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AIBU?

To want my DH to remarry?

25 replies

BruthasTortoise · 14/04/2013 21:17

I have to go for a biopsy, it's probably nothing but might be something iyswim. So I was talking to my DH about what I would want to happen if the worst happen. Morbid I know but it's in my mind. I told him that should anything happen to me I would want his to find someone else (after a suitable mourning period!) and marry her. I wouldn't want him to have raise our kids alone and then up lonely when they fly the nest. He said that he would never remarry, it would be disrespectful to my memory and he wouldn't want another woman raising our DC. AIBU?

OP posts:

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Rosesforrosie · 14/04/2013 21:19

I'm not sure this is an 'Aibu' type situation.

And I'm sure your DH is saying what he believes to be the most reassuring thing to you right now.

plantsitter · 14/04/2013 21:20

Of course not, but it's enough to say that you want him to for now. He doesn't have to agree. I hope you are fine! But if you are not, and your DH finds someone he wants to marry, he will think back to your conversation and know he has your blessing.

Can see why he doesn't want to talk about it TBH!

Lovelygoldboots · 14/04/2013 21:21

I think he's damned whatever he says tbh. Try not to worry about your biopsy. Hope all goes well

doobiedoobiedoobie · 14/04/2013 21:21

I don't think you can possibly decide these things in advance can you?! Otherwise there would be no unhappily single people out there if thy coud just find someone and marry them?!

In theory YANBU but you are a bit to suggest he wouldn't want to raise his children alone. Not a great reason to re marry!

I hope your biopsy goes well, I can imagine in does make you think about all sorts of things you wouldn't do normally.

Earlybird · 14/04/2013 21:22

I am sure you are anxious about the biopsy. Completely understandable.

But jumping to 'I want my dh to remarry' is a HUUUGE leap, and a massive over-reaction.

Do whatever you can to calm down, and take things a step at a time.

BruthasTortoise · 14/04/2013 21:23

Don't get me wrong I'm scared too but I'm a practical in times of crisis type of person and although it's not a nice conversation to have I think it's necessary. I would want to know that he and our DC would be ok.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 14/04/2013 21:23

I agree. I've always thought the greatest gift I've given dh is to make him realise he can love and be loved in return.

Hope your biopsy is fine

doobiedoobiedoobie · 14/04/2013 21:23

I just asked my DH the same question and he sad 'No, notbforvthe first couple of months at least'.

Charming.

doobiedoobiedoobie · 14/04/2013 21:24

Not for the first...

Blooming iPad

cozietoesie · 14/04/2013 21:25

BruthasTortoise · 14/04/2013 21:26

It's not to do with him raising the kids alone as such, he would do a great job I'm sure. I just wouldn't want him to spend his life raising them alone and then be lonely when they leave because he didn't look for a new partner. I realise I may be over thinking this a teeny bit...

OP posts:

Helltotheno · 14/04/2013 21:28

Well I wouldn't want my DH to remarry cos I don't want my kids' entitlements going to another person/person's kids etc, but that's just me, selfish cah that I am. Wouldn't stop him being in a relationship with someone else though...

But back to the important thing, I hope it goes well OP.. am sure it'll be nothing... sending good karma your way anyway :)

verytellytubby · 14/04/2013 21:28

I definitely want my DH to remarry.

The kids would never get bathed and nit combed otherwise

Good luck with your biopsy.

Lovelygoldboots · 14/04/2013 21:29

I bet you would struggle to imagine being with anyone else . I had s biopsy some years ago and was absolutely crapping myself. I needed a general anaesthetic. Biopsy was fine, still got the massive scar. It's scarey stuff.

WafflyVersatile · 14/04/2013 21:30

I think it is reasonable for you to say that to him, and I think it is reasonable for him to feel and/or say that he wouldn't want to.

As said what matters is if you get knocked down by a bus on the way home from being given good news about the biopsy he'll know that if/when he does meet someone he has your blessing.

badguider · 14/04/2013 21:33

I think the form in this situation is that one person says 'I want you to find somebody else after I die'... the other person says 'No, never' then if the worst did happen they'd continue to say 'no never' for a while, then over time as they work through the grief they would maybe, if the right person came along, come round to thinking 'it's what she would have wanted' :)

It's the process. YANBU to tell him to remarry, he is NBU to say (now) that he won't want to.. but the fact you've given permission means that if he does decide he wants to then he won't have to feel that it's not what you would have wanted.

But, all this is just theoretical cause you'll be fine :)

MrsSchadenfreude · 14/04/2013 21:34

I am ambiguous about whether he remarries but if I get to be terminally ill, I would want him to have a vasectomy first as I don't want him to have any more children. Otherwise, I can see him marrying woman in late 30s, early 40s, him being early 50s, they have a child, he dies, woman and new child inherit the lot, leaving my two with nothing. I've seen this happen before. And I don't see why someone else should benefit from the fruits of my labours, and not my kids.

ISeeNoReasonForBandage · 14/04/2013 21:37

Doobie - I'd be flattered if I were you. DH, when asked the same question replied "I'll give it a couple of weeks. Protocol y'know".
Charming.

BruthasTortoise · 14/04/2013 21:38

Aw all you guys are lovely. I dunno what the DM was talking about when they called us a nest of vipers . It really is most likely nothing but the word biopsy strikes fear in to me and seems to have sent me into control freakery overdrive. I've planned out my DCs educations, down to which university I would like them to attend... my youngest is 8 months ( Haven't shared these plans with anyone yet! Think the talk of new partners was enough for my poor DH!)

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 14/04/2013 21:42

I think you are being sensible and kind, but he is not going to agree right now. It is enough that you have said it and 'given permission' if the worst comes to the worst and he feels eventually able to move on.

I hope all will be well with the biopsy and if not recovery is good.

Lovelygoldboots · 14/04/2013 21:45

Whatever it is, its best to find out. And the time you spend not knowing is the time you spend hypothetically marrying off your DH .

McNewPants2013 · 14/04/2013 21:49

Can't you have wills in place that in case you passed away that the children will get x amount if DH/dw divorce or die themselves.

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LondonNinja · 14/04/2013 21:59

You can indeed have a will that protects your child's interest. It's a 'trust' will, I think. It is to safeguard against someone else inheriting their own parents' property etc.

OP, I hope everything goes really well for you. It must be incredibly stressful. And YANBU but I'm sure it'll all be irrelevant as you'll be fine.

raisah · 15/04/2013 03:34

From reading all the sad posts on here re complicated step family relationships & abandonment, it might not be a bad thing your dp not considering remarriagr. However, dont think about that concentrate on yourself and I hope all goes well for you.

raspberryroop · 15/04/2013 08:10

I hope things go well for you but as a widow I can say it's a bit almost anti wanting your husband to be happy if you die in a weird round about way I can't explain

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