AIBU to cry in front of my three year old?(17 Posts)
My first time on AIBU so please be gentle!
Am feeling very sad about my relationship with 3yo DS.
DH left this morning for a business trip overseas - he travels quite a lot for work. DS was fine for most of the day but upset at bedtime because daddy wasn't there. I told him I was feeling sad too but that Daddy would be home soon, and that we'll all be away on holiday together next weekend and he could sit next to Daddy on the aeroplane etc...which seemed to cheer him up, but he refused the cuddle I always give him at bedtime and just started demanding I fetch him various things...
Ashamed to say I burst into tears - just felt so hurt and shut out.
Background: DS has always preferred DH to me (even DH admits this) - I can live with being the less favoured parent (I am a SAHM so spend much more time with him) but just feel I'm getting the crumbs in the relationship. DS is not particularly cuddly or affectionate by nature and would never say 'I love you' even though I tell him loads how much I love him.
Now on top of my sadness at seeing him upset and hurt at being rejected myself, I feel guilty that I have traumatised him by bursting into tears.
This actually sounds a bit pathetic now I've typed it out but just hoping someone can offer advice/wisdom as couldn't discuss with anyone other than DH in real life. Thank you x
He does love you, you know that.
It won't do him any harm to know that his mum has feelings too.
No advice, but lots of sympathy. DH has just got back from a two week trip and I also burst into tears in front of ds while he was away (different situation but similar guilt!) It doesn't seem to have done ds any harm
I suspect your ds was just testing boundaries (daddy's gone, things are odd, what can I get mummy to do?) so please try not to worry. Be gentle on yourself & look forward to that weekend away.
oh poor you. Really don't worry. DS1 always said he loved Daddy more than me and would never hold my hand etc. He is now 7 and totally a mummys boy. DS2 (aged 3) is just the same and today in the garden we were all joking about DS2 not loving mummy but loving DH and DS1. Everytime one of us asked do you love mummy he shook his head.
It is a stage they go though and one which really hurt me with DS1, but now I know it is a stage I don't take it seriously anymore.
In fact I love the solid relationship my DS's have with their dad. DS2 often cries 'I want my Daddy back' when he is hurt or upset, and while I would love to have clingy DC I know I don't have. Plus they do come back! And bursting into tears is a good way to show you are human and can be hurt too. I have occasionally done it with my DC and if anything it showed them that I am human too!
You're only human. He will have forgotten by the morning. Please don't beat yourself up about it.
And don't allow yourself to believe that ds doesn't love you. As you say yourself, you spend a lot more time with him, his Dad has novelty value (I don't mean that badly) and your ds will seem more excited to spend time with him because he doesn't see him as much.
He is only young and your relationship will evolve over time, when he starts school things may change because he will see less of you too.
I know it's disheartening and I really feel for you
Tomorrow is a new day, go out and have some fun with him and enjoy your time together!
Agree he absolutely loves you but to him you come across as far too needy (and probably a bit boring).
So liven things up - stop demanding cuddles/kisses/i love you words. Stop being needy.
Instead have lots and lots of crazy fun. Be totally daft. Be a monster when brushing his teeth, fly him in a jumbo jet to the loo or pretend to be his dog. The cuddles will come along without pressure that way.
But don't worry about the little bit of crying. I think it's quite healthy for a child to see someone briefly upset, then resolve issues and come through the other side. He will learn from that.
Thanks for all your kindness and support - really appreciate it. Formica - I think you have a point about me being a bit needy/boring - my personality probably is a bit more staid than DH's and I do get bogged down with routine/housework stuff. Will try to remind myself to lighten up!
I agree that it won't do him any harm to know that his mum has feelings too and it will do him no harm to see you cry once. Please don't beat yourself up about it. Your ds does love you, he's just taking out his feelings on you as he feels safe in the knowledge that you don't leave him
OP, you made me think of this blog post.
Do you ever go off and do your own thing for a bit while your dh looks after your son OP? Might do you good to have a break and it might do your son good to see that mum does her own thing sometimes. Might make him appreciate you all the more when you come back.
Definitely not, I don't think it's ever wrong to cry just like its never wrong to smile. It's an expression of emotion and its perfectly healthy and normal (hugs)
Of course he loves you! I often feel guilt over crying. we lost newborn DS in Nov and I cry a lot, randomly. I try and hide it but sometimes I just cant. DD 22 months now comes to me and says 'mummy Sad' and gives me a cuddle- Then I try and snap out of it and do something fun! it breaks my heart every time, but we can't shield her from sadness forever, whether it's a parent being away or anything else. He loves you and he won't be traumatised he'll be fine- as will my DD.
If it helps, when my siblings and I were young Dad wasn't involved in much of the boring every day stuff, so we often regarded him as the fun parent. It never lasted long though, we'd soon realise he was just as strict when it came to bedtime and extra biscuits, and even when we'd ask for him instead of Mum it was never about who we loved more.
If your DH is often away from home there's probably an element of this with your DS, he can take you for granted because he's never had to do without you. I guarantee he'd miss you just as much if you worked away.
Thank you everyone for your wisdom and support. Feeling better today. Arabella - what a beautiful post [starts wailing again...]
Hey he loves you, you are there for him every single day, but dad is not so it seems like he loves him more, he doesn't.
As a mum of a teenage boy (a month off 15) I tell him every day I love him and always have, sometimes I get a love you too, sometimes not, sometimes I get a hug, sometimes not. Its a boy thing.
The crying wont have damaged him, it shows you are human and have feelings, I have cried in front of my kids so many times, when I have been upset, angry or frustrated. Again its life and teaches children crying is ok (and in my opinion a good thing, saves bottling it all up
and murdering someone instead
My dh came back from a trip overseas yesterday (been away all week)
I have had both I boys on my own all week and have done my best to keep them amused and happy.
And since dh got back ds2 has been attached to him like a limpet
Wanted dh to put him to bed and asked him to take him to pre school too!
Means I get to slob about in the sofa til pick up time
It won't harm him to see you cry.
It will help him understand that you are a person in your own right, not just "mummy"
Chin up x
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