i am understanding and allow certain visits etc-when it comes to my dc, even unborn through the years i have realised my dc don't have to tolerate or be around their behaviour unless for a very rare visit with mil.
I cannot be dealing with the stress they bring and the madness they create, i suppose unless i put all my previous threads on here it would be hard for most to understand.

And although im livid i haven't let dh know as such as after all atleast he collected my pram and i have realised i shouldn't let them get to me in future as dh has enough on his plate in regards to them than i ever will.

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