To not go to this wedding?

[eleflump]

An old friend of DH's is getting married again next year. They are quite old friends from their teenage years, but don't see each other regularly nowadays. The friend now lives some distance away, and we haven't met the woman that he is marrying.

We have received a 'Save the Date' card for their wedding, and it turns out that the wedding is child-free. We have two ds's, and the wedding is on a Sunday in a location about three hours drive away from us. This would have been a bit of a hassle in terms of taking time off work and farming the kids out to my mum, who would have to have had them overnight and got them both to different schools on the Monday morning, but was something we could have managed.

However, DS2 (aged 9) has now brought home a letter about his school trip away, which turns out to be on the Monday after the wedding. He will be going on the Monday morning and not getting back until Friday evening, and he has never slept away from home for more than one night. He will need to be at school on the Monday at six in the morning. Apart from the fact that getting ds2 up and at school for this time seems to be too much to ask my seventy-year old mum, I just really want to be there to make sure he is sorted and see him off.

So, WIBU to not go to the wedding? I have told DH that I have no objections to him going by himself, and he has agreed, but I can tell he is a bit miffed that we won't be going together.

[SilvercloudRainbow]

That sounds like a perfectly reasonable solution to me. He'll probably have a great time catching up with old mates. Maybe you could make a concerted effort to meet them as a couple either before or after the wedding when you can either take your children or have them looked after, just not at the actual wedding.

[LemonsLimes]

Could you go, but leave at about 6pm so you can be up to see your son off? You'd need to pack his stuff before the wedding of course.

[raisah]

No I wouldnt go to a child free wedding of an acquaintance 3 hours away. Your son is going on his first milestone trip away from home that you may regret seeing him off. I remember my mum bawling her eyes out (some things havent changed!) on my first trip away when I was 10. These events are memory buildets for the both of you so dont miss out on it for someone who isnt close to you.

[LittleMissLucy]

I agree your child should be the priority, for both parents. And I agree that leaving early and coming home for the night is probably the way forward if your DH absolutely must attend. Otherwise, I'd give it a miss.

[Madamecastafiore]

I'd think at 9 he will cope with being away an extra night. Can you ask a mother of a friend to collect him from your mothers and drop off at school?

[MortifiedAdams]

If it was an important wedding, I would go, either the night before or on the morning of. Attend the service and the reception, and leave before the evning starts.

If its someone who neither of you mind missing the wedding of, then you have totally justifiable reasons of your own.

If it is a close friend of your dhs, he may want to go regardless, which would be fine imo too.

[cheeseandchive]

Am not a parent myself but know at that age I would have hated it if my mum weren't there to see me off. I would want the security (and fun!) or packing bags, choosing clothes with mum etc.

YADNBU, maybe DH is just a bit gutted that you can't go together rather than being annoyed at the decision you've made.

[CloudsAndTrees]

Yanbu. You will need to be around the day before he goes to go through the checklist of stuff he has to take, to stand over him while he packs the bag himself so he knows where everything is and what he's got, and you need to be there to wave him off.

It's a special event in your life and your ds's, there is no way you should miss that to be a tiny part of someone else's special event.

[WafflyVersatile]

For you both to attend the wedding logistically your choices are (at least one of you) leave early enough to get home on the Sunday night, or ask your mum to do more than is really fair to ask of her. The first may or may not be practical.

Your husband will probably have a fine time even if he would prefer you to be there. Seems like a sensible enough solution to me.

[manicinsomniac]

I would pobably go to the ceremony and dinner then come home and leave your husband to catch up with his friends for the evening party (where he's less likely to miss you). He could get public transport home the next day and you can be there for your son at bedtime and in the morning.

[expatinscotland]

YANBU! Too much hassle, too far and he can go alone or not at all.

[TheseFoolishThings]

He's a bit miffed? Where does he get off being miffed and what does he suggest you do instead? Honestly really hand over the arrangements to your mum? Without the complication of the week away - maybe, just maybe, but considering that? No way AYBU to send him off on his own? I'd want a sensible answer from him about the validity of his miffed-ness.

[Vivacia]

I think you've made the best compromise possible.

[Whocansay]

I would point out that a 'save the date' card is not an invitation. If you've not seen the couple for a long while (and never met the bride!), you may be on a 'b' list in case some 'a' list people can't come, (so you may never actually get a proper invitation if all the 'a' list people accept) or you could be evening do only. I certainly wouldn't be booking any rooms yet, even if your son wasn't going on the trip.

So, YANBU.

[maddening]

can dh go as it is his old friend?

[maddening]

sorry - if he can go why is he miffed?

[jellybeans]

I wouldn't go. YANBU. Your idea is great, send DH alone. I did the same in the same situation.

[eleflump]

Thanks for all the replies.

The 'save the date' card came with a list of suggested accommodation, so I think it's safe to say that we will be invited. Am not sure what time the wedding will be, so it would be a possibility that we could both go and then me come home early. To be honest though, I would rather spend the day getting ds2 sorted out and helping him pack his bag, so I think its more likely that Dh will go on his own.

Am being a bit unfair to say he was 'miffed' I think, as I think 'disappointed' would have been a better word. He was amazed to realise the kids weren't invited, and so what he thought was going to be a nice family weekend away, then a weekend for him and me will now end up with him going on his own!

[Vivacia]

It had never occurred to me that a "save the date" note might not be followed up by an actual invitation! Who would send the note and then turn around and say, "There's no need to save the date any more, you've not made the invitation list"?!

[BackforGood]

I think you've made a good decision. When you have dc, sometimes things come along that clash, and it's just not always possible to do everything you'd like to. Agree with suggestion ^^ about maybe inviting them up to spend the weekend with you, or meeting 1/2 way for a pub meal or something in the coming months, and saying that it's a shame you can't be there, but obviously you need to be at home with the trip and everything combined.

[BreasticlesNTesticles]

Well this is very disappointing.

You, your dh and your dm all seem to be being very reasonable.

[harryhausen]

at Breasticles.

Yes, annoying reasonable.