More of a WWYD - Pining DS and non-phoning mate ...

[Fecklessdizzy]

Not a huge problem by anyone's standards, but it's happening most nights now and it's doing my head in!

We live in a little village. DS2 has lots of mates but they're scattered around the countryside, only one is local - let's call him Fred. Fred is a nice kid and he and DS have known each other for years, but it appears that DS is rather more keen on Fred than vice-versa.

It happens thus ... DS askes Fred on the bus home if he wants to meet up after school - Fred says he'll go home and ask his Mum if it's OK and then ring DS - then he doesn't. DS sits by the phone all evening. If he rings Fred, Fred says he'll ask and ring back - then doesn't.

If he doesn't want to hang out all he has to do is say he's busy, it's the keeping DS on tenterhooks that's annoying me!

They're both 12 and Fred comes round one night after school on a regular basis as his Mum works late so they do spend time together. I have every sympathy if Fred just wants to chill in the evening and not socialise but I wish he'd stop giving out the mixed messages to poor old DS!

Any thoughts?

[aldiwhore]

You can only change things you have control over.

So, your DS needs to have a word with his mate, knowing that more than likely, nothing will change, but at least he's done it.

Then he has to force a change of attitude in himself. So if Fred says he'll ring, your DS must assume it's not going to happen. Then he can be surprised when it does!

My friend is a non-ringerbacker. No point falling out over it. If she says she'll ring later I assume she won't so get on with something else. That acceptence has improved my pining considerably!!

I think you need to have a chat about some people being great friends but rubbish at the same time.

[Bunraku]

I never bothered ringing back if my mum said I couldn't play out. I was far too busy wailing at her that it wasn't fair and whyyyyyyyyyy or asking my dad

[DeWe]

If you know his mum, which I assume you do if you're doing child care for her, could you drop it into the conversation?
It may be that "Fred" is embarrassed because his dm always says no-or doesn't ask because he's happy to come round for one day, but likes time on his own, or does an activity he's embarrassed about admitting he does.
If he's asking every night, and Fred is not replying every night, then Fred may be feeling hassled about it.

I would heavily discourage your ds from sitting by the phone and waiting though. Give him something to do, and get him busy!

[Bramshott]

I think you may need to be blunt with your DS and say something like "look, it's not likely Fred will ring is it, so why don't you get on with something else". Maybe Fred isn't allowed to play out when his mum is in, maybe Fred would rather play on the XBox, maybe he just doesn't want to.

[Fecklessdizzy]

Cheers everyone ...

I don't want to raise it with Mum of Fred as it sounds a bit whiney and pathetic!

I will have a chat with DS2 about giving people space and not harassing them to get what you want.

It's ironic because I was on the other end of this with DS1 who had a very sweet but needy friend at his last school who was never off the phone at weekends. My heart used to sink when I saw his number as DS1 would be making I'm-not-here faces and trying to hide behind the sofa! Bloody Karma.